Tom puts his arm around Sandra as they walk to her door. Wanting the date to continue, Sandra invites Tom inside for coffee. He readily agrees.
Once inside, the coffee’s forgotten as Sandra and Tom kiss on the sofa. Juices are flowing and the chemistry is hot.
Tom moves his hand up Sandra’s skirt, slides up her thigh. Sandra gently pushes his hand away.
Tom kisses her again, moving his hand to her breast.
Sandra makes a weak attempt to remove it.
Tom nuzzles into Sandra’s neck and whispers, “Let’s go to your bedroom.”
Uh oh. What’s Sandra gonna do?
Does she go for it and risk Tom thinking she’s a one-night stand? Or does she say “no” and risk Tom thinking she’s a tease?
How does Sandra set the stage for sex in this new relationship?
By talking about it.
In my opinion, there’s only one hard and fast direction around when to have sex. That is: When you know the plan.
If you want a one-night stand or a brief affair and your partner is in agreement, go for it. You’re both on the same page.
If you want a long-term romance and your partner wants an affair, stop! You’re incompatible.
Sandra needs to tell Tom how she feels so feelings aren’t hurt and agendas aren’t mixed.
Let’s say Sandra wants a relationship. What exactly does that mean? How can she communicate to Tom what she wants?
By telling him she wants Longevity, Continuity and Exclusivity to feel safe before having sex. She must have all three. One or two simply ain’t good enough!
Longevity: What is the long-term plan? If you want to be married, does your partner want the same thing? This doesn’t mean you’ll end up marrying each other, but at least you’ll know if you’re moving in the same direction.
Continuity: How often do you plan to see each other? Once a week? Twice a week? Monthly? If you’re long distance, how often will you visit?
Monogamy: This means social as well as sexual monogamy. It’s a wonderful thing to have a sexual commitment. It’s also a good idea to contract the social monogamy so your partner’s not back on line looking for another deal!
It’s valuable for two people who want a long-term, romantic relationship to allow the friendship to grow as long as possible. The best romance is between the ears. Anticipation during courtship can be so delicious! Once a couple enters into a sexual relationship the dynamics shift. So enjoy the foreplay!
In my opinion, the longer you wait to consummate sex, the deeper the feelings of love making. If you can resist until the third or fourth month, you’ll have a much better idea of whom you’re in a relationship with.
From Sarah: Cherry is fabulous – I love the way she brings her straightforward practicality to the tough dating and relationship questions. Her blog and free newsletters are so right on – just go and get them here: To Cherry’s free newsletters.