by Todd Creager
Passionate marriages do not just happen. They have to be created.
Our forefathers and fore mothers did not teach us how to have alive, passionate relationships with our spouses. This is new territory and we have to be trailblazers creating new patterns in relationships that set the stage for greater desire and increased connection. Here are seven bullet statements of what it takes to create such a relationship.
1) You need to see your partner in the best possible light. He or she even at their worst moments are not intentionally trying to hurt you, but rather trying to protect him or herself from some real or imagined threat.
2) Learn how to deal with pain as a team. Develop the muscle to listen to your partner on a consistent basis even if what she says evokes discomfort in you.
3) Create a lifestyle that allows for a minimum of 10 minutes a day of intimate time, more specifically- time when you can look at each other, share FEELINGS, DESIRES, DREAMS AMD OTHER DEEP STUFF (as opposed to facts, small talk), loving touch without the goal of intercourse (Intercourse is absolutely fine.; it is just not part of these 10 minutes). This 10 minute
a day rule is so crucial and yet it is where most couples resist and fail and wonder why they cannot have the relationship they want with their partner.
4) If you are a giving type person, work on your ability to receive, if you are a taking type person, work on your ability to be thoughtful and giving to your mate. Receiving involves allowing yourself to be given love, compliments, kind
words, soft touch, etc. Giving includes asking yourself, ‘How can I nourish my partner?’
5) Risk! Do something different. Say something different. Think something different. If you have never written a love poem, go write a sincerely felt, badly written love poem. If you are not very expressive, express to your partner how much she means to you and how much you appreciate her. If you are sexually inhibited, do something sexually that
is outside your comfort zone- not necessarily too outside your comfort zone – but a little outside your comfort zone.
6) Risk again! And again! You can rest in between risks. Think about it. When you first met your partner, everything was a risk and felt like a risk. That was probably when libido was very high. Why do you think having a safe and routine relationship would give you the same results as ‘the good old days?’ The only way to get those feelings back from the good old days is to create a more adventurous risk-taking environment which would more closely resemble those exciting early days of your relationship.
7) Do not wait for your partner to initiate anything. YOU need to be the courageous one. That will unbalance the relationship and ultimately you will be pulling your partner right out of her comfort zone as well. It takes two to tango, but it takes just one to get things going.
From Sarah: Todd Creager is fantastic – an accomplished Speaker, Therapist, Consultant and Author. His advice is both insightful and practical. You can find much more at his Center for Successful Relationships