by Rori Raye
Here’s a letter from “Wondering” about how confusing sex is when what you really want is a serious, lifelong relationship. It’s so hard to know how to deal with the emotions involved, even if you create strict “rules” for yourself.:
“Rori, I saw so much of myself when I was reading the site about relationships. I know that I struggle with insecurities and that vibe makes me anxious and afraid and can push a man away. I am a great catch but not perfect. But the thing is, I will deal with a man when I know he is working on his insecurities (and feel I am worth someone doing the same for me!!!) I am 27 years old, a virgin and though fun and sassy believe in saving myself for marriage. I love fashion (so am not prudish), am independent and speak my mind.
The other thing is that I am a Christian. I believe in being smart, funny, sexy and fun but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage. For this reason, I approach relationships from a long-term perspective. Not that I expect a friendship or relationship to result in marriage immediately, BUT if I don’t see long term qualities in a man, he seems unsure about what he wants or is wishy-washy, I either wont get involved or will cut ties quickly.
The problem is I always meet great guys who say they want a commitment, approach me from a long-term perspective ect. but when things get serious, they back away or give the whole spill about them not wanting a commitment, realizing they weren’t ready or maybe later The same guys will want to be around me, want to still call me everyday, and two have told me the loved me. (Both initiated that!!!!) Usually after some time, they will come back and by then I’m just like I don’t want to be bothered! You had your chance and blew it!
I read the Rules, which I think is great, and started following it. When I did, I got a LOT of attention. Then my mom and friends said it was stupid so I stopped. I did decide however, to take some time to focus on my own goals/dreams and to build my self confidence up. I also decided not to read too much into a friendship or assume a man wants to be with me when he DOESNT CLEARLY state it! I decided I would NEVER again initiate a relationship with a male! And I haven’t!
Fast forward, I met a great guy, who appeared to come out of NO WHERE and he was SO CLEAR about what he wanted from our relationship marriage! Though 6 months away from his divorce being final (In NC it takes a year of legal separation Theyd been separated about 6 moths not legally), him also being a Christian and not having sex outside of marriage (so he says!), told me he didn’t believe in wasting time, wasteful dating and pretending a relationship was going where it wasn’t. We talked about our future, dreams, goals, I met his family (when home with him), his children (within the first two weeks), his pastors wife ect. He hung out with my family, wanted to meet my dad and met my mother and was going to have a conversation about his intentions with me.
Anyway, we had some communication issues (well rather he felt the need to KEEP telling me about other women trying to talk to them, how beautiful they were, his imagined conquests ect) and I put my foot down. Then he started backing up and the usual I’m not ready for a commitment speech came up
We had talked SO many times about friends of his and how they weren’t clear about things and how the women got confused but told me I didn’t have to wonder with him. My guard was up because Id had so many guys in the past say they wanted me only to suddenly change their mind. He spent so much time assuring me he wasn’t those guys and that he was mature and KNEW who he wanted
He asked me to change my relationship status on myspace because he didn’t want to share me, telling me he loved me and said the only reason we weren’t official is because it wasn’t yet December. (2007) Wed spend countless hours cuddled on his couch (me spending the night), kissed twice and heed tell me how he found me (meaning a wife)
I was really angry and confused Then he tried to say (after all that, including him asking me NOT to talk to other guys and telling me that he STOPPED talking to other girls) we were just friends Afterward he tried to talk to me like non of that happened!
I just pulled away and told him I’d talk to him when I was ready After about a month of thinking/praying (Its been a month since we broke up) I sent an email telling him that basically if he wasn’t ready he shouldn’t have led me this far, actually a article written by another Christian brother He hasn’t responded. And I’m okay with that
Part of me wonders if he is really right for me. He is the ONLY man I’ve EVER been this compatible with but I am not comfortable being disrespected and I do feel that way when he feels the need to continuously talk to me about other women all while kissing me and telling me he loves me. What’s your advice?
And for the future?
Here’s my answer;
I’ve worked with many Christians who feel as you do about sex. Though I honor your feelings on this, I have not met one who did not have problems stemming from it.
And NOT because of the “no sex” rule – but because there were a lot of deeper issues involved with making that decision – and none of those issues were emotionally or psychologically healthy, or had been worked on or resolved. It was as though the “no sex” rule protected them from exposing the emotional problems they had around sex.
As an example in your case, I was struck by your mentioning that you “kissed twice.”
Not having sexual intercourse is one thing, not making out and feeling each other’s bodies and kissing deeply and a lot is quite another.
If this second kind of physicality is unacceptable to you, I can pretty much guarantee you this: Most of the men you meet who will be interested in you when they experience your unwillingness to be sexually physical with them at least to old fashioned “petting” will have sexual problems. Many of them will be gay, but not yet owning their homosexuality.
This man you speak about is sexualizing everything, and his need to talk about other women to you is very eccentric.
He backed off because he either feared you were cold, and that marrying you would be a life without fulfilling sex (having no evidence to the contrary, unless I’m reading your letter wrong), or he is seriously emotionally disturbed, or, most likely, just coming out of a divorce he realized he hadn’t sown any “wild oats” and was dealing with his decisions around that.
Also, he may have been happy to be in the bosom of your family as he was going through the divorce process. As for introducing you to his children, that sucks, which makes me think he was serious in his mind for awhile, and something happened. It might not have ANYTHING to do with you.
I had a client, a woman deeply committed to her Judaism, who would not have sex with the great man she met online until the engagement ring was on her finger, and you’d better believe that ring was on her finger in weeks! They even lived in different cities so he couldn’t be with her much. But I know that she radiated sexuality, is very comfortable in her own skin, and definitely kissed him deeply and a lot before that happened.
As for his “we’re just friends” speech, I’m wondering if you are perhaps a bit “shut down” around sex in order to not be taken advantage of.
Also – if the Rules worked for you – you shouldn’t STOP! Do what works! My Tools are much more organic and helpful, and the Rules are ones you make up for yourself. I believe you’ll find my Reconnect Your Relationship program VERY helpful.
I hope I haven’t offended you, but that I’ve got you thinking in some new directions.
And here’s a letter from Adrienne, also about sex and relationship:
My name is Adrienne. And I have a man that I’m totally in love with. When we first met we talked all day and all night he would look for me and miss me greatly when I was not to be found. We woke up each morning with the anticipation of talking to each other.
The first thing we would do when we got home from anywhere was contact each other. But long story short due to me saying and doing all the wrong things all the time and lots of negativity in my heart thus me giving off the wrong vibes, he just wants to be just friends. We talk all the time but he lives in a different part of the country than I do, so we don’t see each other too often. Lately I have been doing some emotional cleansing and trying to put the hurts of the past and negative feeling in my heart in the past. I must say i do feel like a new woman.
Over the weekend I will have the opportunity to spend some brief time with him (maybe a couple of hours) and I want to know what is something quick but subtle that I can do to spark his interest and make him see something good maybe he never noticed before, and say hey maybe I want to reconsider what I think of her. I know in a couple of hours I can’t change him.
I just want him to notice me in a way maybe he didn’t before. Also during our time together we will probably have sex is there anything during sex that I could do to catch his attention also And my last question is, we mostly communicate by instant messenger what can i do in my conversations with him from now on to catch his attention and show him that I have changed and make him want to spend more time with me
And my answer:
Adrienne, Please don’t have sex with him.
The way you will catch his attention is by leaning back, doing nothing, being receptive, and holding on to the boundary that you do not have sex with “friends.” At least, then, if nothing happens, you won’t go beating up on yourself…
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