by Christian Carter
To continue in my response to “T”:
FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS…AND THEN STICK TO THEM
Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SURE FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.
I’m a guy.
But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some questions about what you really want from your love life.
And, find some answers…
And then… oh my god… actually be honest about them from the start.
Here’s an important question to ask:
WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?
And I do mean YOUR needs.
Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.
Be clear here and think it through.
I’ll give you a minute…
Most women I know who are casually dating, have a set of subconscious requirements that have to be met for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating. But, they rarely recognize these requirements, or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also speaks to his needs. So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.
Here are a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:
– That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman
– That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other
– That he share some the same values and priorities in his life that she does – or can at least appreciate and support her values
Here’s an example of “stereotypical” female values in order of priority:
Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection
And, here’s one example of “stereotypical” male values in order of priority:
Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom
See any area for conflict and confusion about what’s important if these two people got together?
So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating?
And, how do you communicate these to a man?
Do you do it indirectly through frustration and anger when your requirements aren’t being met?
And do it AFTER THE FACT?
Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are getting started, so you’re in sync from the get-go?
Think about it for a second…
I’ll give you more time because this one’s important…
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you. And he won’t be able to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or values. Sticking to your standards helps you show a man how happiness works for you.
RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS
After observing and studying how our minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.
When we’re in a negative situation with someone in our life, we’re there because we’re getting something out of it behind the scenes.
Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…
You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy.
Even though you’re not close at all.
Also known as “working it from the ‘friend zone'”.
So, for you, to get your needs met by getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you. After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front? Then you might end up feeling disappointment or loss. Or be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.
And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy that you’re “tolerating” and fighting with a man about.
If you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface.
But, you didn’t want to share it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt.
This may sound harsh, but you’ve got to be clear and direct with a man if what he’s doing is not up to par with where you need your partner to be. You have to show a man what a woman wants and needs because he probably wasn’t born knowing it like you were.
And, do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not him personally.
My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.
Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.
The funny thing is, that as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who does this in the right way.
Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her lifeand her world.
There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off center when her needs aren’t met.
Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.
It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to. A large percentage of the time, the man will stop communicating or go away for a short while.
But here’s the best part…
With the “good guys” that you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING happens…
They come back around.
And even better, they’ve done all the leg work themselves to be a better partner… in a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no matter how hard she tried.
From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free advice->