by Naomie Thompson
Once upon a time there was a little girl who just wanted her daddy to love her; and he did.
But not in the way she understood love.
She needed him to take an interest in her, spend time with her, compliment her, hear her, remember to pick her up and be there fully on her birthday.
At the same time in another place there was a little boy, who wanted to be a good boy for his mummy, he wanted her appreciation, her respect and trust but try as he might to win her approval, he felt criticized.
And somewhere deep down he decided that when shewas not happy it must be his fault.
It must be something he’d done wrong.
This little boy and girl grew up and each went out looking for the one who would give them what they feel they missed.
Both with the deeply held belief that they were somehow lacking, somehow bad inside, not quite good enough and all they needed to do was to meet someone who would make them feel good and whole.
And at the same time both believing that if anyone came too close they would see that they were indeed unlovable or not good enough.
Then Comes The Strange Dynamic:
Despite the greatest efforts they both attract the type of person who’s a reflection of how they feel about themselves.
They attract someone who ultimately treats them the way they treat themselves.
Someone who is unable to meet their true needs.
No one is going to treat you any better than you treat yourself.
But by changing your beliefs about yourself on the inside you’ll totally change the vibe you put out on the outside.
You’ll then start to attract the love and relationships that you really want, that will really satisfy you.
These negative beliefs we have are like a nasty voice shouting, “You’re not good enough! You’re not lovable! etc.”
We believe it, and we’re afraid that if anyone gets too close they’ll realize that we’re exactly that, not good enough, unlovable etc.
This voice comes from a belief we formed when we were little and we can turn it around.
This nasty voice wants us to stay small and safe and not reveal who we really are, but this is the opposite of safe. Keeping hidden is not safe. It becomes a habit and a habit can be changed.
How This Can Show Up In Our Relationships:
You may stay with a person who repeatedly cheats on you even when they’ve shown themselves to be untrustworthy.
The relationship keeps you both small and your partner doesn’t support you to be the best person you can be, to learn and grow, or they don’t want to learn and grow with you. He or she may be very critical and put you down.
You’re in an abusive relationship, this could be physical or emotional abuse. You may be keeping details of your relationship secret from family and friends out of shame.
You may feel that you can’t be yourself in the relationship. That you’re constantly changing who you are to fit what you think your partner wants you to be to gain their approval and acceptance.
You may find yourself being overly critical and resentful of your partner.
You may find that you withdraw. This may be physically, emotionally, sexually, or that you zone out when your partner talks to you as you get the nagging feeling that whatever you do you can’t make them happy.
A person who feels great about who they are is magnetic. Putting yourself first, making yourself and your wellbeing a high priority raises your value enormously, you’re setting the example for how others need to treat you if they want to be around you and in your life.
When you build yourself up and treat yourself with the utmost care and respect you’ll get that you’re worthy, special, deserving of great things.
Then you’ll automatically attract a mate who’ll be able to treat you this way, and you’ll naturally filter out those who are unable to treat you in the way you now feel you deserve.
The Question For Me Is How Can We Be Whole And Complete For Ourselves?
How can we end this relentless search for someone to complete us? Like we are somehow broken or incomplete.
In these modern times of marrying for love we choose a partner for our emotional security. We give our partners the job description of being our greatest lover, our best friend, our trusted confidant, our intellectual equal, our emotional support. There’s an endless list of needs that we’re expecting someone to fulfil.
So when they choose us we believe that we are all this to them. We are everything! We are the chosen one! We are indispensable. Our focus goes to our partner to meet our emotional needs and we assume that we must be the one to meet theirs.
When you meet your own needs, when you really look hard at what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship and what is no longer tolerable; a shift starts to happen in what you accept and what you believe you deserve.
When you start to ask yourself what you are dissatisfied with in your partner and how can you meet that need in yourself you gradually become empowered to change your experience of the relationship.
For example are you feeling neglected?
I would ask you, where are you neglecting yourself?
What can you do to treat yourself with the utmost care – Instead of waiting for your partner to do it?
If your complaint is “he never listens to me”, then I ask you, where in your life are you not listening to yourself and your deep needs?
This is about assuming full responsibility for your emotional well-being. This is you taking care of and accepting yourself. This is self love.
This kind of self love and self acceptance and taking full responsibility for ones emotional needs clears the way for the intimacy and connection that we all deeply desire.
With Love, Naomie