christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

Ok. Now let’s start by talking about what most women DO or SAY when a man withdraws and gets distant, and why it actually BACKFIRES on them… even though they have the best of intentions. I’ll give you a quick and valuable lesson in relationship psychology here…

One of the most fascinating parts about how men and women communicate and end up MISUNDERSTANDING each other comes from two universal truths-

Truth #1: A man will approach conversations and his relationship with a woman by doing WHAT MAKES SENSE TO HIM as a man.

Truth #2: A woman will approach conversations and her relationship with a man by doing WHAT MAKES SENSE TO HER as a woman.

Now, I want you to read these two truths again and think about them on a deeper level. At first these might seem obvious, but I want you to think about what actually happens in most relationships as a direct result of these two truths. They’re so important I’ll say them again…

Truth #1: A man will approach conversations and his relationship with a woman by doing WHAT MAKES SENSE TO HIM as a man.

Truth #2: A woman will approach conversations and her relationship with a man by doing WHAT MAKES SENSE TO HER as a woman.

If you’re paying attention to what this means, then you can see there’s a “built in”
problem or conflict here in how men and women communicate with each other. Let me show you by example how this is playing out in the way you think and act with a man…

Remember the story I told you earlier about that great guy who suddenly changed? And do you remember how it was strangely familiar for you? Well… what do you do in this situation, as a woman, when a man has suddenly withdrawn, stops communicating the way he used to, and becomes less affectionate and emotionally involved?

Well, if you’re like most women, then here are the two most common and destructive mistakes you make by doing what makes sense to YOU as a woman:

Mistake #1) You try to talk to him about what’s going on by simply asking him, “What’s wrong?”… and then you expect him to open up, share his feelings, and talk to you about it.

To you, as a woman, this makes perfect sense. And it’s what you wished a man would do with you – you wished he would hold you, look you deep in the eyes each time you weren’t feeling good about something, and ask you to share your feelings. And then he’d listen and support you and your feelings, and not try to fix you or get you to not feel what you feel.

But of course this isn’t WHAT A MAN WANTS…so instead of feeling good when you try and get him to open up, he says “nothing’s wrong” in a low mumble. And he either seems to brush you off, act like everything is fine, and that you’re being overly emotional or worrying too much. Or he gets DEFENSIVE about you asking him in the first place, and he lashes out at you with anger and frustration. So, you end up feeling worse about things than you did before you tried talking to him.

If you had this happen to you…then you know that a man can actually end up getting even more upset or frustrated with you when you simply react to his defensiveness or anger. As though you’re not supposed to have your own feelings, or show them.

Mistake #2) You try and hide your feelings of worry and concern by “stuffing” everything inside of you… hoping that he won’t see anything “negative” going on with you and pull away even further.

For the sake of the relationship, and to try and be supportive and patient, you decide not to say anything about how his behavior has changed and is keeping you apart But you can only hold it in so long. You try and cheer him up, or plan things for you both to do that will be fun, romantic, and get you back to feeling the way you used to feel around each other. But he shows little or no interest in the ideas you come up with… and he doesn’t take part in planning or doing things with you.

Even though you’re trying to “be cool” and stay calm, your feelings and frustrations start to build, and they start to slip out at unexpected times. You feel like you’re holding the relationship together all on your own. And you start to find yourself getting really upset with him for things like forgetting to take out the trash… when the truth is that you’re just plain tired and fed up with how he’s acting and the distance between you.

You’d be willing to take out the trash yourself, along with all the 100 other things you’re doing all by yourself to keep your life and your house together… if he’d just “wake up” and start participating in your relationship. But he doesn’t start to open up to you, no matter how much you do to make your lives better or easier… and no matter how much you try and reconnect with him. With all this going on, eventually you EXPLODE EMOTIONALLY and it all comes out.

But instead of it bringing you closer and fixing the problems that have been going on…he doesn’t listen to you, or try to understand all that you’ve been trying to do to carry the relationship while he’s been “uninvolved”. In fact, he TURNS AGAINST YOU when you try and get him to understand how you feel and everything you’ve been doing. And he acts as though he doesn’t even like being around you because you “nag him” all the time. It seems like there’s nothing you can do to make him happy.

Part of the secret to having a man who wants to be physically and emotionally committed with you in a long-term relationship is understanding how the COMMITMENT PROCESS works for HIM. There are times when a man is going to act less “engaged”, or tell you he might want his “freedom”… and if you don’t know why he’s doing this, what it means, and you get freaked out by it and end up putting more distance between you, you’re going to painfully regret it.

If you don’t know HIS REASONS for wanting to stay with you… for wanting to be monogamous…and for wanting to share his heart and mind with you (and yours with him)… then like most women, you’re going to spend literally years of wasted time and energy experiencing the pain of failed relationships and lost love. Don’t let this happen to you because you didn’t learn the truth that a huge part of the problem is that you never took the time, or found the right information, to help you learn how a loving, lasting, committed relationship actually works for A MAN.

Don’t deny the truth that as much as you’ve learned about men, or about the man in your life… that you’re always going to think of your relationship in terms of what makes sense to YOU as a woman. What MAKES SENSE to a man, isn’t often what makes sense to you. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t create the relationship you want with a man. It means that you have to learn how to create it with him in mind. And the beauty is that when you start doing things and showing a man that you understand how things work for him… and what a great relationship looks like and feels like for him…He will instantly start giving the same back to you.

I promise.

Christian Carter

From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->


  1. isabella on December 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    This article is good but I don’t like it when gurus tell you what you’re doing wrong and don’t advise you on how to do it right. humm

  2. Thomas on December 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

    I agree with Isabella’s guru comment. There are plenty of times when the shoe is on the other foot; perhaps the author and I live in very different places but this isn’t necessarily a matter of gender differences. Women can be emotionally aloof and men can be even overly communicative. I’d rather have a rough set of reasonable expectations that can be applied to men or women – it’s the 21st century after all. P.s. the man described in the above scenario just sounds immature; no one should have to pander to such behaviour.

  3. Mickey on January 11, 2012 at 6:26 am

    If the guru’s gave you the answers in this article, you wouldn’t have the need to purchase their ebooks….This guy is really informative and seems to know his stuff. I purchased his ebook and I had no idea that men and women handle things so differently when it comes to the above scenario.
    I used Christian’s techniques and they do work…. Thanks Christian

  4. dr.amanpreet kaur on January 28, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    i truly admired whatever u said in dis opened my i know what i have to do onwards..

  5. Erica on December 17, 2013 at 10:42 am

    okay now i know everything about me is wrong and ruining everything so what the f— do i do differently???

  6. philomena charles on January 20, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    OK….men need to grow up and be men and not emotion sucking parasites….why the hell do we have to pamper them like they’re spoiled brats, and why should we be the only one working to hold the relationship together while they remain uninvolved and distant. We give so much of ourselves and get so little in return and now we are expected to stroke their ego too?? Hell no!!!! I say when they become suddenly withdrawn, less affectionate, emotionally uninvolved and stops communicating the way they used to……. its time to pack up your sand box and leave them to sit in a corner to suck on their thumb. Just remember that we are the prize so they need to play their best hand.

  7. Philomena Charles Fan on February 21, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Well said PC – I think you should write your own blog for I bet you’ve no bother keeping your men under control ;) xx

  8. Sarah on February 23, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    philomena, I expected to react to your comment in a different way. I didn’t like the first two sentences, or the tone about men in general – it seems defeating before you even meet someone, just because you “see” men in this way. AND – I actually loved the “pack up your sandbox and leave them to sit in a corner to suck on their thumb. Just remember that we are the prize so they need to play their best hand” image.

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