by Rori Raye
The relationship and love and self-love instructions and advice we get from nearly every love and relationship expert (including me) have all been pretty clear.
The advice says: Do this, do that, try this, try that….
And yet….why don’t we do those things?
An example…Open your heart, welcome a man in, take off your clothes and dance….
So much great advice.
But we resist. (“But” is a clue we’re resisting.)
I know – because I can feel MYSELF resisting…
I can feel myself having expectations.
That I shouldn’t HAVE to do this because HE should do it.
I can feel anger. It gets in the way, and I can feel it freezing my heart.
And Here’s How To “Do” What Works In A Relationship – Even With The Expectations And The Anger:
1. Speak your expectations out loud, or onto paper.
Hear yourself say the words, read what you’re “thinking.”
2. Feel your anger and resentment the moment you hear and read the words that are in your head.
Really allow yourself to feel it all.
3. Now STOP.
This is the place where you usually (if you’re like me and most women) go down the WRONG road.
This is where you start tensing up and feeling confused about what to do, and start bouncing around with ideas – ideas of revenge, of walking away, of angry speeches, of good speeches spoken correctly with my “Feeling Message” Tool about your needs not being met, of wanting to scream with frustration…all kinds of “doings.”
This is where you start to “try” to “figure things out.”
This is where, if you’re alert and are working to be more aware – you’ll notice all the different ways you could “perceive” the situation: “He’s angry, he’s tired, he’s depressed, I did something wrong, we’re not well matched….”
…and as you go through all these possible “meanings” and “perceptions” about what’s going on with him and with you and with the relationship – and all the different feelings you feel and all the different things you want to “do” – you’ll notice what’s operating here: your mind.
You’ll notice that you’re trying to solve the problem in a much more “conscious” way – of looking at all the possibilities instead of just the one road you usually travel down.
Now – does that help?
Sort of – but it doesn’t solve the problem you’re yearning to solve – What do I do now? What do I say now?
The reason I said STOP was that as long as you’re looking for the What do I do now? What do I say now? – you’ll be stuck in your mind. So…
4. Ask yourself this – what if I just dropped down inside myself, below the place where I’m trying to figure this out (and heroically trying to figure it out, so brava for that!), and I just forgave myself for everything and anything around all this thinking?
What if I just laid a thick, yummy spread of compassion for me around my heart?
What if I opened up to all this forgiveness and compassion and just, well…sat here (or stood here, or walked here) with it?
And what would it feel like if I didn’t TRY at all?
What if nothing I thought of perceiving or thinking or doing actually means anything?
What if it doesn’t even matter?
5. Now…focus on your body.
Really track everything in your body for tension and holding, and let it drop away. Soothe it all with compassion and love for every fiber of you.
Track how the tension comes and goes, how it suddenly reappears, how it feels when it dissolves – if even for a moment.
Get familiar with how your body is reacting to what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, and the work you’re doing in these first 4 steps.
Get familiar with what happens when one part lets go and relaxes. Get familiar with the feeling of “being moved” that shows up – and get familiar with what happens when you start to “label” the “moved feeling” as “sadness” or “upset” or “anger” or anything at all.
Get familiar with what happens when you find yourself in this LIMBO place of constant forgiveness, compassion, and attention to your body.
If you feel confused and at sea and all in disarray – great!
6. Disarray is the start of your new life.
We have this idea that all the pieces are supposed to be in place.
That happiness is a “finished puzzle.” Done, glued, varnished, framed…