by Orna and Matthew Walters
Should I be friends with my ex? He broke up with me a little over two months ago because he was having some health issues (mainly mental) and needed to get his ‘shit together’. The break was cordial. We talked about how much we adored each other, how he still wanted to see me, and that this was the ‘least sad of the sad scenarios’. He even said this could take three weeks or three months, he just needed to get it together.
He would check in on me and vice versa. But then we started arguing and we haven’t really talked. I saw him out with a girl about a month ago.. And decided to go on a date myself. He texted me congratulating me on my new boyfriend. I was honest and told him that he was NOT my boyfriend and they were just 2 dates. His best friend asked me the same thing in person last weekend. I said same answer.
The other night while out with my friend we run into him on a date. Friend informs me he’s just watching me the whole time.
I don’t know what to do. We loved each other so much. We didn’t have any real problems between us other than some of his issues and lack of ability to fully communicate them to me….
During this break up we emailed each other and texted. We did have an argument and I apologized and all he said back was…..’I’m focusing on work and myself right now, and I can’t really elaborate on this more than that at this time’
I dont think he really meant that given his interests in my current love life.
Is it worth it to call and ask him how he is doing and tell him that I miss him? Is it worth trying to be friends with my ex?
The “Should I Be Friends With My Ex” Answer From Orna And Matthew Walters:
One of the biggest mistakes people make when breaking up is to try to remain friends. The reason this is a bad idea is that it is not a mutual relationship. From what you’ve written we would guess that you wanted the relationship to continue. However, he did not – whatever his ‘reasons’. Remaining friends only keeps the wound of the break up open. Every time you connect with him you are re-opening that wound, not allowing it to heal.
Just because he is now feeling jealous that you are beginning to move on, doesn’t mean that if you get back together his behavior will change. People tell you who they are by what they do, not by what they say. What you know about him is that he has some issues that he needs to work out and he doesn’t want to do that with you and your support. You also know that he is not committed to you because he is also dating other women. Is this the type of relationship you want?
He’s not doing you any favors by being “nice” about wanting to stay in touch. The bottom line is that if a guy wants to be with you – HE WILL BE! He broke up with you and the “reason” doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it’s not ever about you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is not to communicate with him in any way – no calls, no texts, no emails. Delete him from you Facebook friends (block him) and delete and block him on Twitter too. Taking time away from him will allow you to mourn the relationship and heal your broken heart.
It will also allow you to release all hope of it working out. Hope is the first thing to come into a relationship, and the last thing to go. If it were meant to be, it would have been.
Should I Be Friends With My Ex? No.
Stop torturing yourself over what you may have said or done. . . because if he was the right guy for you it would’ve worked out.
Instead take the time to figure out what you really want in relationship. Don’t settle for what is in front of you. Ask yourself what your relationship would look like if you could get what you truly desire. How would your ideal relationship function? Then start looking for someone who fits that description.
Start utilizing what we call “Date to Discover” – put the discovery part on YOU! Pay attention to your inner dialog when you are out on dates.
Do you notice a big difference in what you say to yourself about yourself when you are attracted to the person you are out with than when there is no spark? Put the focus on learning about you – what is it that you truly desire in a relationship and how you can do the best to fulfill yourself now on your own?
Orna and Matthew Walters
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