by Orna and Matthew Walters
Here’s a great question from Heather, who’s struggling with intense drama and pain in her relationship with her husband :
“I got married young, and after I got married my husband stopped giving me any sort of affection or compliments. So, I started talking to male friends, fishing for compliments. I realize it was a big mistake and at one point I lied to a guy and said that I wanted to “hook up” to see if he thought I was sexy enough for him to be…sexually attracted.
My husband says that he has fallen out of love with me. But he still calls me when he needs someone to talk to. I try to tell him that I’d like to fix things and that I’ll do anything to fix what I’ve done. He either laughs in my face or tells me to shut up. He is hurting me so badly, and I still only want him. We are both very young and have a young child who lives with me. He has been living his…party lifestyle the past few months and keeps saying he doesnt know if he wants to fix things or not. I dont think I can handle just sitting here waiting hoping that he will decide to try and fix things. All in all…I need help.”
I don’t know how to deal with this situation, and I don’t know if I should let him keep me waiting, or should I get him to choose?
Orna and Matthew’s Answer:
We are truly sorry to hear about all the pain that you’re in and we want you to know that asking for support is a great step toward healing yourself and moving on.
This Is Not About Your Husband
This is about you as the only person you have control over is you.
You have given your husband all of the power in this situation. It is not about getting him to choose.
It is about discovering what you truly desire. When we are young and get into a relationship, we can get into it for the wrong reasons. It may feel overwhelming to imagine what you truly desire in relationship, but it is important for you to explore what your ideal relationship would look like, function and most importantly how you will feel when you are in it.
You acted out because you felt unwanted and unattractive in this relationship. Is it important for you to feel attractive and desired by your man?
If it is, and your husband is unable to give that to you – then perhaps he’s not the right man for you.
What else is important to you in a relationship?
Do you want to be in a partnership or do you want the man to be in control?
Do you desire to feel respected by your partner?
Take some time to write a list of what is important to you in relationship. Create a vision of your ideal relationship. How would it look? How would it feel? How would you interact with your partner? Once you’ve created this vision, look at your current relationship and ask yourself if this relationship fits your desires.
You may find that after doing this you still want to repair your marriage. If that is so, then it is important for you to:
Share the Vision of What You Desire with Your Husband
See if what he desires is in alignment with what you desire.
Having a common vision or a common goal is the key to a long lasting, happy marriage.
It is also important to be sexually attracted to each other and have a healthy sex life. It will get you through many rough spots.
We Suggest That You “Date to Discover.”
Start dating men and use the dating process to discover things about yourself.
Pay attention to your inner dialog (what you are saying to yourself about yourself) and notice how things are different when you are out with a man you are attracted to versus when you are not.
We suggest dating several men at a time, and if you wish to include your husband in this process that would be okay as long as you do not attach yourself to any expectations from him. The only person you can work on is you.
During the dating process begin to use feeling statements to express your full range of emotions as you experience them. This is a great way to consciously teach these men how to treat you as you express things that you enjoy and make you feel good as well as expressing your emotions when they are “negative.”
The dating process can be very healing when you take the focus off of finding the “right husband” and simply look within and discover yourself in a whole new way.
Love, Orna and Matthew
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the real deal – the only couple we know who walk their talk and get incredible results helping women go past their fears, upsets, old patterns and emotional pain to a real, true, lifelong relationship. If you’re unhappy with the way you and your husband or ex-husband are working romantically – if you want him back or are trying to move on – you’ll want to check out their program Get Your Mr. Right. It will work for you no matter what your situation, and help you find the Mr. Right of your dreams who may be just around the corner, or discover that your Mr. Right is actually your husband->