“Why does he keep looking at pictures of nude women? Am I an idiot?” my friend Denise asks me. It’s been so long, it’s been so hard, she’s come so far in handling this ONE flaw her man has, and yet she feels like crap. Total dog doo.

Yeah, they’ve talked about it. Talked and talked and talked to nausea, and Denise feels not one bit better.

“It’s abandonment issues…” she says, but there has to be so much more. How can this be? I ask myself. How can such a great man (and he IS a great man, be so crappy about this? Why can’t he just STOP for goodness sake? Any takers on this one?

13 Comments

  1. tinque on September 30, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    Oh my, I have so much to share on this subject, one that has been a source of deep pain. I also knew that it was triggering deeper issues, abandonment likely at the top of the list, but I came through the other side. It was an intense journey, but well worth the struggle. I just finished writing an abbreviated version on just this earlier which I will copy here. For more detailed information, take a look at tinque.blogspot.com. which is still a work in progress, but there is already a great deal there which may help. If you wish to ask me any questions or desire something more, please e-mail me.

    I discovered my partner liked to look at porn on the internet three years into the relationship. If I hadn’t happened upon it one day, I would still not know to this day that he likes porn, for he was always attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us. We had a really nice relationship even though I knew all along that I was keeping my deeper self from him. I always have and knew no other way out of fear etc., yet still we were really good together. I’m sure he sensed some of this somewhere, but he’s patient and felt that someday I would open to him or not. Porn had nothing to do with any of this.
    Finding it though plunged me into deep despair, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t about the porn. It was deeper issues that were being triggered by it. It took me three more years of intense inner work using various means along with desire, determination, and dedication that brought me through to the other side.
    I came to find out that for him and surely other men as well that porn only stokes the fire of his passion for me, or sometimes it’s just an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time. Who doesn’t enjoy being aroused after all. He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire. Men like my man have a wonderful way of being able to be sexually attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved. Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection from eyeballs to penis. There is no stopping along the way. On the other hand when he sees me there is, the brain and the heart. A distinct difference of which he’s well aware. This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can always imagine, feel sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even as if we are there, and we can become caught up in it all and possibly become confused about it all.
    For me now that I have healed from my deeper stuff and reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, I find that I can feel all that I just described if I find an image or clip that arouses me, but there is never a comparison, for I’m just feeling what I feel nebulously, not imagining that what I see is part of any of me. What could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.
    We’ve been together now for over six years, and though sex has never been boring, it keeps getting better and better. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit. I have also found that men take our lead in this. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us. They find bliss through our hearts. Maybe I’m very lucky in the man I have, but then again so is he. He is my brand of adoring white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.
    I feel your friend’s pain and wish to help.



  2. Sasha on May 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Thank you for the insight and sharing your experience. But not all men look at porn and, as you know, most women aren’t okay with their man consuming pornography. Instead of saying women need to ‘get over it’ which is essentially what you’re saying, why not address the other side of the coin, which could be a values issue. You can have great self-esteem and know you are good enough, but know that some things just aren’t going to work for you. Porn isn’t some innocuous thing that women make a huge deal over all the time. If you aren’t okay with it, you shouldn’t have to BECOME okay with it to have a man. Just my two cents…



  3. Katie on May 14, 2011 at 2:28 am

    If one more person says “Get Over It” or “It’s a Guy Thing” I am going to go postal.

    There is no excuse for looking at porn when you are in a committed, solid loving relationship. Once you leave the single life porn needs to be cut out one hundred and ten percent. Unless you and your partner watch it TOGETHER and are actually comfortable not just trying to make your man happy.
    Saying boys will be boys, or it’s a guy thing are EXCUSES. If women were the ones hiding it, looking at men with rather large muscular physics and appendages men would be furious, they would have no problem speaking up, telling us that we don’t want them we want the guys we’re looking at, so why is it suddenly okay when men look at other women?… It’s not, and anyone who thinks so is ridiculous.
    I have been with my partner for 3 years, we have a gorgeous 13 month old and we are quite a young couple and porn is ruining our relationship. Ever since the first time I came across his search history he forgot to clear our relationship has gone down the toilet. I have no respect for him, I don’t want him to even look at me, never mind see any part of me naked, when nursing my son I cover up in my own house because I feel so ashamed of my body. I have definitely let myself go, and there is no excuse for that but having him rub it in my face by looking at these fake, plastic air brushed naked women makes me want to curl up in a ball and just simply die. I will never be okay with, I will never get over it and I will always hold onto it in the back of my mind, I can’t help it. It has deeply hurt me, if I even talk to another male my partner gets all defensive, yet he can look at other women and imagine being inside them?



  4. Sasha on June 3, 2011 at 1:41 am

    Katie & I represent the Silent Majority of women who aren’t okay with porn. Articles and culture attempt to convince us that WE have the problem. I don’t have kids, but I am older and when I came to my senses and voiced my opposition to this behavior, I felt the way Katie does – loss of respect for my partner & profound sadness because everything we shared when making love was now meaningless. We were two animals humping for all it meant to me. And it remains that way. I care less about being close w/ him and see sex as something base and something to tic off on my To Do List (no pun intended) to keep him happy. I have no interest anymore whatsoever.

    And that doesn’t make me sick, or i need of psychotherapy. Glossing over a behavior that is fundamentally objectionable & making excuses for it, which makes it acceptable, to hold onto a man is weak and sad. And that’s where culture has led us.



  5. Beth on November 26, 2011 at 7:41 am

    I hear and feel for Katie and Sasha. I was in a marriage with someone for 31 yrs that had a porn addiction that I knew of for pretty much the whole of that time. I stuck it out although for the last 10 years we had little to no physical relationship, mostly on my part. It was a thought that made me cringe. I was in the marriage for the long haul, figuring that it was my lot in life; the choice and promise that I made. I finally experienced a breakdown because I kept my sadness, pain, self loathing, anger, bitterness and distrust completely to myself. During counseling with my wonderful therapist, I came to the realization that I didn’t HAVE to live with this anymore.

    I have been single now and living in a place far away for over a year and I still struggle with porn. I mean that I have developed another relationship with someone just to find out that he too, is “porn-addicted” yet denies it as an addiction. I fear that there are no men out there that don’t use and abuse porn. It saddens me, disgusts, angers, and scares me; makes me cringe and feel poorly about myself. I question my ability to hold enough allure and lasting sex appeal for any man. What to do about men in general is a the question of the day for me now.



  6. Lea on December 12, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    I have been dating a guy for almost 5 years now off and on. All our problems revolve around his porn.He says “he loves me but then searches for whores on his cell phone”. We broke up got back together but broke up again. He had got on facebook adding sluts left and right. Not to mention his porn and blowup doll that he purchased. So naturally I had enough,I soon started dating another man he didnt view porn but screwed anything that walks.Done with that one. The old boyfriend comes back declares his love for me,claims to have trashed the porn DVD’s .LOL But now he carries it on his cell phone. There is no excuse for any of this behaviour oh he doesn’t like if another man flirts with me. Or even talks with me.But says he don’t think it would bother him if I viewed pictures of naked men. To say oh it’s a male thing is bullcrap! It’s total disrespect . so what to do in a world full of sick men that have no respect for their woman that they claim to love. I have thought and thought about it. He can look at porn I have told him I can’t make him any promises. I am very sexual and see no reason why he should continue to want me to feel like a piece of shit! I am going to tell him to watch all the porn he wants. I am going to go to the next male revue,I am going to flirt, I am going to chat on the phone with other men. I am going to be happy.Porn makes him happy,Porn excites him it is not to get him ready for me that’s bullshit,It’s because he desires to have sex with whores! I desire to be desired. I am going to dress better when I go out alone,wear fake nails,more makeup not for him for me! He wants whores by God he can have them! Except his porn Nope! He hides porn! He likes porn! I like real men,real attention.



  7. Linda on March 31, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I just don’t understand… if a guy cares about you and you tell him how much it hurts you you would think he would stop. But yet they continue which shows they care more about porn and himself than the women they say they love. I would never do anything that I knew hurt my partner. They need to care more!!!!



  8. karen on April 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    I feel for katie I to know the effects porn can have on a relationship my partner is not aware I no bout his porn on his phone but i have never felt so ashamed of my body or any apperance of mine it has got to the stage where I hardly eat, and I’m always covered up, granted I am no page 3 model and he says he loves every part of me so why does he feel the need to have more pics and vids of these so called perfect women than he does of me x :(



  9. Sasha on April 5, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    the women who have responded to this article are not pathetic victims with no self-esteem. we are strong women with principles who refuse to accept disgusting behavior that says more about the men who view this garbage than it does us. if i end up alone, that’s ok. at least i’ll be happy and not with someone whose behavior turns me off.

    even suggesting that we ‘do something empowering for ourselves’ such as make a video for him is ludicrous. we think it’s wrong and we value ourselves more than that.



  10. Linda on April 15, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I feel for all women who have to go through this. I am, and it sucks! Why should we even try anymore to make them happy when porn is more important to them then the women the say they “love”. All I know is its close to ending my relationship.



  11. Kitty on April 21, 2012 at 8:05 am

    I am pregnant and already feel fat, him looking at it makes me feel like I’m disgusting looking. I cry a lot because of it. What’s worse is he knows how I feel, I told him before I was pregnant. Him continuing to look at it makes me feel like crap and that porn is more important than I am.



  12. Lindsay on March 23, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    I have been with my husband for almost 8 years and married for a month and I just started finding pics on his phone and he even accidentally showed me one and tried saying he took it of us. Wtf are you serious I know what we look like thank you. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and die I feel so discusting fat gross and no man or women has ever said anything but amazing things about me. However I have always hates my body and this just makes everything so much worse. This is cheating to me and he knows how bad it hurts me but he keeps looking. I would like to be able to talk to someone anyone about this.



  13. Angel M on August 25, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    Men will ALWAYS watch porn. Why? Because Men like hot women doing nasty things. You don’t like it? Too bad. If you try to ban it, he will watch it on his phone. Stop trying to control everything. Control shouldn’t be part of a relationship. Love and being a team is what its about. Not control. Go control your kids. Gnite everyone. I’ll be on Xvideos. I like my porn HD.



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