relationshipby Rori Raye

Can you scare a good man away from a relationship with your anger? Here’s the beginning of my never-ending answer:

If you’re expressing your anger, and NOT making him wrong or responsible for it, and NOT punishing yourself for it – you cannot scare any kind of man you’d want to be with.

You can only make him love you more.

And – if you’re treating yourself horribly around your anger at yourself, or if you’re attacking HIM with your anger – you may make him want to shut down and get away.

Depending on his background:

If he’s conflict-avoidant because his parents scared and upset him with constant fighting when he was small and he regularly ran away and hid – he’ll close up and want to run from conflict.

If his family was all about fighting and verbal attacking was part of the environment and he was included in the free-for-all – then he’ll get angry and punch back verbally (or physically) – and think that’s normal.

If he was the peacemaker in an angry family – he’ll try to explain what happened and calm you down and keep the peace.

If he’s an extraordinarily conscious man, he’ll quickly recognize that this isn’t personal, that you’re having issues inside yourself and throwing them at him – and he’ll clearly say to you that he hears your anger and understands it, but that he won’t tolerate being attacked or talked to that way – and to “Please observe the rules of non-violent communication by using the “I” formation.”

That said – you’ve GOT to get your anger up and out to the surface!

Don’t Let Hidden Anger Ruin Your Relationship

You’ve got to hear it inside you, you’ve got to acknowledge it, got to love and embrace it – and you have to learn how to SPEAK it!

And you have to learn how to do all this when it’s happening – or as soon as you can “catch” that it’s happening.

This is the work.

There are many ways to work through anger – Byron Katie’s “The Work” is one way – asking yourself if what you’re thinking that’s causing your anger is “true” – and my favorite part of her work – “Who would I be without that thought?” or my version I say to myself – “Who would I be if I wasn’t thinking that thought?”

Another way is to simply embrace whatever it is you’re feeling, encourage it to speak to you, encourage it to feel heard by hearing it, and then simply saying out loud what the voice is saying to you – as the “you” that’s consciously aware of the voice of anger and how it’s talking to you.

“I’m feeling angry at myself. I’m feeling angry at you. It feels like a lump in my heart and hurts right here…”

Essentially – it’s not so important what’s going on that’s made you feel angry, that’s triggered you to anger.

That’s most often just stuff to be worked out, negotiated – logistics.

The most important thing to blossom a relationship into real, deep intimacy, is to be able to speak about your feelings to a man.

The honesty and openness and terrifying baring of your feelings – even your soul sometimes – is a great act of trust.

Trust of yourself – and trust of him, too. Trust of the “law” of how things are – that speaking the truth is the great healer.

I received a letter from a client who suddenly realized how angry she was.

Rage-filled, actually, and how she found herself banging pots and stomping around and berating herself and her man while she stood alone in the kitchen.

And how quiet and scary he got saying to her that he’d heard her banging around and being so angry.

She spoke to him truly, honestly, and quite brilliantly – which was a huge breakthrough for her.

I Wrote Her With Some Relationship Advice:

Pamela – I think you’re brilliant – I know it must not feel good – but everything that happened and everything you said was as great and therapeutic and appropriate as

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  1. v on May 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    You seem a really,lovely person ,you however need to loghten upand relax and enjoy the company of your friends ,you siad its been 18mth,well if he had no gotten serious with you by then,i would say he just wants o be friends,and at the rate things are gong ,if you are not care full you might also loose the friendship ,crying does no help in any case as it makes you weak,mentally and physically and you are not able to think straight how to resolve the issue,dry your tears and face he situation ,apologies for the miss-understanding and patch up your friendship on both sides,who knows maybe ,there is still a chance of a serious relationship. Good luck

  2. Brenda on May 3, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Boy, if anger will make him love me more, than it will be a miracle for that to happen, after I sent and email and he totally took it the wrong way………and so did
    2 other friends of mine……These two people set me up on a date 8 months ago. Through this whole time it’s been more the 4 of us going out then just him & I going out and I kept hearing all these nice things he would tell them about me, then when I saw him, he acted totally the opposite. It’s been; he said, she said kind of a thing. They would tell him what I said and they would tell me what he said….then it got to the point where they would all go out and not include me. Then she would tell me they all went out….and that really hurt, I felt rejected, un-wanted, not good enough etc.

    One date I had with him he had kissed me for the first time and held my hand through a whole movie and acted like he really liked me, then the next day we met this couple for dinner, he picked me up and acted like he didn’t even want to be with me. (and still to this day I don’t know why). So in my head I was going to give him until the end of April to “step up to the plate” then I was done. I felt like I was on a roller coaster and couldn’t do it anymore. Then my friend (one of the couples) told me that from now on if they go for coffee that it would be his “Mark’s” job to call me……That really hurt, I felt like it was his “Job” to call me because she told him that. I wanted him to call me because “He” wanted to call me not because it was someones “job”. Then May 1st he called and I couldn’t answer the phone. So I explained to him in an email why and he totally took it the wrong way. “I emailed him and said, please do not call me if your calling me because its your “job”, cause if you do you’re fired. I tried to make a joke out of it by saying “you’re fired” like Donald Trump would always say on his TV program the “apprentice” well, he (Mark) didn’t take it that way. So now my girlfriend emailed me and told me I had to apologize to Mark and next time if I was mad at her, to tell her, and not to take it out on an innocent person. I lost it and cried all night and all day today…..I am sooo embarrassed, I feel terrible and hate myself for doing that….Like I said earlier I was giving him until the end of April and he called May 1st he called but I couldn’t answer the phone because I was to upset about what my girlfriend said about him having to call me to ask me out for coffee and then he got home and read my email……he probably thinks I’m a looney tune… He’s the kind of guy that’s a “guy’s guy” hunter, fisherman a “man” that doesn’t show his feelings, hard to read, a real challenge, he’s 58 and everything is black or white…..he would give the shirt off his back for anyone. He’s the kind of guy I’ve always wanted to be with, a Man, not someone that’s needy or clingy and is fine doing his own thing and still spend time w/me. Someone that would be the Man in a relationship. No we are not in a relationship, it’s more of a friendship, get to know each other phase. I don’t know if you will read this, but it helped me to get if out. I hope this made sense. Any advise would be sooo helpful.

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