by Christian Carter
Here’s the final part of my response to “T”:
FIND AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN
Ever hear of “approval seeking” behavior?
It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.
Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.
Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now. To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I’ll give you an example…
Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman? As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?
He buys her gifts.
He calls her all the time.
He offers to do favors and errands for her.
All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention.
This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.
Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy. Of course, some women disagree and like to tell me that they really like nice guys.
Here’s my take…
A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things.
Agreed?… You CAN be attractive AND do nice things.
But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more attractive.
If a woman wasn’t really “feeling it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her heart over. It just doesn’t work that way.
With me here?
Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what is actually happening inside a lot of women when a man is taking on the “nice guy” strategy?
Somewhere deep down she starts to lose RESPECT for him because she knows she can CONTROL him. The woman doesn’t consciously choose to experience this, but it’s how she FEELS. And feelings are the most powerful things we have to drive our beliefs and desires.
Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s?
I’ve got a FASCINATING question for you.
Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?
It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think about a love you’ve had in the past, or friends you know who have been head over heels in love. Or pick up a book on the physiological and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.
There have been lots of great studies.
Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about the other person when we’re in love. We think and plan to do all kinds of things for our lover.
Part of why we do this is to try and find the best way to get or share love back from the other person. Some of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of it. Some of what we do is to think up ways to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won’t ever leave or take the love we’re feeling away.
The classic adolescent example of this is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the guy falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.
I’m not making light of that horrible situation, but it’s a good example.
Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about and you get where I’m going with this.
What I’m doing here is showing you the subtle connection between LOVE and the LOSS OF CONTROL experience.
Now, let’s tie it back to approval seeking behavior…
How does approval seeking effect LOVE?
And, what does it have to do with CONTROL?
For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act. What does a man have to think and wonder about if he’s got complete certainty about everything a woman’s going to do? Do you think a man feels intense desire, love and respect for a woman he can completely control? Or when her behavior is totally predictable? And what if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?
Think about it…
It’s this “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.
HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…
“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”
Well, you can’t “fix” a man.
And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying. But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you. You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.
The toughest and most important thing to understand is that mens behavior and thinking in these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL.
In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.
So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense making filters”.
Let me ask you a question…
If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and everything flowed?
Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)
You’d want the woman who already “got it”.
So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.
OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.
Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.
NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:
“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”
For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN’T.
There are no two ways about it.
If it isn’t, he’s not FEELING it.
Unfortunately, most women think:
“Well, if things aren’t going great, it must be because he doesn’t know something that I know, or feel something I feel. I think I’ll explain to him logically from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do… and then he’ll get it and know how and why we should love each other.”
If you’re doing this, you need a major refresher on how ATTRACTION is created and how it drives the feelings of love and long term desire.
My ebook, “Catch Him & Keep Him”, is chocked full of great examples of how to trigger what I call “Intellectual Attraction” in a man. In other words, the kind of attraction that gets a man to “naturally” open up, share himself and think about the future with a woman.
You can learn to avoid the mistakes most women make with a man that keep him from experiencing intense feelings of Intellectual Attraction. And get specific ideas on how to begin to change a situation by creating this attraction.
Here are a few specific sections in the book:
– Chapter 3, Section 1: Be Honest About What You Want
This will get you on track with how to stop being fearful about dating, scaring a man off, and how to share your feelings at the beginning in a way that will build Physical and Intellectual Attraction instead of having him withdraw.
– Chapter 3, Section 5: The “Convincer”
Here, you’ll learn the common behavior and communication style lots of women take on, that is sure to have a man acting “unavailable” and becoming less connected. I describe how and why this happens in this section and in the following section about the critical “Relationship Balance” that exists between every man and woman… and what to do about it.
– Chapter 5, Section 4: Emotions Are Contagious
A woman’s emotional power can be her greatest strength or her biggest weakness. I talk about the deeper “psychology” behind your emotions, how men perceive the most common emotions women go through, and how you can channel your emotions to have a man see you as someone he HAS to be around.
Go to the link below to check out more.
And by the way, here’s one more piece of good news…
I’ve made it so that you can download my ebook completely free of charge and try it out for 7 full days.
No tricks. No schemes. Try it for free.
I’m so sure that you’ll love it and that it will truly help you and make you feel great about where you are, that I’ll let you decide whether or not you want to pay for it. All you have to do is download the book, read it, and keep it if you love it.
I know you will.
If for any reason you don’t want the book, just let me know and you won’t have to pay ANYTHING at all. AND, you can still keep the book. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Thanks and best of luck in life and love!
From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->