Have you ever found yourself WAITING around for a man? Waiting for him to call, waiting for him to say he loves you, waiting for him to book you up on a Saturday night, waiting for a lifetime commitment?
If you’ve ever felt desperate at that moment, absolutely helpless because you can’t get him to commit, you’re not alone. Some of us have waited evenings, watching television and hoping a man would call. Some of us have waited years for the engagement ring to show up.
So, how long is too long to wait for a commitment from a man?
In the relationships I had that lasted more than a few dates or a few months, I remember waiting more than a year, only to learn there was no “real” relationship to begin with.
I remember hearing a man say things like “I’m not ready,” and just ignoring the words I was hearing.
I don’t much want to remember the nights when he never called, the weekends when I knew he was with “old friends” who I was sure were women he’d once been with. I don’t want to remember wondering why exactly I was waiting for him, but I do.I remember pushing those doubts and thoughts right out of my head.
I remember feeling so tied to him emotionally, sexually, chemically and every other way that I made excuses for him when I couldn’t get him to commit.
And I remember that I wasn’t the only one I knew waiting around for a man, unable to get him to commit. I remember my close girlfriend waiting two years for a man she was with. I remember another girlfriend waiting eight years, trying to get him to commit.
None of us got those men we were waiting for, but later, all of us found good men and married them easily, without ever waiting for them at all!
On the other side, I have a friend who stayed with her man for 5 years before he proposed. She got her man, and she’s very happy.
So what makes the difference?
How Do You Know If You Can Get Him to Commit or If You Should Start Fresh?
Here’s a letter from “Jennie”:
“Dear Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 7 yrs. and have read many books, but it’s your book that has helped me the most. I have been trying to get my boyfriend to move ahead some in our relationship.
I am committed to this man and this relationship, but at times I feel he is the one who has one foot in and one foot out. I have been slowly adding in your tools, and I have seen a change and your tools have worked for me. The Leanback works great and worked right away.
But, I’m wanting a full commitment from him, and I’m unsure how to go about it. We have talked in the past but I feel I am the only one who wants it, I am the only one pushing for it, so I have been working with your tools to change how I approach all this.
Is there a faster way to a commitment? And if so, what can I work on to get him to move forward in our relationship? Please help me – 7 yrs is along time! Jennie”
***Dear Jennie, You don’t say whether you are living together, or if marriage has ever come up. So I’ll answer this in general terms.
Relationships move forward. They move along down the road – from dating to exclusivity, to engagement, to marriage. If they don’t move forward, they stall.
At seven years, you are stalled.
My guess is, he doesn’t want to lose you. But the question I have for you is – if you don’t get him to commit, will you leave?
Before you can speak from your heart at all, before you can even talk about commitment with him, you have to at least be able to talk to yourself about it.
You don’t have to leave when you don’t get him to commit, but you have to BE ABLE TO.
And then – you have not just one choice, or two – but you have many, many choices.
All of a sudden, you can MAKE choices.
You’ll stop feeling helpless and desperate and angry, and start feeling powerful. Which you are. Very powerful.
This is what my friend who stayed with her man 5 years before he proposed was able to do.
She was able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.
She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation about trying to get him to commit.
He just, finally, realized he wanted to love a woman and be loved by a woman, and he finally realized that it was her.
He always knew it was her – he just needed to take his time.
She never got angry.
She never got suspicious or distrustful.
Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.
And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.
You can do it, too.
Even if you’ve felt, or you’re feeling now, helpless because you love him but can get him to commit, you can do this.
We’re talking here about the Rori Raye Third Way – and how you can stay in a relationship as long as you’re able to leave!
SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE AND WHEN TO STAY?
The answer to that is in your feelings.
It’s about what you want and how what he’s offering fits into what you want.
It’s about making a choice to be at the mercy of one man when you can’t get him to commit, or to have your choice of men.
It’s about making a choice to put your life on hold and “wait” for him as long as he wants you to, or to take your life in your own hands and “date” him for as long as YOU want.
Because, one thing’s for sure: When you’re “waiting” and hoping to get him to commit, the choice you’re making is to NOT make a choice.
Your choice is to give up your choices.
When you “wait,” you’re letting HIM choose how YOUR life goes.
You’re putting your life in HIS hands.
You’re saying you have no options but to wait.
And it’s not his fault.
He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s just doing what he feels like doing.
He isn’t thinking about your future, or what’s good for you.
He figures that you, just like him, are where you are because that’s where you want to be.
He figures that if you’re waiting around for him, you’re doing it because that’s all you have going.
I used to blame my “boyfriend” for “leading me on.”
But it wasn’t his fault.
He might have been taking advantage of my “waiting,” but, he didn’t even see it as taking advantage.
He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was.
He wasn’t about to take responsibility for my feelings.
“After all,” he thought, “she’s a grown-up.”
And after all, he wasn’t out-and-out lying to me.
He thought I was waiting because I wanted to wait.
But that wasn’t what it felt like to me.
To me, I never saw that I had a choice.
Have you ever felt that?
Like you’re at the mercy of your feelings for him, and then at the mercy of your feelings of helplessness and anger when you can’t get him to commit?
And it just doesn’t have to be that way.
You Can’t Wait Around to Get Him to Commit
Just looking at a man’s point of view – doesn’t it make you want to scream at him – “Can’t you see I’m sick of waiting for you?”
Even though we know he’d just stare at us, puzzled. “What?” he’d say.
“I told you I wasn’t ready – this was YOUR decision,” he’d say.
And all we can do is stare back.
We know he’s right.
And we hate him for it.
And we still don’t know what to do to get him to commit.
“Give him time,” is what everybody says to us.
And some say “Dump him right now.”
And it sounds like good advice, but how do we just ….leave?
After all the time we’ve invested?
The weird thing is, sometimes we get totally invested right off. Even after just a date or two.
Ever happen to you?
Where you know instantly that “he’s” the one?
And then we just hang on, convinced that we get him to commit.
The thing is, men often DO know when they’ve met their “one.” (Even though it’s often hard for us to tell by the way they act and talk, and sometimes it scares us off just to think it might be true.)
And that’s just one more reason why “waiting” is such a bad idea.
If we just hang around, waiting when a man is stalled – he just loses interest in us, bit by bit, day by day.
How can that be?
It’s so unfair, because we’re TAUGHT to be patient.
We’re taught to be understanding.
We’re taught to know that men need “time” and “space.”
When, really, giving a man “time” and “space” while we “wait patiently” for him is like shoving him out the door.
It’s like putting a sign around our neck that says: “I’m waiting for YOU.”
We close down our hearts to all other men.
We spend our time thinking about HIM.
The problem with waiting is not what it does to him – though it affects him about as negatively as anything we can possibly do.
The problem is what it does to US.
Waiting says to the world: My life is on hold for this man.
It says to the world: I don’t think much of myself, I have nothing worthwhile to do, there are no men who are interested in me besides this one, so I’m waiting for HIM.
And what that looks like to the world, and to HIM, is a lack of self-esteem.
It looks like insecurity and neediness.
So – how do you wait a reasonable length of time for a man to make up his mind about you without looking like you’re waiting?
The simple answer is: You don’t wait.
Not ever. You never wait while trying to get him to commit; you commit to yourself.
From Sarah: Rori’s got the advice to turn your whole dating world and self-image around in the most positive way. She can empower you more successfully than anyone else I’ve read. Follow the link to her site, where you’ll find more great free advice about your approach to men and how to get him to commit->