I saw this article about dating by Evan Marc Katz on Rori Raye’s blog and asked permission to reprint it – a GREAT article:
From Rori Raye:
I know for some of us, Evan Marc Katz’s words and advice are hard to hear – but, for me, hearing straight, un-softened “man-think” is CRUCIAL to helping me open up my perspective.
Just the discovery that I don’t LIKE and don’t want to hear something that contradicts and perhaps even upends my ideas about how romance and love should “go” and “look” feels like a HUGE learning opportunity to me.
Getting rid of old expectations is an incredibly great part of releasing what’s holding us back from moving to the next level in love. Surrender to yourself and open vulnerability and creating safety is where it’s at – and if I feel triggered when I read something – that’s how I know some truth I’ve been trying to hide is bubbling up:
by Evan Marc Katz
You’ve been hurt by men before. You’ve been hurt bad. You’ve vowed to learn from the experience and protect yourself from that ever happening again.
And to protect yourself from being hurt by a man, you:
Choose not to date at all.
Try to make him earn your trust.
Pull away from a guy at the first hint of trouble.
Tell him your relationship goals on the first few dates.
Want to clarify where things are headed in the first few months.
Those are all perfectly rational. The problem is: The only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.
Let me explain.
Look at your life. You probably work a minimum of 40 hours a week. You probably have friends and hobbies and family. You’re probably really, really, wary of men.
And because of your previous experience, you do everything in your power to prevent the “wrong men” from getting in. You’re vigilant about looking for the signs. And you find them everywhere you go. As a result, you remain single.
Think of it like a visual metaphor-
You live in a house.
Mr. Right is walking down the street, trying to find his Ms. Right.
There’s two houses right next to each other that look identical.
They’re gorgeous, modern, spacious, well-decorated, inviting. Except for one minor thing. The house on the left has a 10 foot brick wall around it.
The house on the right has an open door with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting.
Which house do you think Mr. Right is going to peek into?
It’s kind of a no-brainer.
Now you can make the argument that the RIGHT man would try to figure out how to scale the 10 foot wall.
You can make the argument that the REASON there’s a wall is that there’s some crime in the neighborhood and she’d been robbed twice before.
You can justify that protective wall in every way possible. But it doesn’t change the bottom line.
A good man doesn’t need to break down or scale your wall.
He’s just going to look for a warm, inviting, open door.
To take it even further:
- A good man will not be able to find you if you’re working 11 hours a day.
- A good man doesn’t need to earn your trust if he’s never done anything wrong.
- A good man may have a number of characteristics that you might not like.
- A good man takes relationships seriously and can’t promise that he will know after a a few months that you are destined for the altar.
So while I deeply empathize with you if you’re trying to avoid “wasting” time by trying to figure out the future before HE knows the future. Just know that you’re sabotaging any real chance you have to form a real trusting connection.
You have to go in with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head. At any point you have the right to determine that he’s not the one for you, and he has the right to determine that you’re not the one for him. It’s called dating.
Instead of trying to figure everything out up front to protect yourself from getting hurt, give yourself to the process and let him reveal his character.
Opening the door and assuming the best will make the good men gravitate towards you. Treat him as if he’s going to hurt you and he’s not going to want to stick around.
From Sarah: If that powerful bit of advice makes sense but you find it hard to implement, I highly recommend that you check out Evan’s dating website and his book, “Why He Disappeared: The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.”Soon, you’ll be able to distinguish good men from bad men, see what you’ve been doing wrong your entire life, and have a great time in your new dating life–>>