mountaintopby Leslie

Question 5 from my Rori Raye questionnaire: What’s your dream?

That’s easy. I want to marry Joe.

Or if not Joe, someone who makes me feel as understood and loved as he does, and someone I respect and enjoy as much as I like him.
My dream is to create family for myself.

Since my father died, my sense of belonging to a family has been ripped away from me. (Other than my mom, and cousin Jennifer.)

My sister, for reasons best known to herself, went on a campaign to vilify me with the extended family. She was only able to influence people who don’t know me that well-but the impact was devastating to the way our family used to interact.

My mom has been unable to continue relationships with people who were very dear to her because she can’t believe they have been so unkind and disloyal to me. (I got to my dad’s funeral, and there were people who wouldn’t speak to me because of bizarre fictions my sister had promulgated.

She’s crazy. As I said-the family members who’ve been in touch with me- any anyone who ever babysat for us when we were kids – rallied around me, shaking their heads at Melissa’s attempts to make me look bad.

But the damage in other corners of our family is probably irreversible. I tried to get those people to talk to me, but they wrote me off. And to be honest, if all it took was one conversation for my sister for people to write me off-I guess I’m not missing much.

But the result is that I feel starved for family. Especially when my best friend has been poisoned by IVF drugs and turned into a stranger, and my mom is 86, and I don’t entirely trust the one cousin who I’m close with.

(I mean, I’d trust her with money. But she once borrowed my car “for an afternoon” and didn’t understand why I was angry when, 36 hours later, she hadn’t brought it back. And no dress borrowed is ever returned.

And when my dad first got sick and went into the hospital, I drove to Florida, a 25 hour drive, and called her repeatedly because I was freaking out that my dad was sick. She never picked up or called me back. Four days later, in response to an email I sent saying I was really hurt not to have heard from her, she emailed back that she’d been incredibly busy.

I didn’t point out that she’d managed to update her profile on Facebook while she was too busy to call me back – Why bother?

You get the picture.

So this is another reason (sorry to beat a dead horse) that I like Joe. He is so fiercely loyal. He’s trying so hard to be loyal to me without being disloyal to his (wince) girlfriend.

If his sister needs him, if his dad is sick-that is his priority. He told me that he’s already told his boss that if one of his dogs dies, he won’t be in to work for several weeks.

Family means everything to Joe. Like it used to mean to me, when I had one.

So that’s my dream. A family.

That’s why I want to get married. Not because I’m boy crazy. I’ve been alone so long that I’ve got it down. I hadn’t even been looking for a guy in years.

In fact, I just burned my old vision board, after I made a new one.

The only guys on it were Darryl Hammond and Lewis Black, because I love comedy.

(Funny thing about that-when I’d made that vision board, a few years ago, I walked into the Comedy Cellar and Darryl Hammond, who I’ve say across the bar from regularly for a decade, looked up, looked me right in the eyes and said, “Hello. How are you?” First and only words he’s ever spoken to me.

But it was about a week after I’d hung my vision board in my room. Pretty funny, huh?

6. What are you tolerating in your life?

The not-knowing and in-between-ness of the Joe thing.

My sister being a righteous bitch despite the constant injury it does to our mother, who my sister really does love. (Is it tolerating it, if there’s nothing you can do about it?)

I know there are other things. But right now they’re unformed blurs. So I may add to this later, after I’ve had a chance to think more.

7.)What keeps you from getting what you want?

I WISH I KNEW!!!!!

I try so hard to be open to higher and better outcomes. Like last year when I wanted a job SO BADLY and almost got a couple just amazing jobs. I wanted to stay in NYC then.

But when I realized it wasn’t financially feasible-I reshuffled the deck and realized that the only real reason I wanted to stay was pride.

I wasn’t having much fun. I wasn’t taking advantage of the city. I was a gerbil on a wheel with a painfully large monthly nut, totally stressed out. And I told God to take the car keys, and all these amazing things happened.

I even look like a completely different person now.

My point is-I don’t think it’s that I get too attached to the outcome.

And I don’t think it’s that I don’t try hard enough.

And I don’t think it’s that I am unclear about what I want.

I don’t have a clue what gets in my way. I have a blind spot, I guess.

Leslie in Vermont

From The Editors: This is a new feature at LoveRomanceRelationship – a column written by Leslie – she has a fascinating life, a lot to say, and she writes brilliantly and compellingly…if you’d like to be considered as a LoveRomanceRelationship columnist, please let us know! If you’re finding these posts out of order (it’s Leslie’s story, so there is an order to it), just “search” under “Leslie” and you’ll find all of them. Just go by the dates and you can keep up!

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