by Rori Raye
Here’s a letter from Sara, who’s in a relationship with a very “toxic man” – and though she’s “beating her head against a wall” trying to figure out what to do – there may be some simple answers for her:
“Rori, well this last month has been my own personal hell. My boyfriend of just six months pulled everything you could ever imagine! We started off great, then a few months the “lets move in together” question pops up from him!
Then the “I love you” start rolling in from him too. Until in the end of the 5th month he asks me to marry him. I was a little surprised with it being so fast. And let me tell you, we didn’t have the best relationship at all. NOwhere near marriage!
He is a cheater and a liar. He is a womanizer and down right awful person. But, yet all along he was the one to initiate all of the advancements in our relationship. Which in turn made me feel that he deeply cared about me and was even going to commit.
We had our little breaks in between, and during those times it was because he wanted to date other women. Specific women who he had been talking to behind my back! It feels awful. I feel so used and hurt. I just wonder how come he lead me on if those feelings were never really there.
He claims it was to make me feel better, but in turn it made me feel worse. I would have been ok with going on a break if the comments of love, marriage and living together were never even said. It would truthfully make all of this a lot easier.
We are totally broken up now. He last told me that he is “working something out with someone he really cares a lot about”.
That was the last straw and I took your advice! I changed my phone number and deleted him as my “friend” on Myspace. I just wanted him to realize that i was gone, and I am not playing his games anymore.
How do I heal my broken, torn up heart?
I realize letting go is half the battle, but I don’t even know where to start. And every day I wonder if he is going to come back just like he had before….?
Everytime he pulls these stunts I back away, and there he is a few days later he’s sorry. But then in starts all over again! I can’t do it, but its so hard for me to be away from him…
What do I do?
Sara, There’s nothing to do…
Without some serious, conscious determination, or a life-altering situation (even therapy doesn’t always work) – change doesn’t just “happen.”
This man’s need to lie and cover up and make everything your fault and talk about your hurt as though you don’t really exist as a human being is totally “normal” for some people.
What’s Wrong with This Toxic Man?
These kinds of personalities and habits used to be called “personality disorders.”
They used to have names (many still do) – and certain drugs were prescribed, and different kinds of therapies.
Now – psychiatry is moving toward a more “symptom-based” approach, and they’re starting to adopt more, what I’d call “spiritual” approaches. The kinds of things we coaches and many therapists have been doing all along.
Now, many therapists work with a person to build on his/her strengths, to cope better, to actually learn how to be a socially conscious human being.
This is much the way many brilliant people with Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of autism, have learned to function in the world.
People with Asperger’s often literally cannot read facial expressions. They don’t know whether the look on your face is sad or happy or angry.
And so they may do their best, but simply can’t interpret what you mean unless you deliberately say exactly what’s going on for you in straight-forward terms.
And then – they may not know what to DO about that. You have to tell them that directly, too – like “Please hug me.”
And after a while, that can get pretty tiring.
Even a man who seems “normal” can have mild Asperger’s, or simply have those characteristics and habits in his personality.
It’s not his fault he doesn’t understand you – and in a way, it’s not his fault he gave up trying to figure it out.
You Can’t Change A Toxic Man If He Doesn’t Want To Change
The important thing to know here is, it takes motivation to change.
And you can’t motivate a man to change by telling him what he’s doing wrong or explaining things to him.
Motivation to change in a relationship has to do with attraction – and talking to a man in a reasonable way does not inspire attraction.
And – even if he’s MIGHTILY attracted to you – that might not be enough for him to be willing to face his demons, jump out of his comfort zone, and change for you.
He may not WANT to be toxic, but if it’s all he knows, and he tells you often or demonstrates through his actions that he’s not all that motivated to change, your choices may be limited.
The thing is – you never know if a toxic man can be rehabilitated until you try my Tools.
They’ll help you stand up for yourself in a completely new and different way that’ll make you feel powerful – and make him FEEL your power.
The most exhilarating result of using the Power Speeches and Tools when dealing with a toxic man is that, if he DOESN”T change for you – instead of pining for him, and chasing him more, or going back to being his emotional punching bag, you’ll just get bored.
More and more bored.
Your feelings for him will fade away.
Let me know how you’re doing,
From Sarah: Rori’s got such powerful relationship advice, and her Have The Relationship You Want ebook is always the first place I go when I need help. Her stuff works. She’s got simple but incredible free tools to use to strengthen your confidence, joy and self-esteem and attract the kind of man you want in your life. Check her out, get her free newsletters, and get what you want from your relationship – even if you’re wondering if what you’ve got is a toxic man–>>