by Allana Pratt
This is from a single mom I’ve been chatting with on Twitter.
“He has been bad mouthing me to the kids for years and the hardest thing is not saying it back, but I don’t b/c I don’t want to hurt the kids. But, on the up side, he does pay child support and he’s good to the kids. At this point I am just sad for him and the kids. He hasn’t moved on and it’s been about 9 years. He used to hit me, so there’s anger too.”
And I will say, not to brag, but as a teaching, that years ago I would have reacted to the initial way she responded to me on Twitter… my inspirational tweet s seemed to annoy her, not validating the struggles she was experiencing… very much in a victim blaming energy that how could I understand what she’s going through with her four kids etc.
I know that every communication is a cry for love. Yet to respond, not react to people takes that extra beat, that extra breath of reminding ourselves it’s not about us, we’ve triggered them. And that it’s normal to feel hurt when we’re lashed out at.
I cry too. I get hurt too. I get mad too.
And because I do my work and have been a successful coach for 15 years, and because this was a Tweet not in my face directly in front of me, I was able to breathe and hear BENEATH what she was saying. Underneath it all she sounded exhausted, mad, resentful and yet wanting to do t he right thing, truly yearning for a better way.
Which is why I responded.
And so “Single Mom Struggles”-.your comments are rich with so many levels. To begin, I honor your strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship. So many stay and I’m inspired to my core.
If he hit you, the fact that he bad mouths you doesn’t surprise me. He’s obviously not grown up and handled his anger in a healthy way and blames and projects it onto you.
“He hasn’t moved on” also doesn’t surprise me as he’s most likely what I call an energy vampire. He pisses you off, you get mad, he takes your energy. You’re feeding him. He likes it. It’s not a problem for him.
Now the work that YOU need to do is what are you getting out of continuing to stay engaged in this dynamic? What’s the payoff for you? Being right? (you are right by the way, but being happy is way more fun). And you don’t sound just sad. I bet you WANT to be just sad, but your initial comment to me plus you’ve admitted to anger. THAT”S brilliant because THAT’S where you CAN take your power back.
YOUR unexpressed, unprocessed anger gives him the capacity to keep draining your power.
If you express your authentic anger in a healthy way (not at him, instead in a coaching session, writing in your journal over and over and reading it over and over until it’s gone and burning the notes, a guided meditation to release the anger) there will be no more reason to stay hooked to this 9 year drama.
It will shift more into a business relationship for the greatest good of your kids. You will have to allow him to go through ‘rehab’ and not take your energy, make communications be only through email, be unemotional, talk less, take actions more, unengaged and YOU let yourself out of your prison and YOU move on.
You will have to forgive him.
You will have to forgive yourself.
I am not asking you to condone his behavior.
I am saying your anger is eating away at YOUR peace, power, radiance and happiness.
Be with this sweet sister.
If I can support you on this journey personally, I am here.
Regardless you are in my heart.
Again I honor your courage as a single mom, to leave. Now birth the next level of courage to feel, express and release the anger, forgive him and yourself, truly let go and move on with your heart, mind and soul.
You are magnificent.
You ALL ARE MAGNIFICENT.
Huge love, deliciously yours, Allana
p.s. I speak not only from wisdom and coaching talent, but from experience of a verbally abusive father and ex-husband and I have set myself free of my Self created prison. It can be done. And it’s worth it for US and for our kids.
p.s.s. Those exhausted overwhelmed mothers out there, if you haven’t read my Missing Handbook to Motherhood book, download the first chapter RIGHT NOW and read it tonight.
Please understand this Universal Law:
When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy.
From Sarah: Allana is the single mom dating expert. You’ll want to check out her amazing program (she created it especially for us) – “Single Mom Manifesto” –>