ruth purpleby Ruth Purple

Dear Ruth,

I am married woman for 18 years now. We do not have kids, I have endomidriosis and we are trying for many years now. I had many operations over the years and it’s been difficult for me and my husband, but he is been to my side without complaints. I love him very much.

Recently I find out that my husband has an affair with an other woman. When I found an sms on his mobile for a date he refused it, he said that it was a woman who a coworker introduced them via phone and he was thinking on seeing, he said he was sorry and he would never see her.

After a few months I found an mms – a picture of a woman from the same number. Again he denied that he knew her and calls her back and yelled at her in front of me for sending the photo.

I didn’t believe him and I called her. She said that she didn’t know him and it was accidentally send the photo. I didn’t believe her either and started to search. I smelled perfume on him that wasn’t mine, hair that wasn’t mine. I searched his car and I found a phone with a new number. I was devastated. The phone was locked.

I confront him and he admitted that he has an affair with that woman for six months now, its only for sex. He said that he wants to be with me and he will end it, then he said that over the years he had affair with other two women. I dint know what to say. He said that if I want, he will leave the house and that he doesn’t deserve me. After a few thoughts and a visit both of us to a priest and because I loved very much I said that I will give him another chance. We were programmed to go on holiday for 3 weeks, we went and have a great time. He was sweet with me, loving and great lover.

We came back, and I tried to open the phone and I did. I found her massages and I was almost dying from pain. She knew that he was married. She kept sending messages during the holidays without her knowing that I had the phone, saying that she loves him, and wants to be with him. She was going to her country and send the new phone number of hers. She said that he called her and didn’t get it.

I told him and gave the phone. Ask him if he tried and called her and he said yes – for ending it. He said that he called her when we were back and told her that I had the phone and that their affair is over.

Now she is in her country and she will be back 1st of September.

Due to stress I had a high blood pressure incident and know I am trying to recover because the danger for a stroke is great.

He is telling me all the time that he loves me and only me. And that was only for sex because of the infertility problems that I have I couldn’t have sex for some time during the ivf cycle etc.

He is sweet with me and he spends more time with me. He is always phoning me when he is at work and texting me messages. I asked him to get all three of us and talk I want him to say to her that is over and that he loves me in front of me, and he said ok. Now I am waiting for her to come back.

I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know if I should do this, but I want to see her, I want her to see me, to know that this hurt another woman. I want her to feel the pain of betrayal. She is divorced woman older than him and a foreigner in our country.

Please help me I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust him. And now when she is coming back I will be in stress all the time asking my self if he is talking or seeing her again. Is he going to do it again? It better for me to get a divorce? I love him so much. He always been nice and loving, he never gave me any cheating signs over the years until I found out.

What to say to her when we meet? Should I meet her alone at first and then with my husband? I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I meet her and ask her some questions, like what did he tell her about me, or if he said that he will leave me for her, I would feel better. Please help me.

Thanks,
Oty18

Ruth answers..

First of all, I admire your strength and your love for your husband. Some wives would, without a doubt, head for the door and never looked back but I can see that you really love your husband and you appreciate him and, in spite of his infidelity, you still see the goodness in him. This only shows that you still have faith in your husband to do the right thing. Your relationship has got what it takes to get through this painful experience, and even see each other with more respect. Divorce is never a good idea.

Before, anything else, allow me to tell you that you should never blame yourself or your health issue with your husband’s infidelity. Let him accept that he faltered because of his own weaknesses.

Now, I need to be direct with you, confronting or meeting the “other woman” is not a good idea. I understand how you feel; you want her to feel the pain that she caused you and more. You want to get even… but you have to understand that when you are mad or angry the other person wins… and you don’t need that.

The other woman is not your concern, acknowledging her presence only makes her a part of your relationship with your husband (which she is not!). You have to remember, she is an intruder, and as an intruder, her existence should never be recognized. It will pain the “other woman” if you don’t acknowledge her.

You don’t need anymore stress in your life, you need to unload unnecessary issues and seeing the “other woman” only loads up your stress, can you imagine if you decide not to care about the “other woman”? You can get to focus on the real issue and that is your marriage. Your only concern is your health and how to trust your husband again.

Make your husband your ally, you love him and the best that you can do is to work on that love, make that love your strength. I believe that you should discuss with your husband how you will be able to trust him again, make a list and have a dialogue. Tell him what he needs to do in order to win your trust again, like for instance, you need to make him swear that his affair is over, no more communication with the “other woman” at all, not even to say goodbye!

Work on building trust together. This is going to be difficult not only for your husband but for you. But you are doing this for the right reasons, you can get through this.

While you are setting it straight with your husband, never forget yourself. You have been hurt and betrayed, you need to take care of yourself. Don’t dwell too much on the problem, do healthy things that can make you feel good about yourself. Once your husband sees that you are taking a step in taking care of yourself, he will realize how important you are to him.

Having a healthy and meaningful relationship is very much possible after an affair. My first e-book You Can Get Him Back, is actually for cases like yours. The e-book can help you find out how sincere he is, how to be able to built trust again, how to maintain a blissful relationship and many more. I hope you get a copy.

Ruth

From Sarah: Ruth is a stupendous and experienced relationship coach, who can help you gain perspective when dealing with infidelity in your relationship. You can find more relationship advice from her and information about her book, “You Can Get Him Back” –

1 Comment

  1. Nisha on October 3, 2010 at 4:50 am

    I read this article,and really its so helpful to all women who are passing through these stage,not knowing what to do.and almost all of them think about divorce,but here how valuable ideas are given and its really working.Life is great and precious,so before doing anything think twice.and pray well.



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