Ever noticed how some men never seem to mean what they say when it comes to a relationship?
It’s frustrating, right? Many of the men you meet tell you that they “aren’t really looking for a relationship right now,” but you spot them in the bar the very next weekend talking and flirting with other women.
After years of noticing this odd piece of behavior, I’ve come to a simple conclusion:
Men and women simply mean different things with the words they say.
I’ll give you an example — for instance, when a woman says, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” it usually means:
“I’m still getting over a bad relationship or getting my career going, and I’d like to deal with that first before I put my heart on the line again.”
Makes perfect sense. But when a MAN says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” he actually means:
“I’m looking for a woman who’s smart, attractive, independent, and fun to be with — and I don’t think you fit the bill. Sorry.”
Why Men Rarely Mean What They Say About a Relationship
Now THAT can be infuriating!
But it’s true. Most men think this way when they’re out looking for great women to date. Even if they say entirely different things!
You might be asking WHY men rarely mean what they say. The reasons vary, but I can give you three quick reasons right off the top of my head:
#1 – They’re just being polite.
Let’s face it — being told “I’m not ready for a relationship” is much easier on the nerves than being told “You’re just not good enough for me.”
I suppose it’s just part of many men’s upbringing to be the “perfect gentlemen” with ladies. It’s a safe, polite way to turn down a woman.
(Of course, the same men don’t seem to realize how they’re making a fool of themselves when the women they turn down find them flirting with other women the very next weekend, but that’s another story…)
#2 – They’re not too bright.
This is actually the easiest reason to think of. Maybe men are just jerks, right?
But of course, it’s never safe to think this way. Blaming the men you meet for everything that goes wrong in your love life puts you at RISK.
A risk of doing what?
Simple — you risk not considering the possibility that the problem may not be with them, but with YOU.
Which brings me to the third quick reason why men rarely mean what they say:
#3 – You’re trying to communicate with them at a level where you don’t connect.
Here’s One of the Biggest Secrets in Dating and a Relationship:
There are four (4) “levels” of communication between a man and a woman.
And in order to progress from one level to another, you’ll need to act in a certain way that encourages him to open up to you little by little.
And these four levels of communication are what we’ll be talking about here.
The Four Levels Of Communication Between A Woman And A Man
The first level is the “friend”level.
This is where it all begins — you start out as friends, and everything’s relatively light and easy.
It’s also easy to tell whether he’s on this level. Simply listen to the things he talks about whenever he’s with you.
If he’s talking about the weather…
If he’s talking about himself…
If he’s talking about what he does for a living…
If he’s talking about the latest episode of Glee… (Eek!)
Basically, if he’s talking about the same things that your other friends talk about, then it’s safe to assume that you’re still on the “friend” level. At this point, it would be best to avoid talking about dating or going steady — you just might make him say “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” — which we’re trying to avoid in the first place!
The second level is the “emotionally-available” level.
Now it gets a little more interesting.
At this level, he starts talking about where he stands in his love life.
For instance, he’ll start talking about his past relationships.
He’ll start talking about his dating habits.
And he’ll start dropping hints that he’s emotionally available for flirting, dating, and maybe even a relationship.
Obviously, this is great news — but don’t make the same mistake that many women do!
Remember, he’s only indicating that he’s AVAILABLE. It doesn’t mean he’s WILLING.
So don’t push the issue if he still seems resistant to the idea of actually going out as a couple, otherwise he might back out and tell you “Um, I’m actually not ready for a relationship right now, but (insert lame reason here).”
In other words, don’t ruin your chances by scaring him off.
Save your best efforts for the next two levels.
The third level is what I call the “touchy-feely” level.
Here’s where it starts to get a little fun.
Aside from noticing that he’s already telling you how attracted he is to you, he also stops being shy around you and takes small risks, like holding your hand or wrapping his arm around your waist or shoulders when you’re taking a stroll.
At this point, you may think it’s finally time to ask him about getting into a more serious relationship. After all, if he can handle being touchy-feely with you, he can handle commitment, right?
Please, do yourself a favor — and don’t go thinking that his being touchy-feely is an indication that he’s already willing to commit to a deeper, long-term relationship.
But sadly, most women don’t know this — and end up doing things that prevent the relationship from moving on to the fourth and final level:
This is the only level when you can be sure — absolutely, completely sure — that he’s willing to commit to you for the long haul.
He starts talking about what it might be like if the two of you went steady.
He starts showing his interest in actually pursuing a serious relationship with you.
And he starts asking whether you’d be interested in spending the rest of your lives together.
Friends, THIS is the level you want to be with him. THIS is every single woman’s dream!
Wouldn’t it be great if you knew how to bring a relationship to this level — starting from the “friend” level, up to the “emotionally-available” level, then encouraging the “touchy-feely” level, and ultimately all the way up to the “love” level?
Great news — you CAN!
Turning Him From A Friend (“Friend” Level) Into A Lover (“Love” Level)
Here’s the funny thing about love and relationships — no matter how powerful and influential women may be getting in today’s society, relationships seem somehow “hard-wired” to encourage the man to lead things.
In other words, relationships in which the man moves things from the “friend” level, through the “emotionally-available” and “touchy-feely” levels, and all the way up to the “love” level, seem to work out better than when the woman takes the lead.
I know it’s sounds unfair to some. But I’ve realized that instead of challenging this phenomenon, it’s better to actually use it to your advantage.
I’ve come up with many great techniques that subtly encourage the man you’re with to take control of the relationship.
Many of my techniques don’t put you DIRECTLY in control, but actually INFLUENCE the relationship to take the course you want it to!
And, yes, there are so many of these techniques that they could fill an entire book.
Which they do, by the way. (Ahem.)
I love scratching the surface of what my ebook, 77 Secrets, can teach you about yourself, your man, and the relationship and life you want to lead, in these e-mails.
From LoveRomanceRelationship: Alexandra is the author of the well-loved book “77 Secrets to Make Him Love You” among others. If you’d like to learn more about how you can turn “the guy you like” into “the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you,” I highly recommend you grab yourself a copy of 77 Secrets — and the free bonus ebooks that go with it. Visit her webpage to find out about her book and learn from more of her fabulous advice about forming a relationship–>>