Are you struggling with this big relationship question, “Is this MY “the one?”
When I look back to the time when I was struggling with the deep seated fear I had around porn, wondering if this was something I could live with even if nothing ever changed around it, I had to ask myself this important question.
If you are at all unsure, then I would suggest first of all getting yourself a beautiful journal, or if you are so a computer girl, then start a private blog for yourself, one that only YOU can access, and make it look and feel good to you.
Write out the answers to the following:
- Who is this man to you? Meaning what role does he play in your life? How important is this role? Does he add to your life? Or does he make your life more difficult?
- How does he feel to you? Does he make you smile more than he makes you frown? Do you mostly feel good in his presence, relaxed and/or excited? Or do you feel scared and tense? Does he make your heart pitter patter?
- What does he do for you? And I don’t necessarily mean action though this can be included.
- Does he enrich your life? How?
- How does all the wonderful in him compare to all that is maybe not so wonderful? Does one outweigh the other?
In my man’s case aside from his enjoyment of porn which for many women is SO not a big deal, there were no other negatives in this man; there were no other red flags. Yes there had been little things along the way that sorted themselves out, as we got to know each other better and learned how to be together as a couple, how to complement our styles.
It’s a little like having growing pains. A learning curve in how best to mesh. Asking one relationship question at a time and getting the answers one at a time.
Porn was the first thing to come up that really shook me, but aside from that, there was nothing else. For the most part I could easily answer YES to this question. In many ways he EXCEEDED my dreams of MY “the one”.
So how do you find the answer to this big relationship question?
Is it worth KEEPING your man?
Whatever your issue is, after having answered your relationship question above, you have to decide first and foremost if this “thing” is a deal breaker. If it is, there’s nothing more to say. If it’s not, then you have some healing to do within yourself.
* Talk to someone you trust, such as a coach or a therapist or even a dear friend. This person will be indispensable, infinitely patient with you, hold your hand through what could be a very painful part of your processing.
* Write in your journal A LOT, your processing, your pain, your breakthroughs, and continually answer each relationship question that comes up for you.
* Keep asking yourself if this is something you can learn to live with.
~ Does it interfere with your life? With his life? With you as a couple?
~ If it does, how seriously? Enough to reject him over?
* Keep asking yourself if this man loves you. Unconditionally?
* Keep asking yourself:
~ Is he mostly kind, warm, and caring?
~ Is he generous with his time and in any other ways?
~ Is he patient?
~ Is he considerate? Sweet to you? Affectionate with you? Passionate with you.
~ Does he allow you freedom? To be uniquely you?
~ Does he wrap you in his arms when you “come home”?
~ Does he neglect you in any way?