by Bob Grant
When it comes to fighting and disagreeing with a man in a relationship, women frequently make a critical mistake which ends up causing them to feel hurt and lonely.
Here is the scenario that typically happens.
During a routine conversation there is a disagreement between the woman and her husband/boyfriend. It starts out in a logical manner with two competent speaking adults simply talking about a problem or disagreement.
Then at some point in the discussion that woman gets her feelings hurt and responds in an emotional manner. All of a sudden the entire dynamic of the conversation has changed and the man feels he has been betrayed.
Man’s Business World vs. Woman’s Relationship World
While the discussion was logical and factual, it had the similar feel of a business meeting where everyone has the sole goal of finding the answer to the problem. No one would dare interject their feelings into such a discussion for fear they would be viewed has weak and childish.
In the business world, accomplishing the task is the primary goal, not making everyone feel good. This is how a man views a discussion that is logical and factual. He believes that if her idea is so good then she should be able to prove it. “She wants to prove her point so I’ll prove mine. May the best man win,” is how he thinks and has no idea that what she might really want is just to be heard or understood.
When women interject their feelings into a discussion that has become competitive, it makes men feel as though they are being blamed for being logical which often causes them to react in anger in an attempt to defend themselves.
He has been blind sided by the one thing that makes him feel powerless, her feelings. She tricked him by pretending to be strong only to pull the feelings card out when she was starting to loose the argument so now he feels entitled to punish her. That really is how most men think in that scenario.
Arguing in Your Relationship
Women, a practical rule when arguing a point in a relationship is that if you want to debate, prove or compete with your boyfriend/husband then stay in that role throughout the discussion.
If you want to be understood, then relate to him by sharing how you feel about the subject. Don’t switch to becoming a soft, feeling and vulnerable woman after you have presented yourself to be tough. All that will do is encourage him not to discuss things with you in the future.
Most of the time I would suggest that you start off softly by speaking to him about how you feel concerning the issue so he can recognize your feelings which will signal to him that you are not trying to be competitive.
On the occasions you do need to prove your point, hold your ground regardless of how you feel. Remember it doesn’t matter as much which way you relate to him, the most important thing you can do is not to combine the two.
From Sarah: Bob is known as “The Relationship Doctor.” He is a professional counselor, therapist and relationship coach particularly experienced in helping women to understand men and find fulfilling relationships and make their marriages incredibly close and powerful. Find more about What Husbands Can’t Resist in a relationship–>