“I feel that my partner does not want to assist me or provide for our baby financially…”
“Hi Rori, I have a concern and I’m hoping you can help me with it. and it breaks my heart because I learnt that a man shows His love by providing. I somehow feel that I’m the one to blame for this as this is what happened:
There was a time when I bought essentials for the baby all on my own… I didn’t ask his assistance on this and I realized he didn’t even ask me how I managed to get them or even, if the essentials were done and if we needed to buy more of them or not, he just kept quiet until we had to visit family one holiday and he required me to help contribute financially to the gathering ….and that’s when I reminded him I don’t feel I should contribute because already I had bought the essentials for the baby without his contribution and that I had no money left over…
…and he responded by saying that if I can buy the essentials without his contribution then that’s okay if I can afford it and that sounded like he is dodging responsibility and I felt like he actually feels good about not providing financially because he would be getting extra cash for himself.
Another thing is if I come up with an idea about us going out together to him it means that i will be the one to do all the paying for that outing including gas money which made me stop suggesting going out together because he wont say anything about it and it would be months without us going out so if I ever mention it then I’m the one to do all the paying because i mentioned it.
And all he would say if I ask for us to pay 50/50… he says he doesn’t have money.
So I think he is taking advantage of the me being able to contribute financially to the relationship he wants me to do it all and it angers me to think what is he thinking of me and why wont he…
I feel I should have just not initiated to assist financially because he took advantage of it and having to always remind him how he needs to provide sickens me so much because he knows he has to do it… I don’t have to ask him …so if I don’t ask him he doesn’t do anything…
…I feel like I’m constantly at war every month when we need to buy stuff for the baby. Please help what can I do?
This is Rori, and I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I feel even sadder that your situation is quite universal, and so many women in the world are suffering as you are.
I do not know where you live, or what the legal requirements are where you live, yet most places, a man’s legal requirement is to provide a certain % of funds and/or necessary shelter, food, etc. for his child.
That requirement stays in place for the rest of the child’s life to age 18 or thereabouts.
And yet, this info is not helpful enough.
It doesn’t help you to know about legal requirements when you’re actually in a relationship with someone day-to-day – where there are so many variables; where there are so many things you and your child require besides money.
The only way to have a relationship with a man who has no money – or doesn’t offer you other things I believe are required for a relationship: love, affection, attention, sex, care, emotional closeness and support, friendship – is to sit down and talk about it, on a deep level.
This is called a high-stakes conversation. It’s also a negotiation.
Many women these days make more money than the man they’re with. And so, contributing more money to the “family” is totally acceptable. The old standards of considering “money” to be a masculine provision men make to a relationship is no longer true.
Instead, a man needs to provide other things – again: love, attention, affection, emotional connection, emotional support, friendship, sexual satisfaction, practical support like errand-running and record-keeping – things that ENHANCE your experience on this planet.
That is a man’s new masculine priority – your happiness and well-being – rather than money.
That said, he needs to be able to take care of himself financially, at least enough for him to feel good about himself inside himself – and the issue of his contribution to his child becomes problematic if he can’t afford it.
That has to be a high-stakes conversation. Strictly business:
What is his contribution
What are his plans to be able to financially contribute
What does he think of the situation
How does he want to handle it
How does it effect his feelings for you and the relationship…whatever comes up in the discussion.
Your skills in being able to be in a high-stakes conversation and get what you want and need from these conversations are what’s important.
Just wanting and wishing and being angry with him won’t help you at all.
There has to be a level of respect and love for him underneath the frustration – and, as much as you can – these conversations have to happen EARLY – way before the frustration and anger and distance becomes so big that a high-stakes conversation becomes terrifyingly intense and potent.
If you learn to approach these difficult conversations early enough, and with mad skills – you’ll be quite shocked at what you can accomplish!
My basic Negotiation skills, if you’d like to refer to them, are in my “Have The Relationship You Want” ebook->
Money is the thing that busts up most relationships that bust up.
And these days are frightening financially for everyone.
A man who does not want to take care of his child financially – or believes he cannot – is in an emotional pickle.
He’s really, really scared – and, yes, if you automatically take that financial duty over, he will feel relieved, which is what your man is experiencing.
Once a person is relieved of a burden or duty that scared them, it will be double scary to get back on the train where they have to contribute. They don’t want to even think about it anymore – they were happy giving that duty to YOU – and now they don’t want it back.
This is the discussion.
There are lots of things a family needs.
A place to live, food, clothes, supplies. When you live together, the finances needed to provide those things become combined in some way, and divided up in some way.
Often, people set up a household bank account (so easy online) – and then contribute to it individually, and then make decisions – together – about how the money is spent.
Both of these financial “numbers” and contributions and spending choices need to be talked about. It’s the “business” of the family.
It’s literally sitting down at a table with paper and pencil, and working it through.
You need to start with a “list” of the necessary items and monthly costs – EVERYTHING: phone, food, supplies, rent/mortgage, everything.
Then you need to write down the income from each of you, and then work out how the money gets collected into the family and then spent on the necessities on the list. Business.
If he doesn’t have an income – then he’s going to have to say that – and then you’re going to have to discuss what to do about that.
I would hope you live somewhere with government assistance, and that counts as income. If you don’t, you may need to borrow.
All of this is terrifying, and the biggest part of being in a relationship with someone is to solve problems together.
To get the skills you need takes practice, patience inside yourself, and a willingness to let go of your anger in order to allow a solution to lovingly emerge.
In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around. She talks about how she did that, and much more – advice, tips and skills – in “Have The Relationship You Want.” I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After.