by Christian Carter
Here’s powerful relationship help if you’ve ever dated a great guy, or had a relationship with a man, where he was doing all the things that told you he was “into you” – but then, for what seemed like no reason, all of the things that were going so smoothly between you just seemed to stop.
Has this ever happened to you?
Where he stopped calling. Or he stopped making plans. Or he WITHDREW, and you knew it wasn’t just temporary.
Get ready to learn why men often stop doing the things that made your relationship work and come together in the first place. There is a way to quickly get back to that close, connected, and loving place where a man makes growth in your relationship EASY because he keeps leading you both FORWARD. You DON’T have to “hold your relationship together” and keep convincing a man of the importance of your relationship. In fact, this actually WORKS AGAINST you with most men.
Keep reading and find out what actually works to get things quickly back on track in these uncertain situations where men don’t seem very “involved” or “available” anymore.
My guy asked me to be his gf. Once I said yes, he did a backslide and that has been it for the last year. He is too busy for me. I told him I want to break up and he argues me out of it. I want to point out what I find interesting- he told me a story about his best relationship. One he had before he met his first wife. He said the woman he was seeing was perfect for him. She had no expectations and did not ask questions. His voice softened as he told this story. She was always happy to see him whenever he dropped in. He blew her off on Christmas. He upped and decided to travel across country to visit family for Christmas without telling her his plans. After the holiday he dropped by and again she was happy to see him. He ended the story by stating that she met someone else and moved in with the man. So this woman was obviously not waiting home for him.
This guy has freaked when I gave up on him and put up my profile on dating sites. He states this is grounds to dodge me. I say? excuse me?? You already dodged me and that’s when I put up the profile. Life is too short to hang around for something that is not going to happen.
Any thoughts or advice? K.R.”
You go sister! I love it when a woman is CLEAR for herself that a man isn’t measuring up, and that it’s NOT HER FAULT. I wish more women had this kind of clarity and certainty about their relationships and their feelings. The kind of clarity that empowers women to stop worrying so much about what men are thinking and doing and what they DON’T WANT… and start moving towards what they DO WANT in a positive and constructive way.
Now as for your guy – you already know what I’m about to tell you. He’s not a very mature man when it comes to women and relationships. In fact, he’s not much of a “Man” at all. Actually, he’s more of a “Boy”. And you should start referring to him in this way, both in your mind and in conversation, so that you STAY CLEAR on the fact that he’s the one who just doesn’t “get it” right now when it comes to relationships. Now I don’t have to do much to point out YOUR
PART in creating this dead-end, going nowhere, unfulfilling, and immature relationship, do I?
You weren’t honest with yourself about what was REALLY GOING ON inside this guy’s mind when it came to women and relationships. I’m sure the signs were there as you started getting close and you developed feelings for him. They always are… and you as a woman are always finding them and “processing” what they mean.
But YOU wanted to believe in your feelings so much so that you convinced yourself of the idea that you could turn him into a better guy. And then, for the sake of trying to make the relationship work for a while, you forgot all about the meaning of the personal “sacrifice” you made. Even though, somewhere deep down, you KNEW something wasn’t right.
The truth is, trading your happiness, insights, or emotional well-being for a man’s love or approval (in your case, these add up to a relationship) ALWAYS works against you.
There are some other fascinating dynamics going on in your email that I want to point out. Fascinating things about how men think and act when it comes to relationships and COMMITMENT. And how women often act when it comes to men and their common behaviors in new, growing, or committed relationships.
But before we get to these important lessons, I want to clear the air about when and why to leave a relationship with a man, since you’ve touched on it here in your email. There’s one simple rule I like to go by in relationships when all is said and done-
Relationships are for GROWTH.
So – the best relationship help I can give you is this: If you’re in a relationship that has no growth (with the exception of you growing for yourself as you “suffer”) – then guess what time it is? It’s time to think about how to MOVE ON.
And I don’t just mean that you completely move on from the man (especially if you’ve been committed or married for years and you’re not looking to end it). What I mean is that your old relationship that wasn’t working, and the old “roles” that you played, are going to have to die in order for you to grow. So I’m not going tell you or any woman how or why to end her relationship as a general rule. I’m just going to show you how to move on from the past and get all you can from your relationship no matter where you are now.
And yes, certain bad situations have to end.
But here’s what you need to know if you want to AVOID these kinds of dead-end relationships in the first place… and instead create the kind of committed, certain, and emotionally fulfilling relationships that bring love into your life… and that LAST.
You know those relationships where you really care about or love a man, but it just isn’t working? Well, most women take the approach that they need to “fix” the relationship themselves in order to be happy and make things work. And when this happens, as you probably already know, the entire “weight” of the relationship quickly falls on your shoulders.
Give me a silent nod if you know what I’m talking about here and you’ve experienced the struggle and “burden” of feeling like you’re the only one who really cares about whether your relationship works out or not. The thing is, this is a common situation where you as a woman feel like you’re the only one doing “the work”. And the reality is that, no matter how smart, wise, attractive, etc. a woman is, if you’re trying to “do the work” for a man, it’s going to backfire and only cause you to become less and less happy and fulfilled.
Give me another silent nod if you’ve tried to take on the role of the “savior” or “doing all the work” in your relationship before. You know exactly how this makes you feel and where it takes your relationship – NOWHERE.
There’s a secret key to understanding men and moving quickly and easily into a growing, more committed relationship with a man. Part of this secret starts with understanding how and why men see DATING so differently than RELATIONSHIPS.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that men do all kinds of things while they’re DATING and “uncommitted” that they RARELY seem to do once they are inside a COMMITTED relationship. Things that make you and your relationship stronger, grow, and keep things moving forward.
Do you know why that is?
Ok, now back to the important lessons I see in your email.
I want to point out what I see is one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make with a man if he’s not doing his part in a relationship…It’s an all too common “trap” that women fall into that only makes things worse. Lots of women end up making EXCUSES for what’s going on with a man by obsessing about what’s wrong with THEM instead of having the confidence to take a good look at what a man’s really doing and accepting this as the reality of the situation. I can’t tell you how many times I see and read emails where women think or feel bad about themselves just because a guy can’t get it together.
But then what do they go and do?
Instead of staying clear, calm, and centered when they communicate with a man, they start to CONVINCE HIM that he could and should think and feel differently. I call this being “The Convincer” in the relationship. Of course, this reaction makes complete and total logical sense. If a man is doing something “wrong” in a relationship… then you need to point out what he’s doing wrong and how he should fix it, right?
And he SHOULD respond.
But do men actually respond to women telling them that they are screwing up or don’t “get it” by opening up and changing? It’s not even a question worth answering. Obviously the answer is NO, men don’t. Men can’t stand having a woman tell them how to think and feel almost as much as women don’t like men to do the same with them. And it certainly doesn’t make them feel MORE ATTRACTED to a woman, or MORE INTERESTED in a RELATIONSHIP.
You following me here?
The common and fatal “trap” women often fall into with men who are withdrawn, “unavailable,” or uncommitted is to start CONVINCING a man that he SHOULD think or feel a certain way about them and their relationship…Instead of giving them actual EXPERIENCES that will make them FEEL this way on their own.
Men don’t fall for women, become attracted to them, or decide that they’d like to be in a committed relationship with a woman because a woman is so good at convincing a man to want these things. That kind of thing is for politicians and debates.
Now, back to it.
What makes a man fall for a woman, become deeply attracted to her, and want a real and lasting committed relationship is the way a woman makes him FEEL. And what are you making a man feel if you are subtly trying to “convince” him to want to be with you?
I’ll give you the answer to this one-You’re making him feel RESISTANT.
There’s a simple law in nature that applies here…Whenever you use force against something and it doesn’t move, there is ALWAYS an equal and opposite force working against you. If you’re pushing or pulling a man, and he isn’t going where you want him to go… then you’re creating an equal and opposite force within him. And it’s this force that keeps him from opening up or listening.
Of course, the harder, the louder, or the more sad you get, the greater the force you are using… and thus the greater his opposite force and RESISTANCE is going to be.
There’s a better way. If you learn to work WITH THE FORCES that are already going on inside a man, his feelings, and HIS REASONS for committing (or not), then your odds of success instantly go up DRAMATICALLY.
So how do you learn to do this? If you want to get into the nitty gritty details and how-to’s here about creating a truly committed and lasting relationship… then I’d start by learning what the actual process of commitment looks like for a man and go from there.
If you think about it, some of the things you might think are mistakes, mishaps, or “accidents” in your relationships with men could actually be part of HIS COMMITMENT PROCESS.
After years of study, research, and observation of committed and loving couples, I’ve found that the myth that becoming deeply connected and committed in a relationship comes easily and smoothly for most couples is just that – A MYTH.
The reality is that the women who actually do have an “easy” time moving into a secure, committed, long term relationship with a man don’t just have men who make it easy for them. It’s not that it CAN’T be easy. It can.
But the difference is that these women have learned about exactly what it is that can make a man who thinks he’s happy in his “bachelorhood” become completely certain that he wants to become COMMITTED with a woman… and STAY COMMITTED not just physically, but on an emotional level as well.
(Hint – what makes a man become certain in this way about a relationship and commitment with a woman is NOT what makes a woman feel this way)
Of course, as we’ve already touched on, the man you choose does make a huge difference. All men aren’t the same… and I’d be lying to you if I told you they were. That’s why you’ve got to learn to spot a “Real Man” from a “Boy”… and become clear for yourself the difference so you don’t get caught up in the frustrating and dangerous patterns of trying to have a mature relationship with an immature man.
It took me literally years to put together a clear, real, step-by-step picture of how a man becomes truly committed with a woman, and grows MORE COMMITTED over time. Not less. Dating exclusively, or monogamy, is just one small step in the ongoing cycle of growth in a real and committed relationship. A deeper level of what I call “emotional connection” is another step along the cycle of commitment. As is marriage.
Wouldn’t just knowing what a mature “Man” really acts, thinks and talks like in a relationship make things a whole lot easier? Just to know if you were on track… or if things really and truly were headed in the wrong direction? And wouldn’t it be great to know how a “Boy” acts in some of the more common and critical situations?
Situations like “the talk”, where you actually communicate about your relationship and make a verbal commitment to each other? There’s a huge difference between how a “Real Man” acts in this situation, and how a “Boy” does. If you don’t know the difference, and what to do about it, then odds are you’re going to have trouble creating the situation and outcome that you would want for your love life.
How many times have you tried to “talk” with a man in this way, and it went wrong from the very beginning? It doesn’t have to work this way. Another critical situation is when you see something a man is doing that just doesn’t work for you or your relationship, and you need to say something and ask him to stop or change. If you’re like lots of women I’ve known and helped, then just the idea of talking to a man directly about HIS ISSUES makes you fearful and certain that he’s going to explode with anger or frustration.
If you think or feel this way, it’s time to recognize that this isn’t EVER going to get you where you need to be in order to enjoy a real relationship. There’s a way to communicate with a man that AVOIDS these common destructive reactions and responses and moves you both into a more connected and committed place together. The key is to first eliminate the common “negative strategies” that only work to push men away, or make them act more like the “Boy”.
We’ve already touched on one of these which was the trap of the “convincing” approach. There are several other common and destructive approaches that smart women take all the time that make commitment with a man MUCH, MUCH harder than it ever has to be. I want to help you identify and eliminate your own personal “strategy” that isn’t working for you and is keeping you from moving into the committed and secure relationship you want with a man…
But I also want to help you create your own personal best strategy for approaching situations and communicating with the man in your life.
Wouldn’t it be great to get back to the place where you were comfortable talking and sharing MORE of what you think and feel… and a man became LESS RESISTANT to moving your relationship forward as a result? If so, then it’s time you took the matters into your own hands and stopped waiting for a man (or a boy) to figure it out and make it happen for you.
Your friend, Christian Carter
From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more about how Christian knows so much about women (oh, and he SO does…) and to get his free relationship help