by Rori Raye
If you’re experiencing the man you want pulling away from you and the relationship instead of committing to you forever, and watching helplessly while the love you thought you had in the palm of your hand drifts away, like it was never even there, my heart just goes out to you – I know it’s excruciatingly painful.
It doesn’t matter what happened, or who made mistakes, or even if he’s the right man in the first place. It just plain HURTS. It feels like one more loss you just don’t want to have happen to you.
When it happened to me (I can think of at least 3 times when the pain was enough to send me into hiding for months and months without even a date – before I figured out what I’m sharing with you now), I was just stunned.
It was like one moment I was in heaven, and the next I was in hell. One moment he was loving me, the sex was fantastic, and the next, he was ignoring me. One moment he was kissing and hugging me and inviting me to weekend getaways, and the next he was clearly interested in another woman and flirting with her right in front of my face. And these were the NICE guys!
It hurt them to think they were hurting me. They allowed me to drag on our relationship as long as I wanted because – let’s face it – we woman are incredible. I was cute, good in bed, smart, talented, funny, loyal, nice….a good Girl Scout of a woman. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with me and sleep with me?
I never felt used, because they weren’t using me. They were there with me because it felt good to them when they were with me. But when they WEREN’T WITH ME, they were wherever they WANTED TO BE. And that could be any number of places, doing any number of things, and being with any number of people. And they never even cheated!
They never dated other women, because I was fine enough for now, and they didn’t want to rock the boat any more than I did. It was like a great, PRETEND relationship. Good for NOW.
And when I learned what I’m now teaching you, I could look back and SEE how I’d let that happen. I could see that he may have pulled the rug out from under me, but it was ME who’d put the rug down in the first place, and ME who’d put it over NOTHING but air. I’d ALWAYS been standing my pretend, IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP on thin air. My relationships were made of dreams. My head was in the clouds.
They were just men. They were in charge of themselves. I WAS IN CHARGE OF ME.
I beat myself up plenty for doing a “bad job” of being in charge of myself. And then, one day, instead of beating myself up yet another minute, another day, another month, I figured out how to take GOOD charge of myself. And now you can do it too – I believe in you.
All you need is the Tools, and then men (they’re everywhere, so that’s easy) to practice the Tools ON. You are already, right now, just by reading this letter, taking charge of your own life. Now let’s take your life where you want it to go!
Here’s a letter from “Confused,” who’s shocked by what’s happened to her wonderful relationship:
I dated this guy for 3 months and we had a blast. I finally met someone who was fun to be around and made me laugh. We discussed dating each other only and even talked about how we felt about each other. Then one day he quit calling.
When I finally heard from him several weeks later he told me he freaked out and shut down. He had feelings for me that were strong and hadn’t felt like this about anyone since his divorce 2 years ago.
I was hurt and angry because I too had strong feelings for him and couldn’t understand why this happened. He was the first guy since my divorce 4 years ago that gave me those feelings. I didn’t date for 3 years after the divorce until this last year.
I understand that he went through a bad divorce, which I did also, and I know about fears because at times I feel them too. However, we have remained friends and occasionally we will end up at the same place hanging out with mutual friends and we have sat and talked about what had happened and why.
He claims he still likes me but has a commitment issue. What I am confused about is he always keeps in touch by text, email or phone call. We both have 9 year olds who are friends. They spend the night at each other houses and run around together.
I do know I am the first female that he has dated that he has let come around his son. He is very protective of that area. I know there are still feelings between us when we see each other. It’s obvious and we even joke about it. We both have dated other people since.
Why does he keep in touch and where is this going? I am confused and don’t know what to do because I still really like this guy.
If you’ve ever been through this situation, or if you’re going through it now, let’s look at what seems to be Real in Confused’s relationship with this man, and what is most likely Imaginary – first, here’s what he’s saying: He claims he “likes her,” and that he has a “commitment issue.” The truth is, these are things men SAY.
Men are really easy – they actually say exactly the truth, but most of us women make it so hard on ourselves by trying to “interpret” what a man says on a “deeper level.” And most of the time, there ISN’T a DEEPER LEVEL. Most of the time it’s pretty superficial.
“I like you” can mean “I like you like I like my friends, and my dog, and my dad, and my aunt, and all those girls on TV and at church.” Even “I love you,” can mean “I love you like I love my mom and my best friend, and every girl I’ve ever dated – because I ‘care’ about you, and you’re a “nice” person who – well, why wouldn’t I love you?”
If he says “I’m IN love with you,” there’s a much higher chance he means the real deal, but it’s still only WORDS. Sometimes we get sucked in by a man’s words because on some level – we WANT to. We want to believe he means what we want to believe he means. And then we feel foolish when it turns out he never really meant what we thought he meant.
We think we have to do that, because, let’s face it, we women are SO much better at emotions and at “reading” people than men are. And we’re so much more compassionate and understanding about psychology that we instinctively look for DEEPER meanings. But a lot of the time, we make assumptions about what a man means because of our own low self-esteem.
“Confused” has another issue that’s making it even harder for her to see what this man is really saying to her – the part where his child and her child are friends, and she’s the first woman he’s let into his home and around his child.
It sounds really impressive, doesn’t it? That he trusts her around his son? But let’s look at it in reverse – what would you do if a man you dated had a child who was a friend of your child’s? Or a relative or friend who was a close friend of yours? Wouldn’t you do your level best to be “friends” with him, no matter what happened between you or how you felt? And we already know he’s a “good guy,” so he doesn’t want to upset you or lose you from his life.
And here we come to the key point in this eLetter: A MAN DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE A GOOD WOMAN FROM HIS LIFE. He may not be in love with her, but he doesn’t want to lose her. That’s why after a break-up men will text you, call you, come around, leave you all kinds of confusing and provocative messages – because he doesn’t want to lose you from his life. He doesn’t want to do what he has to do to KEEP a good woman – which is to MARRY HER, but he doesn’t want to lose her.
So he tries to split the difference. He does as much as he has to do to not lose you, without going over the edge and having to do what he has to do in order to keep you. And that, in a nutshell, is why a man is so confusing when he tries to stay in touch with us, even when the “relationship” doesn’t seem to be happening at all. He’s not trying to get back together with us. He’s just trying to not lose us from his life. UNTIL he meets a woman he feels compelled to KEEP by MARRYING HER.
And if that’s ever happened to you – where a man tries not to lose you, and then, the next minute he’s engaged to someone else, then you know how totally mystifying and humiliating it feels. (I don’t know a single woman to whom that hasn’t happened, so if it’s happened to you, you’ve done that one for the rest of your life and you don’t ever have to experience it again.)
Now YOU can be the one he feels compelled to KEEP. Really. If it happened for me, it can happen for you.
The third thing that’s working against Confused is the “hanging on and hanging in” part. See how she’s thinking that the feelings they have for each other, and the fellowship of having children who are friends, and the fun they had actually MEANS something in the long run? And it doesn’t.
Men can have all kinds of feelings. And they understand practically NONE of them. And so WE try to figure them out FOR THEM. Only we interpret a man’s feelings the way we would if he were a woman – and men are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. And sometimes – Confused, this is tough love, so I understand if you don’t want to read further, but I truly want to be the friend you need right now, the one who tells you the truth instead of just what you want to hear.
Most of your friends will tell you the man has subconscious problems or that he’s clueless. I want to tell you something else. Anytime you try to read into a man’s heart, you’ll lose. Anytime you try to “understand” the pain of his divorce, or the pressure of his job, or the drag of his ex-wife, or the importance of time spent with his children, you will most likely be shooting yourself in the foot. Anytime you try to figure out his feelings for you means something is not right. Anytime you try to guess what’s going on you will probably be wrong.
All you can count on is what’s right in front of you. If he’s there, with you, then he wants to be with you. If he SAYS he wants to be with you, but, still, he ISN’T, then he doesn’t want to be with you, no matter what he says.
So here’s how you can TURN ALL THIS AROUND: THE FASTEST, SUREST WAY TO ANY MAN’S HEART IS TO IGNORE HIM. And by “ignore” him, I mean take your FOCUS OFF of him.
And the fastest way to truly ignore him rather than just PRETEND to ignore him (because that will not work – it has to be REAL) is to have the biggest, fullest, most amazing, unpredictable, fun, thrilling, sexy life you can imagine, with so many men around you that you feel your choices are infinite, and to LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT!
In other words, if a man wants into your fantastic life, to be a part of it, he has to elbow his way in. He has to fight off other men, book your time, and follow through. And in return, he gets to be CLOSE to you – the warm, open, soft, inviting, lovely, strong, POWERFUL YOU who turned him on in the first place, and who he KNOWS he will do WHATEVER HE CAN TO COMMIT to fully, so that he can stay turned on by you – forever.
“Confused” truly has all the hope in the world. She had a great 3 months with a terrific man who still feels turned on by her. If she gets her focus squarely on herself and OFF OF HIM, and stops wasting time even bothering to be “friendly” with him more than just dropping off and picking up her child and smiling – not only will she INTRIGUE this man, she’ll get to choose between the many, many new men who’ll be lining up for time – and a future – with her.
Here’s a wonderful success story from “Married And Happy”:
I had been in a six-year relationship with a “player.” I was the most confused, anxious, tense, woman on earth. You helped me in so many ways. I read all of your letters and your books and CDs and passed them on. I followed your Internet dating advice, and began dating four men at one time, no sex.
I received a marriage proposal about four months later, from one of these guys, and have been married now for three months! I thank you so much for your help.
I am no ‘baby’ – I’m fifty-one years old. But, men play the same games at any age. I just needed the confidence in myself again, to step out, let go, and do what I had not done in the past. That was to open myself up to more than one experience at a time, and to finally realize that it was not all me.
Thanks again for all your help.
“Married And Happy”
From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters