And these guys I’ve been meeting Circular Dating just make Joe look so good by comparison.
The other day I went on a first date for lunch with a guy. He went in for an open-mouthed kiss without any non-verbal cue or request for access.
He just dove right in there, and I was gob-smacked. (Literally!)
I said, “Slow down, Dale!” in as playful a way as I could muster, but I was thinking, “You jackass. What gives you the right to think you can slime me without any sort of signal from me?”
I know I should have shot a feelings message at him. Didn’t think of it at the time, and it probably would have been, “Wow-I’m feeling really angry. I feel kinda intruded upon when people kiss me without kind of taking a temperature reading beforehand.” And I guess I have to work on expressing anger. I seem to be fine with expressing vulnerability. But anger? Not so much.
Question from Rori Raye: What do you most want from my help, from any coaching we do together, and from the class in general – in other words – if I had a magic wand, what could I do for you by the end of 6 weeks?
Oh, Rori. Reading your question above made my eyes well up with tears.
If you had a magic wand, at the end of the six weeks, Joe would be begging me for a commitment.
He knows I’m dating other people and he doesn’t much like it. Last Friday night (today’s Tuesday), I saw him driving down Main Street looking at his phone. His energy was really intensely focused on it. When I got home, I discovered that it was me he’d been trying to call. (The ttown clock said 6:41 when I saw him, and *69 said he called at 6:41.) He probably called me at the house and then my cell, but the battery had died. I’d had a date that fell through, so I’d gone to a wine tasting at a local restaurant.
So like you advise, I was out having a good time, not thinking about him. And it sure seemed like he felt that! The look on his face was – perplexed. Usually, I make sure my cell battery is fully charged, just in case he wants to find me. That day, I’d forgotten to charge it.
And also when I’d driven into town, I drove right past him without seeing him. He was on the side of the road wearing a “high visibility” florescent yellow suit, and I didn’t see him. I got the feeling that his heart had lept in his throat when that happens, because he’d texted me the day before and it had been a full 24 hours without my answering him. (I wasn’t playing games.
We’d had a weird conversation the day before, and I was trying to wrap my brain around it.)
Anyway…At the end of the six weeks I’d like to have inspired him to step up and claim me. AND/OR I’d like to be pulling in a better level of guys in Circular Dating. I’ve been getting nice, solid guys who have nice, solid lives.
But I have to feel like a guy is extraordinary to be really attracted to him. That’s not necessarily a model, not necessarily a millionaire, not necessarily anything. But he has to have a passion, and he has to secure in his own skin, and I have to respect him in order to want to kiss him. (Unless he’s a boy toy. Don’t need to respect them or think they’re extraordinary.)
Now, don’t get me wrong-I like people and I am genuinely interested in their stories. This guy the other day-the stealth kisser— He was a nice enough guy. But there was nothing remarkable about him. If a guy’s not remarkable, he better be at least pretty. Or entertaining. This guy was none of those things. But a nice guy? Sure. Not ugly. If he’d even just looked in my eyes and smiled before zooming in for the kiss, I’d have let him.
Anyway-please Rori-at the end of the six weeks, let this be over. Help me either have some kind of a paradigm shift so I don’t love this man and want him so much. Or let him claim me. Being with him forever would be my first choice. But I don’t want to want something I can’t have.
I still believe I can have him. I still believe that my gut instinct and the way he stirs my soul and makes me want to be a better person must mean something. I don’t think God would wave off my prayer to stop loving Joe this much if He didn’t want me to love him. (Oh…one day when I first got up to Vermont, I was crying in the car and asked God to either let me stop loving Joe or give me a sign that he wants us to be together.
On my way home, there’s one small Mom’n’Pop store, so I stop to pick up milk. Next to the milk, there’s a shelf of free books I’d never seen before. Maybe 20 books, if that. One of them is called “Heaven Sent Husband.” It’s about a Christian girl who much to her own surprise- gets a clear message from God that she’s going to marry a certain guy. And of course in the end she does.
As I closed the book, I said, “Sure, well, it’s just a fiction.” And then I read the back page and the author said, “I’ve written over 122 books, and this is the only one inspired by a true story.” There’s a synchronicity. Or am I deluding myself?
I don’t want to be delusional.
You say “Follow Your Feelings.” And I FEEL like this is the guy for me.
I want to either inspire him to crash his ship against the rocks to be with me. Or move on.
From The Editors: This is a new feature at LoveRomanceRelationship – a column written by Leslie – she has a fascinating life, a lot to say, and she writes brilliantly and compellingly…if you’d like to be considered as a LoveRomanceRelationship columnist, please let us know!
If you’re finding these posts out of order (it’s Leslie’s story, so there is an order to it), just “search” under “Leslie” and you’ll find all of them. Just go by the dates and you can keep up!