Is the type of man you are usually attracted to or who are attracted to you handsome, hunky, gorgeous, so much fun, maybe a bit dangerous feeling, bad boyish, and makes you melt in most every way?
BUT maybe these men your attracted to don’t treat you all that well? Maybe they even use you, abuse you? Disrespect you? At best hand you crumbs as if it’s the most delicious cake?
Does the “good man” you hear about, see out and about, maybe date once or twice seem dull, lackluster, boring in comparison? Are the good men physically so so if not downright unappealing? They may be nice enough, but are they are just not doing it for you?
So what do you do about this? Is it all hopeless? Are you destined to be single or unhappy in love?
Well it certainly isn’t hopeless, and I don’t believe in destiny. I believe we can change ANYTHING we wish to, even your physical body, but this is another topic altogether.
There ARE plenty of great men out there, BUT you need to be able to recognize them, SEE them, really see them. How you might ask?
How Do You Spot the Great Man
It may not be an easy or quick fix, but it CAN BE once you gain an awareness of what you do and think when it comes to dating. You CAN CHANGE this in you.
So ~ how about rethinking ALL of this? How about trying something radically new? How about opening your mind and heart to ALL men no matter how they seem to you initially?
I’m not suggesting that you would want to force yourself to date someone who makes you cringe, who when he smiles at you or, yikes, reaches for your hand makes you want to throw up or get away as fast as you can.
But I am asking you to at least give him a chance. So what if looks a bit unkempt or is a bit soft around the middle. So what if he seems shy or ill at ease. So what if he talks too much.
If he’s blatantly leering at you, okay – run the other way. But most men are not like this.
So what if he doesn’t cause your hear to pitter pat from the get go. (beware – be aware if it does. you could be setting yourself up for more of the same.)
Of course I believe in chemistry and falling in love the moment you lay eyes on each other, BUT these cases are rare. And many of these cases end up not lasting in the long term.
Getting to know another person takes time. Creating REAL, long lasting chemistry takes time. Developing profound intimacy takes time. Falling in love and being in love at the same time does not usually happen within seconds or even months of being with someone.
And there may or may not be an immediate attraction. This too can grow and blossom with time. And when it does – it feels SO lovely, soft, comforting, easy like a breath of spring air, yet flaming with crimson intensity, waves of heat flushing your every pore with yummyness.
What Makes YOU Attracted to a Man?
So now I want to ask you to take a look deeply within yourself. As a child, were you poorly treated? Were you mostly ignored, neglected, rejected, maybe even abandoned? Or at least not supported or encouraged in your endeavors? Was your childhood filled with a basket of crumbs?
Now think about this. Have you come to equate this kind of neglectful treatment with love? Don’t say no right away.
Or was your family life filled with raised voices, conflict, fireworks? Maybe there was verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse? Maybe all three?
So love became equated with drama and abuse?
Depending on your herstory, if this is what you’ve known, then crumbs WILL look and feel like love to you. As will the highly charged interactions.
And you will be attracted to the same in a man even if at first they seem SO different. When his true colors reveal themselves, you will see how much like your past and all the others he really is. It’s as if you can smell these men out. The attraction is so keen.
And it works the other way. They too will be attracted to your habit and patterns, the ways of love you’ve known. For this is where they came from. This is their history.
So why is this? Why is this still present, still with you? You know better, don’t you? All you want is to love and be loved.
It’s because of where you came from and to what you became accustomed. It’s because love became distorted so early on, and this is not such an easy pattern to break. For the kinds of men who toss you scraps or present you with bad boy behavior will feel like an odd sort of comfort because it feels familiar. These kinds of men feel like the only kind of love you have ever really known. Even though it feels bad if not downright horrible, it still feels familiar, and there is great comfort in familiarity.
But this isn’t really love. This isn’t really what you want. Is it? Aren’t you tired of the initial intensity which only ends up feeling SO bad?
Well I’m here to tell you that you CAN rewire your attraction radar. Your “the one” CAN have all you REALLY want in a forever love.
And you DON’T have to settle for tedium in order to have nice and dependable. And it’s not at all that you have to learn to love someone you find boring or unattractive and certainly not someone you feel repulsed by.
It’s all about learning how to feel curious and learning to feel open to any and all possibility. It’s about feeling surprise and awe in most every moment and most every encounter with most anyone.
Even if at first you feel nonplussed or even turned off, if you keep your mind and your heart wide open, you may very well find yourself feeling delight and wonder at what you uncover or discover. This date or this chance encounter man may not be that one special man, but HE COULD BE. At the very least he may be someone interesting, someone to learn from, someone to practice your new found curiosity skills with.
For example when I first went out with K, he didn’t look anything like the kind of man I usually went for aside from his height. He seemed to me a bit funny looking with a large what I thought of as a tomato nose. He seemed nice enough, but there was no surge of anything.
After our first date, I still wasn’t sure. All he did was talk about himself, mostly anyway. I thought that he was either a narcissist, or he was nervous.
Even though I was on some sort of healing path, this was before I had any kind of direction, and I certainly had few if any tools. Yet from somewhere I received the inspiration to remain curious about this man. I know I can feel uncomfortable with new people, shy. Maybe I too don’t make the best first impressions.
So I made a conscious decision to give him a chance, to give myself the chance to explore, to be open, to just see what might unfold.
He turned out to be an amazing, loving, affectionate, generous, fun, funny, smart man. And I now think his nose is adorable as is the rest of him. We have an amazing relationship which continues to deepen, get better, become closer and more connected in all ways, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. We just had our ten year anniversary in April.
Look what I would have missed out on had I gone with my initial reaction, had I not kept myself open to whatever might be revealed.
And yes he’s changed over the years but only for the better, only as I healed and grew. The “better” I became, the “better” he became. You have heard me say that a man heals best through a woman’s heart, and I am living proof of this.
Curiosity can be your best friend. You don’t owe anyone anything by responding to someone on any dating site or any man you might be fixed up with. It doesn’t mean anything other than you feel curious. You want to know who this person is even if no initial attraction is there.
Initial attraction means nothing anyway. It’s simply a response to physical appearance which says nothing about what’s in this person’s heart and mind.
Don’t you hate it when a man does this to you? Dismisses you because you don’t look like whatever is he thinks he wants. Or the opposite, he wants you because one or more of your body parts fit into his preconceived concepts. Don’t you feel annoyed if not angry at being just a body to him?
So I didn’t settle. I didn’t learn to love a boring man, for he never was. I learned to open my eyes and my heart.
Your the one CAN have it all, IF you let go as did I.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for you, or you and your man->