Are you giving love to your partner for the joy of giving, or are you giving to get love in return?
We recently received the following email on this topic, asking for help:
“Hi, my name is Angela. I’m thinking of moving in with my boyfriend Patrick. But there are some things that worry me, and I don’t really know what to do. I love him but he doesn’t seem to be the person he was. At times he feels bad and upset. These periods last for about 4 – 5 days. During these times he seems more distant and our sex life just stops. This makes me frustrated because for the past year I have been working so hard to try and make him feel better when he feels bad.
I thought that it was working but now it seems nothing I do works. I miss the old times because he kissed me randomly all day and it made me feel so loved and wanted. He would hold me, and tell me great things. It was like a fantasy. Now, I’m lucky if he kisses me once or twice a day. I actually start all of the kissing. I start all of the holding. It feels like I have to start everything.
Mainly at times it feels like he just wants me as a friend. He doesn’t make me feel loved or wanted. My feelings about this come and go mainly around the times when he feels bad. But these feelings also come around sometimes when he is not feeling bad.
I just don’t have a clue what to do, and I need some help.”
Angela Is Giving to Get Love
She wants control over getting Patrick to validate her worth and fill her up. She is fine as long as Patrick is having sex with her and kissing her a lot and making her feel “loved and wanted.” But, because Angela is not doing anything to make herself feel loved and wanted, she is addicted to Patrick doing this.
She is not giving her love to Patrick from a full place inside, a place inside filled with love. Instead, she is empty inside and hopes that if she “works hard” and is nice to Patrick, she can have control over getting him to fill her emptiness, get love from him.
As a result, Patrick feels pulled on to take responsibility for Angela’s wellbeing, and becomes upset and distant in the face of the pull. He is getting turned off to Angela and just wants her as a friend because her neediness is not attractive to him. When sex is a way for Angela to get validated – rather than an expression of her love – Patrick will feel used rather than loved. He doesn’t reallt get love in this equation.
Nothing will change in this relationship until Angela decides to learn how to take responsibility for her own good feelings rather than expecting Patrick to do it for her. Patrick wants her to come to him as a loving and secure woman, not as a needy girl needing constant kisses to feel okay about herself.
How Angela Can Get Love from Herself
Angela needs to take her eyes off how Patrick is treating her and instead focus on how she is treating herself and Patrick. She needs to open to learning about what she is telling herself and how she is treating herself that is causing her emptiness and neediness. S
he needs to stop being a victim of Patrick’s behavior and instead focus within on what she needs to do for herself, for the little girl within her that wants love and attention.
She would have love to share with Patrick if she were to focus on giving herself love and attention and on making herself happy, instead of trying to make Patrick happy in the hopes that he will make her happy. As it is, she is just trying to get love – giving to get.
Angela is coming from a very common false belief – the “get love” belief that our best feelings come from being loved and desired. The truth is that our best feelings come from being loving to ourselves and to others. Angela won’t know this until she decides to change his intention from trying to get love to learning about being loving.
From Sarah: Giving and Getting are so ingrained in our brains and bodies that sometimes we forget WHY we’re doing anything. And in love, it’s so easy to do the thing that gives us the OPPOSITE result from what we want. Christian Carter is hard on as all on this…he really, really wants you to be successful in love, and he gives you the truth – even if you don’t want to hear it…check out his free newsletters and see for yourself how much he can help you get love.