Did you know that science has proven what works in relationships?

by Carol Allen

No kidding.

Researchers have studied couples in a lab setting and analyzed exactly what keeps two people together, and what breaks them apart.

And the results they’ve discovered have stood up to the tests of scientific scrutiny…

If a couple stays together or not is reliable and predictable time and again, just by observing if they have certain dynamics and behaviors or not…

They’re so reliable, in fact, that the researchers are RIGHT about whether or not a couple will divorce or stay married – a whopping 91% of the time.

The amazing part? They can do this just by watching them have ONE fifteen minute conversation…

If you’d like to know the secret to making love last – it’s simple.

And it’s something you’ve been good at since, like, kindergarten.

And it doesn’t just work in romantic relationships – it works in ALL relationships.

It’s all about being FRIENDS FIRST…

And by “first” I don’t mean to start off as friends.

I mean, make your friendship the most important thing between you, no matter who the other person is to you.

Now – I have a confession to make.

I lied. I said this was simple. It’s not.

Why not?

Because when you’re friends first and foremost – you take your own selfish agenda OUT of the equation.

So, instead of thinking, “But what about ME?!” You think, “This is my friend. I want for him whatever it is HE wants for himself.”

No matter what it is.

Even if he wants to quit the job he hates (you know – the one that pays YOUR bills), or pursue a hobby that doesn’t include you, or follow a dream you don’t believe in but is dear to him…

Gulp.

I told you it wasn’t easy…

We can do this for our friends, no problem.

When they want to move to some far-flung country, and leave the stability they’ve built, we say, “Do it – you’ve always wanted to live in Zimbabwe and save baby elephants…”

But when it’s the person you’re MOST attached to – instead of being able to so much as HEAR what he wants and how much it matters to him, all you can hear is the voice screaming in your head…

“But what about ME?!”

You see, once you’re romantically attached to a man, you can’t help but have a selfish expectation of how he’s going to live his life, and where you fit into it all.

So, it can be very difficult to ZOOM OUT and see things from a bigger perspective than your own point of view.

But you must…

Or you’ll just push him away, or make him feel that he can’t have what he wants, or that he can’t be happy with you.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

I’m married to a wonderful man.

We’re very happy…

And – we’re very different.

And he needs lots of freedom and time alone.

He needs tons of time in nature.

And he needs lots of space to “roam around.”

The problem? We live in a big city where this is pretty much impossible…

One thing that’s interesting about this, is that in Vedic astrology, the constellation he is born under is all about all of that.

It’s symbolized by a horse – and I’m sure you know, the horse is a nomadic animal that lives in nature (before they were tamed, that is), and “roams” around.

So – how does this show up in our life together?

Every few months my husband gets itchy hooves…I mean, feet.

He has to go somewhere.

And he has to go somewhere with wide open spaces.

Or he starts to “chomp at the bit.”

Literally. :)

So what do I do?

I open the “barn” door and let him go…

I let him go camping alone, or drive to his favorite place a couple of states away and stay with friends.

I hold down the fort, and take over his chores, and his burdens, and give up my own selfish needs for a few days (and sometimes even weeks).

I don’t say, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t go anywhere… If you cared about ME, you’d stay home with me ALL THE TIME…”

Now, am I a saint?

No.

I just know who I married.

And I know this is just who he is.

And by letting him do his own thing, I’m being a good friend to him.

And, as a result, I’m being the best wife he could want.

So what does he do while he’s gone?

He calls me constantly, all mushy and sweet.

He feels CLOSER TO ME by being away.

He feels so grateful to be able to be so fully himself, and so fully supported, that his heart just opens and practically bursts with love for me.

I’m not kidding.

It’s so great.

I can hear it over the phone. And I get to feel it when he comes back…

Ahhh…

Okay, I’ll stop bragging about my marriage now.

Not only is it sometimes hard to support a man in being fully who he is – you’ll get static from the other people in your life for doing so.

When my husband goes away, lots of my friends don’t get it.

They’ll say, “Hmmmph! That’s not cool that he leaves you holding the bag…”

(What “bag” they mean, I don’t know…)

Or, “Doesn’t he know married men can’t just go off by themselves?”

(Where they read that “rule” is beyond me. Of course, these friends are all single…)

Or, “Don’t you worry who he’s WITH when he’s away?” implying my husband isn’t honorable.

(Let’s just say I’m no longer friends with THAT friend…)

Let me give you another example…

I saw an awards show on television once on which the late comedian George Carlin won an award.

When he approached the microphone to make his acceptance speech, he told a beautiful story.

He said that years before he and his wife had finally “made it.”

He’d reached a level of success with his work that allowed them to buy a beautiful home and “settle down” after years and years on the road.

Just as the paint had dried, and the furniture had all been put in place, he went to his wife distraught.

He realized that the kind of comedy he’d been doing wasn’t making him happy, and that he wanted to try a whole new kind of material.

The problem?

It would be a gamble, and it would require going back on the road.

It would mean making a lot less money.

And it would mean (gasp!) giving up the new house, and the new life of ease.

So, what did his wife do?

Did she freak out?

Did she throw a fit?

Did she drop to the floor of their new living room and flail her arms and legs?

No.

She remembered who she was married to.

And she looked him in the eye, and said, “I’ll go write a new press release…”

And he took his career in a whole new direction.

And was more successful than ever.

And though HE was the creative genius, there he was on national television giving HER all the credit.

And they had one of the longest, most successful “Hollywood” marriages ever.

So the next time the man in your life wants something, ask yourself, “What would his BEST friend say?”

And try saying THAT.

Does it mean you’ll lose him?

Or that you won’t be able to get your needs met, too?

Or that you’ll be an object of concern and pity in the eyes of your friends?

Maybe…

But it might just mean something else – it might draw you closer than you ever thought possible – forever.

You just have to know how.

Now, if you have nothing but the best of intentions, but find you can’t seem to stay centered and peaceful enough with a man to be this kind of friend, or “special” friend to him, it may just be that you’re not compatible with him.

It’s sooo hard to support a man if he isn’t the right man for you.

So, run a “Right Man Report” – an overview of your astrological compatibility together – and find out if you and a man have enough fundamental agreement and mutual comfort to make such sacrifices worthwhile, and easy.

You see, when a man is the right man, the things that before seemed crazy (like letting him do what he wants, even when it involves great sacrifice from you), now won’t be.

But if you’re not compatible with a man, you won’t understand him, and won’t feel that basic peace and connection to him that allows you to trust and feel secure enough to be the best you can be, no matter what.

So find out more, or learn all of this incredible information for yourself now:

And may God and his planets and stars shower you with love!

attractionCarol Allen has counseled thousands of people in the areas of relationships, finances, career, health, real estate, travel, and conception and is a lifetime member of The American Council of Vedic Astrology. For two decades she’s counseled clients in the area of compatibility and relationships. Click here to order your “Right Man Report” – Your compatibility with a man and the very destiny of your relationship is written in the stars.

15 Comments

  1. Melissa on March 4, 2009 at 12:49 am

    This article is RIGHT ON! When I read articles like this it makes my last 8 month relationship fall into perspective. As you have said in your article “when he is not the right man you will not understand him” this is right. I tried to be his friend and understand and do what was best for him, it took sometime to figure out we just weren’t meant to be. More articles should be published like this, showing women and men everywhere that friendship should be foremost. Many articles don’t support that theoligy. Thank you for saying it like it is!



  2. nora on March 4, 2009 at 8:54 am

    This is soooooo true. If more women would understand this, there would be alot more happier women out there. I know from experience. When I first married my husband, he was still in his “wild child” stage. He liked to go out with the guys, hang out and come home late. Well of course, I took the advice of every other married woman I knew and tried to curb this in the butt. Wrong! I was complaining about how he never spent time with ME, though, you know, we do live in the same house, we saw each other all the time, duh. I was being selfish. He would come straight home after work when I told him I didn’t want him to go out with the guys, but he spent the whole night brooding and being miserable, and making me miserable too! So finally, I decided, this wasn’t working. Let him go, do “guy stuff”. This is what he likes to do. It’s not like he goes out everynight till midnight drinking and running around. He likes to go hang out with a few of his friends after work and just relax you know. So you know what happened then? He started calling me every half hour for the whole two or three hours he was out with the guys, making sure I was ok, did I need him to bring something home? I got play by play updates on what he was doing, how many beers he had, if he was driving home or someone else was bringing him, who was there etc. and I didn’t even ask! He actually started cutting his time out shorter, instead of staying out till 9 or 10 after getting off work at 3, he now comes home at 5, maybe 6, after hes called 4 times, appologized for leaving me out of his “fun” and telling me how much he loves me. He even brags to his friends about how his wife doesn’t put a choke collar on him. Am I worried about him picking up women? nope, if he wanted to do that, he would have stayed single. Am I worried about what hes’ doing? nope, never have been. He’s as happy as he was when we first started dating and he treats me like a queen! All because I let him have his space. So many women feel like they have to bound and gag their guy after they nab him. Thing is, if he didn’t want you, he would’nt be with you in the first place. If it makes him happy to do stuff without you once in a while, let him. He will certainly return the favor. Women need time away once in a while too. It’s about respecting each others personal boundaries, their needs and their expectations. I can’t say how much I actually enjoy the few hours when he’s away and I have time to myself as well, I endulge in a nice long bath, or work on my hobby, and am quite satisfied that my man is happy, and so am I. We communicate better than ever, because he knows I am not going to condemn him for not wanting to be my puppy dog all the time.



  3. Erika on March 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Carol,

    I really enjoyed this article. Especially after just seeing a bunch of fear-based articles about relationships on the internet, this one feels so … relaxed :-)

    It’s about unconditional love, right? We honor other people’s dreams and intuitions just as we honor our own, and we trust a higher order to sort out who’s going to be with whom long term. What could be more relaxing than that kind of love and that kind of faith?

    As for a guy doing things on his own, well, to me that kind of coming and going only adds fire and passion to a relationship. If he and I are constantly renewing ourselves by engaging in our respective passions, we’re going to feel all that more connected when we come back together again.

    So thanks for a refreshing read. I needed that just now :-)

    Love,
    Erika



  4. Rhianna on March 5, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    This is a really interesting concept. It is amazing that researchers can predict a couples staying power through one simple fifteen minute conversation. It does seem that those who are friend first and foremost stay together longer. After all, the lust feelings will wear off after awhile, and then what do you have but friendship?



  5. kasey on March 10, 2009 at 6:47 am

    I enjoyed reading the article above and feel now i have realised were i have always gone wrong with men.
    I have many friends and even though it can be hard sometimes to keep in touch with the closest friends due to work commitments.I do.
    But i have felt i have always become friends with the men i’ve dated when its been too late and they have dissapeared.
    But still send sms now and again to see how you are.
    Now i’m going to use this technique to see if it works and my relationships will last longer .
    Thanks for the tips .



  6. Anon on May 6, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    I like the idea of friendship first. However, the compatibility advice is wrong. Compare it to Marriage Fitness program with Mort Fertel. If you’re married, you married the right person, you just need some fixing to repair your relationship.



  7. Editor on May 7, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Thank you, “Anon” for your insightful comment. I love Mort (he’s on this site all over the place) – and I love the way you put it…If you’re married, you married the right person. I know Carol as well, and I know she would say the same thing…once you’re married it’s all about enriching and often repairing. But I love reading her stuff, too, because often we don’t look at things that basically would be “incompatible” – like different core values around children and finances and sex and communication, for instance – and we just leap into relationships based on chemistry. Chemistry and compatibility are two different things, I think – I’d love to hear more from you around this…perhaps we can discuss, and I know everyone would be interested in responding to your take on the details of how to choose and to be in a relationship. Thanks, Sarah



  8. faisal on August 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    First of all, i love the article so much. Eventhough, i visualize the article from my side (well, i am a 23 years man). I am truely fall in love with one girl. We having communication for last 2 months and i really feel her from heart. But he always appears to me to be just a friend. WEll. her logic is he is so fedup about her past relationship that she wants to make her feel confident about any new relationship. Last time i sent her a morning card with some of my own words and mostly she dislikes me and tried to write some hard word. After that , i apologize and make her understood that i am sorry. Honestly speaking, i dont know why i am sorry for and i still really love her so much. I dont understand her so well, but she cares me much. Almost every morning she replied to me and we talk couple of times in skepe during the week. In her last mail, she wrote clearly that she really likes me so much and care me so much but just as an friend. I think i understood the thing that she might likely to know me better and she is needing time to make things clear. But as this is my true first love i cant control myself. Though i always treated her with politenes (as i am usual) but sometimes getting really hard for me when she just think me just as a friend. And now a days i am really depressed cause i always think of her and sort of feel her. Notice that , she lives in another country and i am living different. Probably she is coming to my country after two weeks for her bachelor studies. SO pls pls help me to get rid of think painfull sorrow and tell me some solution.



  9. chyrstal on October 23, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I thank you for posting this cause you just saved my relationship. I’m a person that needs to be around someone to feel wanted..but after today I see that mite have been the problem with the one in I’m now…he like his alone time and I would get upset when he wouldn’t want to talk to me..but now I have a new look on this relationship and again I thank you…wish me the best



  10. Christine on November 6, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Ohh my goodness! This article was AMAZING! It makes so much sense! I totally am bookmarking this for reference in the future; thanks for publishing such a helpful article! It’s made my day shine bright :D



  11. sdfaneabd on November 10, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    this article has great points, but i think there should always be a balance in a relationship. it almost seems like you’re saying let your man walk all over you. i’m not saying women should be control freaks, but the things you’ve said in this article are unrealistic if you are with a man that is very controlling. and also how a relationship goes is not solely based on one person. people get worn out of understanding and understanding and giving and giving. but yes, i do agree with the basic idea of treating him like a friend.



  12. Michelle on January 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I used to agree with all of this, but what happens if the husband never ever ever reciprocates? For the first three years of marriage, my husband would announce something that he wanted and we worked together to ensure he got it. I would announce something I wanted, and he would always say, “When I get a new job,” or “After we pay off my motorcycle,” etc. I was driving a beat up car with no heat. He was driving a not-as-beat-up car. I wanted a newer car (with heat). He wanted a motorcycle. We bought a motorcycle. I still wanted a car. He wanted a truck. We bought a truck. After three years of me waiting and him getting, I got fed up and started being more forceful. He’d announce he wanted a tattoo (even though I’d been waiting months to get a new coat without holes in it) and I told him that I’d agree to the tattoo as soon as I got the new coat that he said we didn’t have the extra $70 for. He went ahead and got the tattoo any way.

    So what do I do with this?



  13. Michelle on January 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I just wanted to add that we both work. I work 40 hours a week all year, and he works about 70 hours a week for about 3 months a year. At the end of the year, I’ve earned around $27,000 and he’s earned about $32,000 so he doesn’t actually earn that much more than I do, and we depend on my income to make ends meet throughout the year. When he finally works, he acts like he’s making all of the money, so he should be able to buy himself whatever he wants. I feel like I am taking care of us, so when there is extra it should be shared.



  14. cldl on April 11, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    This article is so HELPFUL.,made me realized i have been selfish for a long time,. and NORA,.thanks for your comment,,.It’s very nice,.



  15. Michelle on April 24, 2018 at 11:30 am

    I disagree…a man should treat you amazing at all times or hes out..Sad that women like you believe in space..you want space go to the moon….im not controlling or a gatekeeper but any time a man changed on me i let him go pronto..tooo many fish in the sea for this girl!



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