I received a distress message from a beautiful and delightful goddess woman. I will call her Alouette.
She is feeling at a loss and even a bit angry because the new man in her life “finishes” very quickly, i.e. he orgasms too soon, before she’s aroused enough to orgasm with him or soon thereafter, before she’s ready. Which in and of itself is not such a big deal. She has dealt with this with a few other men before.
Yet with the others, they made sure she was taken care of, leaving her feeling fulfilled and satisfied.
This man has been different.
As I said, it’s not so much that he finishes before her which is the problem, it’s that when he’s done, he’s done. And then he apologizes, gets kind of squirmy, and even pouts some. And she is left hanging, feeling neglected, unsatisfied, uncared for, and even used.
This man seems to be inexperienced sexually and thus unsure what to do and being a man, he will unlikely ask for directions. He seems rather shy.
And there is nothing wrong with this. In fact this could play in Alouette’s favor. IF he turns out to be a man who wants and is willing to learn. If given a little push in the right direction, he may very well be a good student.
There are so many things Alouette can do here. I would first ask her about her knowledge of her own body. Does she know how SHE uniquely works? Has she explored herself, really, really explored herself, by herself, taken the time to discover what her amazingly gorgeous sexual being self can feel and create in the form of numerous and varied sensations?
If you need/want more detailed instructions on how to do this, please refer to my e-book Sex And Heart–>>
I started a serious and intense sexual exploration around seven years ago. I thought I knew my body before, yet after being with K for awhile, something arose in me leading me to a sense that there must be MORE. Some kind of untapped potential, and I wanted to find it. I was SO right in this. The things I uncovered and discovered was amazing. What my body is able to do blows my mind. What she can feel and on an increasingly deeper, more sensitive level is incredible. And the journey continues. I am still unveiling new things all the time. And this process is SO much fun.
Even if you think you know your body really well, I will ask you to try an exploration nonetheless. You may feel very surprised.
And I want you to make this a game. Sex is fun. Yes sex can also be profoundly intimate and soul connecting too, but really it just feels SO good. So make this exploration fun too, no demands, nowhere to get to, nothing in particular to feel, just enjoyment.
And as you are learning about yourself and your precious vessel, you can also introduce what you’re learning with your man. IF you want. Or you may just want to luxuriate in the new sensations and feelings which are awakening inside you.
Now back to the man.
There are some techniques you can use to delay orgasm in a man, for example Alouette tried condoms to help de-sensitize him, and this didn’t seem to work. There is a also a technique where you or he can squeeze and rather firmly the base of his penis, where the shaft meets the testicles, to delay ejaculation.
He may or may not have health issues causing this, and if this was an established relationship, I might ask Alouette to consider this as a possibility, eg. low testosterone, yet this is a new relationship and thus not really her concern.
YET I don’t want to focus on him. As you know it’s easy for a man whether he is able to control himself of whether he’s a premature ejaculator. If he hasn’t figured out his own body yet (as long as he’s past his teens and possibly into his twenties), then you might want to question this man in your life.
Even if this is the case though, I would ask you to give him a chance to learn through you. If he really is into you, and there really is possibility for you together, he WILL want to learn.
So – focus back on Alouete.
1. The first thing I would suggest to try is something I do sometimes if I really don’t feel complete after K has orgasmed or if I’m feeling greedy, wanting more or feeling there’s another one in there aching to come out (no pun intended). The only “problem” with this one FOR ME is that we LOVE to cuddle after sex and though we still do this, it doesn’t feel quite the same. It feels a bit like a mood breaker. Yet it’s still fun to do once in awhile.
You can have him hold you while you do this which feels the best to me, or you can lay beside him. And then you take care of yourself. You’ll already be all juicy from his ejaculate, so go ahead and bring yourself to orgasm by yourself. K will usually stroke me a bit and/or kiss me while I do this which feels lovely.
I would prefer that you to do this with your fingers. I’m not a fan of vibrators and though I no longer discourage their use, I don’t encourage them either. A vibrator will never feel like a penis does. Plus there is a distinct possibility that you will accustom to the vibrator thus de-sensitizing your naturally very sensitive bits. So when a penis is introduced you may not feel much if anything at all. It won’t live up to your toy.
I do suggest their use when exploring yourself but as a dildo so that you can get a similar sense of fullness like when a penis is inside while you play with the outside. Also to help you access the g-spot if you cannot reach with your own fingers or it feels too much of a strain on your wrist.
Yet there are some women who can feel the same enjoyment whether with a man, their fingers, or a vibrator. Only YOU know your body well enough.
Now some men love to have toys introduced into love play, and some men don’t. You will just have to try and see. BUT this is about YOU, and if you love toys and have as much sensation with them or without them, then use them please. If the man can’t handle this, well…
2. Something else to try though this one can be a little tricky and may take some time and patience to get the hang of is masturbating yourself while he’s inside you. This is easiest to do when he’s on top though it can still be done laying on your side or even your belly.
The “problem” I have found is that it can seem like the penis is in the way of my fingers, and I feel nervous I might scratch this delicate skin plus there can also be an urge to push the penis out while doing this. SOMETIMES. Once you figure this technique out though, it can make for a really intense orgasm.
3. Now this third technique is my favorite though it could be the most uncomfortable feeling for you if you’ve never tried it. Yet once you get over any shyness, inhibition, awkwardness, this one is THE most fun and will leave you feeling very satisfied sexually AND emotionally and every time.
Masturbate in front of him while he either watches you and/or caresses you all over while you do this. You could either just go for it, OR you can preface by saying, “I would like to share something with you (or show you something), would you like to see?”
Lay back (apply lubricant generously if you wish. I find the extra juiciness to be a turn on for me), and start touching yourself. You could start with other body parts first, any places which feel good to you, any erogenous zones. Or you can go right for the sweet spot.
If he’s any kind of man and has any kind of smarts, he will watch carefully and take copious mental notes.
For most men, watching a woman pleasure herself is an enormous turn on. He will most likely love this. And if you do feel shy or embarrassed or self-conscious at first, you WILL get used to it. What you must let go of, and I’m asking you to take this deeply into your heart and psyche, is that he IS NOT looking at how big or flabby, or skinny and white your thighs or butt are or how big or small, loose or discolored or uneven your labia are or any other awful thing you might tell yourself about any body part YOU don’t like so much. He will NOT be picking you apart.
All he will be seeing is this glorious naked woman, and since you are his, you are HIS GORGEOUS, STUNNING, and most importantly NAKED woman, and he’s LOVING this. And if he can see this luscious naked woman feeling good, feeling pleasure, he will love this even more.
It feels wonderful if he kisses on you, touches you at the same time, yet the first few times, he may just want to watch, enjoy. If he doesn’t start to touch you on his own and you want this, tell him, “It would feel SO good to feel your hands/mouth on me while I play.”
Now the beauty of bringing yourself to orgasm FIRST is twofold. First of all you don’t need to worry about him finishing too early.
And secondly, once you’ve already had an orgasm, EVERYTHING inside you will feel MORE. Once he enters you, you will feel far more sensitive to good feeling sensations; you will feel possibly all kinds of new sensations, subtle ones, not so subtle ones. If you already orgasm vaginally, they will happen far more readily. If you don’t (though you might and just not know it), everything will still feel so much better in there and everywhere.
It’s also far easier to induce squirting this way if you already do or want to learn how.
I want you to pay attention to all the sensations you feel, really, really hone your awareness around this, tiny little shivers and shudders, rolls, waves, heat coursing through you, anything and everything. These are all forms of orgasm. ALL of it, and the little stuff CAN be expanded into bigger stuff with practice.
Just so you know, for me a vaginal orgasm feels very different than a clitoral one. The latter feels more intense, and it’s all over my body though the concentration of sensation will be in my womb. A vaginal orgasm will feel less intense, yet it feels more profound. I feel more connected to my man, more emotional. Sometimes it may just feel like a sigh, and sometimes it feels bigger than this, yet however it feels, it is SO satisfying.
Your experience may be very different from mine, and whatever you feel is WONDERFUL.
Once you get to know this man better, you might also encourage him to bring you to orgasm with with oral sex before intercourse as a really lovely option which also feels amazing.
When it comes to anything sexual, I’m asking you to relax, be open, be curious, and just enjoy no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, no matter what you feel. Every time will be a little or a lot different. Sometimes it might feel intense, and other times not. Sometimes you might feel all kinds of different things, and other times not. Whatever it is you feel is WONDERFUL. Embrace it. Love it. And just HAVE FUN.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for your relationship->