by Orna and Matthew Walters
This week’s relationship question about comes from Ann:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
My story is rather long and complicated so I’ll keep this as brief as possible. I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic household. There were absolutely no boundaries.
I’ve had lots of help and even attend a 12-step group. All this has been very helpful and it has really come down to me taking action, which has been scary.
My relationships with men have been dysfunctional and it has been a slow learning process in how to have a healthy relationship much less be able to imagine one. It seems the men I am most drawn to are into me in the beginning, we move too fast then I feel like I am tossed to the side. They seemingly move on.
Or, one in particular, came back around saying he wanted to be “friends” but he is married now. I really liked this man. Our conversations felt more than friends so once I found out he was married, I told him to hit the road.
I know logically it is not true that I am this unlovable, undeserving woman who can only get men half interested or only briefly. I guess my question is, with all the help I’ve had and as much as I have learned, what else is there left for me to do?
It is heartbreaking to really like someone only to have him ditch me or find out he is married. It is difficult to believe in the good things about me when I keep being reinforced that I am alone and no man wants me. ”
Our Relationship Advice to Ann:
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. We want to acknowledge you for taking a powerful first step – telling him to hit the road. This action is a loving action towards yourself and is a step towards believing that you are lovable and worth loving.
Feeling lovable, giving and receiving love are not about “Doing” but rather about “Being.”
The answer lies with who you are BEING. Our subconscious rules upwards of 90% of our behavior.
Certainly it is helpful to have an understanding of your past – why you are where you are, why you respond a particular way. Unfortunately, all the understanding in the world will not create change.
An excellent example of this is: Reading a book about a diet or nutrition can give you a lot of great information, however, at the end of the book you will not find that you weigh less.
The shift that you are looking for is not something that you put on like a coat, its more akin to releasing – like a colon cleanse – that allows you to strip away the decision you made about yourself at a very young age. This decision allowed you to receive love in your family of origin. This was not done consciously.
We all do this to receive love and we will continue to attempt to receive love in the same exact way until we change that decision. It’s the same as sitting at a stop sign and choosing to turn right or left – however right now you are not in control of the car.
In order to have this internal shift – you need the assistance of a professional.
Is it possible for you to do it on your own?
It is possible, however, it will take a very long time, and there will be a lot of trial and error. And, not to be harsh, but we all have a limited amount of time here on planet earth, and so your time may be up before you resolve this on your own.
If you had to fly a plane – could you do it? You sit down in the cockpit, and you look at all those knobs and buttons. You can drive a car so some things are familiar. Could you fly the plane all on your own? Probably not without crashing it a few dozen times.
A Relationship Is a Learned Process
Now we’re not certain why so many people decide to crash their love lives over and over and over again before getting instruction, although we feel it has to do with a ridiculous myth we are sold from the time that we are very young – that love is supposed to happen by accident.
Accidents are exactly what we will continue to create when we don’t get the help and instruction we need.
In complete transparency, we’d like to share that Orna has been exactly where you are. It’s because of Orna’s journey that we partnered together in life and in our business.
We know that you can have the shift you desire. We know that you can learn to love yourself and value yourself so much that you find a partner that meets you at that high level of love, value, and respect.
What is “left for you to do” is to make a choice – Are you going to continue to stumble on your own and continue to attempt to figure this out by accident? Or are you worthy of making an investment in yourself through a professional who can guide you to make the changes you desire?
If you choose you are worthy, and that the love you desire is worth making that investment, we hope you will choose us as your guide. We take our clients down the path you wish to walk on a regular basis and we would be truly honored to show you the way.
Love and Abundance,
Orna and Matthew
From Sarah: Orna and Matthew are the only couple working together coaching women on relationships getting the amazing kind of results I personally know they’re getting – you’ll LOVE their ebook-plus-audio program Get Your Mr. Right – Right Now! – it will turn around EVERYTHING you believed about getting the lifelong love you want and help you so fast it’s incredible – just check out Get Your Mr. Right here to get the relationship you want->