by Carol Allen
If you’ve ever been in love with a guy that wasn’t “pulling the trigger” in your relationship and wanting to commit to you, then you know what real agony is…
Sadly, there are many men who are NOT interested in having a full relationship WITH ANY WOMAN – not even you.
Though he might SEEM like he is…
What he’s interested in are the PERKS of being in a full relationship – your time, attention, companionship, love, sex…
But he’s not willing to do what you want and deserve in exchange for those things. You know – call you his girlfriend, stop
spending time with other women, make plans for the future…
And it’s not your fault – and it doesn’t matter how well you get along. It’s like thinking a man who’s five feet tall will be a professional basketball player one day.
He hasn’t got “the goods…”
Find a man who’s got what it takes to be YOUR man. You can learn if he’s “relationship-oriented” by looking at the most important thing – his emotional nature.
I get letters from readers all day long that are confused about a man’s bad behavior and wrongly blaming themselves.
Here’s the latest one keeping me up at night…
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I began dating a wonderful man and things were great for a year-and-a-half before things started getting shaky – I did go in with caution based on his repeat behavior of dating women and nothing coming to fruition with them.
But he made space in his room for me to leave my things (He’s currently 36 and lives with his Mom; I’m 34 and live with my parents). At some point I started to snoop and found that he had fathered a child and that he is taking care of the child financially and does spend time with the child. When we met the question about children came up and he stated that he did not have any children.
When I found out I was furious. I told him that his deception was not acceptable – he feels that he didn’t lie; he just didn’t talk about the child. During this time, I brought up our relationship going to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend – he told me that he wasn’t ready for that. When I asked him how he describe our relationship he said that we were cool – mind you I was staying over several times a week at his house, connected with his family and friends. I told him that at this point a year-and-a-half later we were operating as such already but without the title of girl-friend.
After this we were arguing a lot about the child and his lying about it and I also noticed that he had started to spend more time with his female friends. A few times I saw him and this one particular female in compromising positions. I spoke to him about what I saw and trusted that he would deal with it. A second time occurred. One night, I was going to stay with him and he was out and I called him just to see what time he was coming home – he ignored my call. I stopped by the bar and
he was talking to this same female.
I spoke to him briefly and was furious so to avoid a scene – I left. I called him on his cell again and he did not answer. When he finally responded, he texts me saying he was finishing his drink. I met him at the house and things got out of control – a BIG fight took place.
He called me and told me that he did not want to have a romantic relationship with me but felt that we could be friends. I told him that I was not interested in that and obviously I was not the one for him. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he wanted to reconnect and get back what we had but did not want to put his eggs in one basket.
At first I resisted but then said let’s try. For the first 4-5 months I tried to spend time with him and we did, we talked on the phone, went out occasionally but nothing seemed to really move. One day at lunch, we were talking about what state we were in. He told me that he was hopeful that we would get back together. He also told me that he was getting acquainted
with someone. I told him that maybe he should see where that goes. He got furious and told me that I was throwing it up in his face. I couldn’t understand how we could get back what we had if he is seeing other people.
I don’t know what to do to turn this thing around. I have been falling back with contacting him as often and setting things up. I think I’m afraid that he may find someone else that he wants to see where things can go. One conversation we had was what he did for his birthday – he told me he went to dinner and a cigar bar. I said that is the same thing I planned for your birthday last year. I asked if it was a date or a group of friends. He replied that he went with some woman. I also asked if he was dating someone on a regular he said no. He sends a funny email here an there but that’s the extent of our communication
How do I proceed during this uncertain time?
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Whew – this letter is bumming me out… I need to go get some shortbread cookies just to regain my composure. I’ll be right back.
Okay, that’s better.
So, Susan doesn’t know “what to do to turn this thing around…” or “proceed during this uncertain time.”
What do you think?
Well, since she’s asking me, here’s what I think…
Susan, what you should do is book yourself on a cruise to a distant, Tropical island with lots of cute “cabana boys,” and leave immediately, leaving no way for “Lover Boy” to reach you.
I’m SO not kidding…
Here’s the thing.
It’s all in your letter (it ALWAYS is)…
You say this guy has a history of “repeat behavior of dating women and nothing coming to fruition with them.” You spent a year-and-a-half seeing him several times a week, staying with him – he even made you “space in his room for you to leave your things.” (Because he lives with his mother – I won’t make fun of that, because he may be taking care of his mother, or help her in some way, or the culture he’s from may still do multi-generational living arrangements, which is actually very sweet… If he’s living off of his mother and she’s still washing his socks and making his meals at 36, then that’s an obvious maturity “red flag.” But I digress…)
After a year-and-a-half of sleepovers and time with his friends and family, he wasn’t ready to “call you his girlfriend.”
What was he waiting for?
Lighting to strike?
To get to know you better?
Everything was fine (at least, you think it was) until you started “snooping…”
Now, I could get on your case about snooping through a man’s things. But that’s not the point. The point is, if you ever feel like checking up on a man, there’s a very good reason… It’s because you don’t feel safe with him and don’t trust him. Just the fact that you felt compelled to snoop should’ve told you there was trouble in paradise. A woman that feels something is “off” or “doesn’t add up” with a man, is usually right.
So, lo and behold – you found something.
He has a child, and he didn’t just keep that a secret from you, he denied it to you.
So, let’s recap, shall we?
He wants a no-strings relationship after a year and-a-half (which, it just so happens, is exactly the length of time the average couple that ends up married decides to become engaged)… So, really, he could have been doing ANYTHING all that time…
He “lied by ommission” about a child he fathered before he knew you…
Oh yeah, and then you started finding him in “compromising positions” with other women and fighting all the time.
He started flip-flopping between wanting to be friends and wanting you back – but still didn’t want to “put all his eggs in one basket.”
How could any girl resist such a romantic proposal?
(She types while eating five more cookies…)
Honey, he doesn’t have eggs. You do. And they’re hard boiling from all the anger you’re feeling toward him. Okay, bad joke. But mine are poaching just from reading your letter. Okay, I did it again. Sorry…
Just as you started spending time together again, he told you he’s “getting to know someone else” and became enormously defensive that you mind. Man, he must be the hottest guy on the planet to get away with this kind of behavior…
I don’t care what sign he is, or how compatible you may be – this is what’s called “an astrologically AFFLICTED man.”
Afflicted men are selfish, often philandering, and make pretty much any woman become an insecure crazy banshee in the face of his antics…
Susan, you started your letter by saying he was a wonderful man.
While he may have wonderful qualities, he has NOT been wonderful to you.
But he has been (somewhat) honest, so let’s be glad for that. (‘Cause hey – he knows you’ll find out anyway, you super sleuth, you!)
Susan, Susan, Susan… you can’t do ANYTHING to “turn this around.” I don’t care what you think you may have done wrong with this man.
He’s NOT a relationship man.
He’s NOT interested in having a full relationship.
At least not with you – or any other woman he’s ever met. You’re working wayyyyyyyyyy too hard here.
Guys like this should come with “warning labels.”
I’m glad you had a good year and-a-half with him. But you only did by giving him what he wanted, and “waiting” to get what you wanted, which you never got…
And you never would have.
So, go online right now and check out those cruises.
And avoid men like this from now on.
Send me a postcard from the Tropics, Susan…
And may God and his planets and stars shower you all with love!
From Sarah: Carol has great help for you – and not just about Astrology – she’s a fabulous coach, with fabulous relationship advice for women on all topics – like this one on why a man won’t commit to you, and how to make that happen. She has a huge following and so many success stories – her letters and reports on getting him to commit to you are amazing.