relationshipby Rori Raye

Here’s a letter from Grace, who’s in a relationship with a man who’s “interacting” with other women through emails and Facebook. Grace is understandably distraught:

“Rori, Help! I’m freaking out…

My man Joe talks with other women on line. He says it’s about friendship, he just needs to do it, and he’s not having sex or anything like that with any of them, and I just need to accept it.

I couldn’t help myself – I wrote to one woman that Joe had sexual emails with. I wrote to her woman to woman. We had an awesome, compassionate exchange.

And then he texted me ‘Why are you writing to people? Who else of my FB friends are you writing to?’

I told him I don’t like being lied to.

He said he doesn’t like being spied on.

So now I”M the bad guy in all this.

I feel horrible and crappy and anxious and really dirty. Please help, Grace”

My Answer:

Grace –

The work here is in really going into all the part of you that are feeling so many things:

The little, scared part of you that you – big Grace – allowed to take Grace over (just like letting a two-year old run you).

The part of you that felt compelled to call and then followed through with that call…

The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…

The part that feels furious and enraged.

The part of you that feels guilty…

The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…

The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…

Get those parts of you involved here.

Find out what’s going on inside you – what war between all those parts and their voices is taking place – and see if you can dialogue with all of them – one at a time.

Talk to the parts of your body (I love the “Body Dialogues” in my Heart Connection Toolkit…they will help you so much…)

And then forgive everything – all the parts of you, all voices in your head, all the things you think, do, say…anything that isn’t the way you want it to be…

And then – let the part of you that could apologize for going there (to making that call to the “other woman”), let it go and just apologize to him – because getting into “his business” is a useless waste of your time, makes you feel awful, and dumps your self-esteem in the trash can.

Never mind what it does to him or the relationship, because there is absolutely no place in a relationship for this kind of secrets and lying!

Period.

Saying what you said to him is perfect.

Now – on the other hand fighting for a man – and for total honesty – is okay if that’s the experiment you want to try.

This is YOUR life.

If you want to confront other women (and this was a good learning experience, here) and confront him – and fight for him by telling him he can’t do that and have you, too – and that you want him and you’re going to fight for him….well – then try that. Then gauge the results for yourself.

Feelings are just feelings – allow yourself to feel them and talk to all those parts of you that feel all those things…and then see if you can let your bigger self that can HOLD ALL of those parts and voices inside you go ahead, get big and HOLD them all.

You can LIVE with all those parts and feelings.

Practice giving love to EVERYTHING inside you, and then go do something you LOVE!

Living with a man, on the other hand, who’s always triggering your worst-feeling feelings is not something I’d want for you.

Love, Rori

From Sarah: Rori’s got such powerful relationship advice, and her Have The Relationship You Want ebook is always the first place I go when I need help. Her stuff works. She’s got simple but incredible free tools to use to strengthen your confidence, joy and self-esteem and attract the kind of man you want in your life. Check her out, get her free newsletters, and get what you want from your relationship!

1 Comment

  1. Vicki on December 22, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Always, always, always avoid men who make *you* the “bad guy” in any situation.

    I went out on one date with a guy I didn’t want to see again. He invited me to a karaoke party a friend of his was giving, and I politely declined. Someone at the party said something rude to him, and ruined his evening. He told me he thought it would not have happened if I had been there. Truth is, it’s the hostess’ job to make sure the guests have a good time. It is the other guests’ responsibility to be polite and behave themselves. NOTHING that happened at that party is my fault. Maybe the hostess owes him an apology, and definitely the rude-girl owes him an apology, but *I* do not.

    If your guy doesn’t want you to friend his friends on Facebook, he needs to adjust his own Facebook account settings so that his friends can’t see who his other friends are. If he didn’t that, then that is HIS fault! Not yours. You’ve done nothing wrong.

    If I were Grace, I would find a man who has the personal integrity to 1. not take advantage of your trust and lie to you about the seeming innocence of his other ‘friendships’ with women on Facebook, and 2. not blame his own shortcomings on other people.

    This is exactly the type of guy who blames all of his problems on his partner. If he’s not successful enough or happy enough, somehow, it will always be your fault. Hit the delete button lady! And move on.

    If you want, join a Facebook group for women who like hotter looking guys than he is. Post shirtless pics of GQ models and Chippendale strippers on your Facebook wall. Make him feel bad about his weight, height, income, etc, or just basically hit him below the belt in any of the areas where men feel weak, and then get yourself a new guy!! LOL That’s the mean girl streak coming out of me. Ignore the dark side if you want, but revenge is the best revenge, I always think. Happiness with some other guy is a very close 2nd…



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