When’s The Right Time To End The Relationship?

“Would you end a good thing with someone you’ve fallen in love with because you know they deserve better?”

This is a question we recently got on our Facebook page, and it leads nicely into what I wanted to talk about today…self esteem, “Toxic Insecurity” and when you NEED to let a man go . . .

Here’s my response:

Hey Shelly, Great (and painful) question and a couple things in the way you phrased your (delightfully short) question concern me.

But before we get to that, let’s talk about a few situations in which you SHOULD let someone go . . .

Reasons to End a Relationship:

You should ALWAYS let a guy go (even if you’re desperately in love with him) if . . .

1. You’re emotionally or physically abusive to him (and I do hear from women regularly who say they are physically abusive to their men. End the relationship. Get therapy.)

2. He’s emotionally or physically abusive to you. (There’s no excuse for laying a hand on a woman and no matter what you tell yourself he’s not going to change. This goes double if you have kids since they’re learning awful lessons.)

3. If you’re emotionally unavailable.

4. If you fight all the time and simply aren’t happy in the relationship even if you love each other like crazy. (Love is not always enough. You have to like each other too.)

But from your question, Shelly, I don’t get the feeling any of these categories apply to you.

You say “Would you end a ‘good thing’ because you know they deserve better.”

And my question in response is “How could they do better than a good thing?”

If you love him and he loves you . . . if you enjoy each other’s company . . . if you swoon when he holds you in his arms . . . if you do everything you can to make his life better and if he does everything he can in return . . . Well, I’m not sure it really gets “better” than that.

It sounds to me like you’ve got some self esteem issues and some of what I call “toxic insecurity.” I talk about this a lot in my “Secret Survey” program, but in order to really be loved you have to love yourself.

If you love him and he loves you I don’t see any reason to end it.

How about instead of pushing him away, you just do the work to be the wonderful woman you think he deserves?

Debbie’s Relationship Quandary

Debbie asks . . .

“I recently started dating a widower and he is still mourning his wife after 1 1/2 years. Should I give up on him? He says he does not want a serious relationship and just wants to be friends. So now we are not seeing each other and he does not even respond to emails.”

Hi Debbie,

Competing with a dead woman is a great way to go mad. 1 1/2 years after a lengthy marriage isn’t so long. It’s going to take him a while to come out of it and be “OK” with being emotionally involved with someone else. It’s up to you if you want to be his friend or not, but I’d recommend you move on.

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