by Rori Raye
Can you scare a good man away from a relationship with your anger? Here’s the beginning of my never-ending answer:
If you’re expressing your anger, and NOT making him wrong or responsible for it, and NOT punishing yourself for it – you cannot scare any kind of man you’d want to be with.
You can only make him love you more.
And – if you’re treating yourself horribly around your anger at yourself, or if you’re attacking HIM with your anger – you may make him want to shut down and get away.
Depending on his background:
If he’s conflict-avoidant because his parents scared and upset him with constant fighting when he was small and he regularly ran away and hid – he’ll close up and want to run from conflict.
If his family was all about fighting and verbal attacking was part of the environment and he was included in the free-for-all – then he’ll get angry and punch back verbally (or physically) – and think that’s normal.
If he was the peacemaker in an angry family – he’ll try to explain what happened and calm you down and keep the peace.
If he’s an extraordinarily conscious man, he’ll quickly recognize that this isn’t personal, that you’re having issues inside yourself and throwing them at him – and he’ll clearly say to you that he hears your anger and understands it, but that he won’t tolerate being attacked or talked to that way – and to “Please observe the rules of non-violent communication by using the “I” formation.”
That said – you’ve GOT to get your anger up and out to the surface!
Don’t Let Hidden Anger Ruin Your Relationship
You’ve got to hear it inside you, you’ve got to acknowledge it, got to love and embrace it – and you have to learn how to SPEAK it!
And you have to learn how to do all this when it’s happening – or as soon as you can “catch” that it’s happening.
This is the work.
There are many ways to work through anger – Byron Katie’s “The Work” is one way – asking yourself if what you’re thinking that’s causing your anger is “true” – and my favorite part of her work – “Who would I be without that thought?” or my version I say to myself – “Who would I be if I wasn’t thinking that thought?”
Another way is to simply embrace whatever it is you’re feeling, encourage it to speak to you, encourage it to feel heard by hearing it, and then simply saying out loud what the voice is saying to you – as the “you” that’s consciously aware of the voice of anger and how it’s talking to you.
“I’m feeling angry at myself. I’m feeling angry at you. It feels like a lump in my heart and hurts right here…”
Essentially – it’s not so important what’s going on that’s made you feel angry, that’s triggered you to anger.
That’s most often just stuff to be worked out, negotiated – logistics.
The most important thing to blossom a relationship into real, deep intimacy, is to be able to speak about your feelings to a man.
The honesty and openness and terrifying baring of your feelings – even your soul sometimes – is a great act of trust.
Trust of yourself – and trust of him, too. Trust of the “law” of how things are – that speaking the truth is the great healer.
I received a letter from a client who suddenly realized how angry she was.
Rage-filled, actually, and how she found herself banging pots and stomping around and berating herself and her man while she stood alone in the kitchen.
And how quiet and scary he got saying to her that he’d heard her banging around and being so angry.
She spoke to him truly, honestly, and quite brilliantly – which was a huge breakthrough for her.
I Wrote Her With Some Relationship Advice:
Pamela – I think you’re brilliant – I know it must not feel good – but everything that happened and everything you said was as great and therapeutic and appropriate as