carol.jpgby Carol Allen

Last week I wrote a little missive on why men withdraw – you know, why they stop calling you, stop making plans with you, or stop being affectionate with you. All that fun stuff that makes you go quickly insane – making you lose sleep… Cry to your friends… Buy lots of shoes you’ll never wear… Turn to chocolate by the pound…

And resort to desperate measures to find answers, like cruising the internet (of ALL
things!) for advice.

(Ridiculous, I know. I mean, PUH-LEEZE. From such crazy topics as astrology even. Can you imagine? :))

While I knew this was the #1 complaint women have about men, I didn’t expect what happened.

TONS of you wrote to me about your men withdrawing.

It seems it’s a bigger problem than I thought… I’ve been depressed for days. It’s like a love epidemic out there. Somebody needs to come up with a vaccine, and quick!

The biggest surprise, however, wasn’t that many of you were going through this.

It was that MEN starting writing to me about it.

And I didn’t know men were sitting in on these girl chats of ours. It seems there are “spies among us…” (Hi guys! :))

But seriously, I got a VERY important email from a man that I HAVE to share with you. Here goes:

“Dear Carol,
The man you describe could easily be me.
I do suddenly just withdraw. It is more of a comfort zone. Maybe it is testimony to the fact that the relationship is not really what I want, but is something I need for the time being. Maybe this is just using the relationship for my own ends. If that is true, then I’m guilty of it.

I am in a relationship in which we are both totally committed. I am desperate for this to work and it really is working. MM”

Okay, did you catch that?

No really.

That was MAJOR.

Let me recap.

“M” said he’s withdrawn suddenly on women before. And he admits – though not totally
taking responsibility with all of his “maybes” – that he does this when he’s essentially USING a woman to enjoy for a time, but who he doesn’t think is the woman for him.

And that he withdraws when he’s done having his fun. YIKES. But it’s the NEXT bit of his letter that matters.

This same man who has withdrawn on clearly more than one woman – leaving who knows how many women heartbroken, jaded, disappointed, shattered, or afraid to ever open up to a man again – is now with a woman who he’s “totally committed” to and is “DESPERATE” to make it work with.

That’s HUGE. And I’m happy for him and the lucky lady that’s wrangled his roving heart.

Now, truthfully, to be fair, there’s nothing wrong with a man enjoying a woman that he has no plans to be with for forever. Just as there’s nothing wrong with a woman dating a man that she knows she’ll never settle down with.

What’s too bad is that M. didn’t know how to be honest and let a woman know who she was to him and where she fit into his life. Lots of women are up for some fun and don’t mind not being a man’s “forever girl.” They’ll spend time and attention and affection on a man, knowing that it won’t end up in a big commitment.

But M. and MANY men like him don’t know how to set the terms of a relationship in a way that is HEALTHY for them and the woman. So while he’s MAYBE using her, she’s thinking things are MAYBE going to head into a shiny, happy future, is getting more and more connected the more attention he spends on her.

You open up more with every phone call, date, touch, interaction. You read into a man’s actions and think, “Well – he MUST be into me – he keeps calling and texting!” When maybe it means he’s simply bored, or lonely, or, uh, “frisky”…

I find too many women make excuses for men who withdraw, thinking it’s because he’s afraid, or has “commitment issues,” or that he’s still not over his ex…

When maybe he’s just not the guy for them, and he’s self selecting OUT of her life, to get out of the way for THE ONE.

Which you really have to thank him for.

Now, there’s no one story of why men withdraw. Sometimes it’s a problem in their own life that’s bleeding into the relationship. Sometimes it IS that their not over their ex. Sometimes it IS their fear of getting hurt, or of being rejected.

(My husband would tell a guy like that to go “put on sun dress.” :))

But often – and I find MOST OF THE TIME, a man withdraws because he’s just not the right man.

I’ve seen women go through agony – sometimes for decades – trying to force the wrong man to become the right man.

You don’t need me to tell you that doesn’t work.

So find out if he has the potential to be the right man by running a “Right Man Report”
with him.

This in-depth compatibility report on you and a man will tell you if you and he have the kind of connection and affinity to “go the distance” or if he’ll always ultimately withdraw from you – or leave you wishing he would.

The incredible thing is that “compatibility” is about more than just if you and a man get along. It’s also a question of if you and he have compatible destinies, and if your paths are meant to intersect.

Amazingly, the technique used in “The Right Man Report” shows both – if you and a man are on the same wavelength and can get along in “day to day” affairs, as well as if you’ve got the “karma” to make it work. (Sorry – there’s really no better word to describe it…)

You can learn all about it or order yours here->

May God and his planets and stars shower you with love!

From Sarah: Carol has great help for you – and not just about Astrology – she’s a fabulous relationship coach with a huge following and so many success stories – her letters and reports are amazing –Go right here to get her free newsletters->


  1. Lindsey on February 2, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Hello. This is a great article. I know people scoff at having someone else determine whether their partner is suitable for them, and whether they will be compatible. Your suggestion about using “The Right Man Report” is fine as it is better to at least check out whether your companion will be suitable for you before commiting.

    I think this practice exists in some countries where the horoscopes of both the parters are matched for compatability before marriage.
    Thanks for such a great piece of advice.

  2. Tiffany on February 3, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    I totally agree with this article, and I think it’s information that every woman needs to know. There are so many women out there that are in love with men who are using them, and they don’t even realize it. I’ve been guilty of this very thing myself, and in the end it resulted in complete and total heartbreak.

  3. Ramya on February 4, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Hello everybody, I think it’s a great article. This practice already exists in some countries and also a good one. Thanks for our valuable post.

  4. juliet on February 4, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Wow, I’ve always wondered why my guy doesn’t seem to be as affectionate as he used to be when we first started dating. He used to tell me I was beautiful and he couldn’t believe he was with me. Now, I’m no narcissist, but I still wish he would compliment my appearance now and then. I never understood until now that he is withdrawing. Maybe I should order that Right Man Report…

  5. Kelly on February 5, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Thank you so much for this article! I loved the way you came right out and said what so many of us try to pretend isn’t true: that sometimes a guy seems great, but he just isn’t the guy for you. Your frank acknowledgment that some couples just are not going to work is a breath of fresh air. And I love your idea of using “The Right Man Report” to help us women save ourselves the trouble of wasting our time on a guy that it is never going to work with. There’s nothing worse than spending months with a man and trying to convince yourself that there is more to it than really exists.

    Thanks again for the advice!

  6. vaneeta on March 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    i dont beleive its cause its just not the right man i feel they are confused cause many times they leave and try to return by then ive moved on and could care less and now there dying to have u , men just want what they can have i think. some are soulmates or your twin soul

  7. vaneeta on March 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    i mean men just want what they cant have

  8. vaneeta on March 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    men do return by then ive moved on and there dying to have me, some return as soul mates, soul friendships or your twin!

  9. Sophia on June 30, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Hmmm, the “M” guy sounds really selfish and it makes me wonder are most men just that selfish? Why do they get to be? Are we not asking enough of them? And then I thought, “Wow, we live in the land of boys not men. Where are the men?”

    Also it struck me that there is an assumption that now because this man/child really wants it to work out with a new woman he has the capacity or skills. Where would he learn them? I think this is fantasy in a way? I mean, it plays on women’s misguided beliefs that she can turn a bad boy into a husband. He sounds like a bad boy who is the worst boy as he doesn’t even give clear signals he is a bad boy. It’s more like, “Gosh, gee, I don’t know why I haven’t called? ” Lame! There is no accountability and as Carol said, he wasn’t honest about what he did or didn’t want and that is very painful and deceiving. This is why women grow very tired of men and go in their towers to recover and feel more peaceful.

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