by Ruth Purple
I’ve recently just broken up from a 7-year relationship. I still can’t understand why. I mean, we were planning to get married next year when he comes back home from working outside the country but without any explanation he ended our relationship just like that.
I’m still reeling from the shock. The only reason he gave for the break-up was that he didn’t want to keep sacrificing only to end up destitute in the end. I take that to mean that he wants the freedom to do what he wants in order to be well-off.
I care for him and love him so much that’s why this really hurts a lot. I know that I have to move on from this but, I don’t know what I should do. Can you please help me.
Thank you, Shay
No one can truly understand the pain of a break-up except the one that has suffered from it. Depending on the relationship the degree of pain you will feel will vary. But the pain will still be the pain regardless.
Moving on can be difficult, especially if you still have lingering feelings for the other person. And why not?
After being together for a long time, in your case for 7 years, it’s only natural to have a strong link with the other person. That’s something that won’t be that easy to sever. Unfortunately, even if you may not want to, you do have to move on.
The other person may be doing the same thing so you shouldn’t be stuck in the rut by yourself, right?
It’s over. That’s the first thing that you should face up to.
That may be hard to deal with but that’s the reality you need to understand. You’ll deny this of course and that’s a perfectly normal human reaction to everything – denial. From there you then become angry with him for doing this to you. You don’t need that.
Being bitter over him won’t change the reality. Your relationship is still over and you just wind up being bitter. Of course the next progression won’t be much better – blaming yourself for the break-up. You’ll feel sorry for yourself and that will only lead to self-loathing. OK stop right there.
Let me say this clearly so you won’t misunderstand: STOP blaming yourself.
In Any Relationship No One Person Is to Blame
If you do that I’m going to slap you back to your senses. If I was right there with you of course. The reason I don’t want you to blame yourself is because it will quickly slide you into depression. Once you get down that far it’s difficult to get out of it because you’ll be weighted down by guilt, helplessness, and remorse.
Hey now stop hyperventilating. I’m not saying you will definitely hit rock bottom. I’m telling you so you understand what you may go through, unless you take control. And taking control is important. It tells you that you are moving on. And by taking control you can focus on things that will actually release you from the bondage of your ended relationship.
And what do you focus on? Let me share with you things you can do so you can move on.
1) Immerse yourself. Cry if you feel like it. There’s no shame in that. Of course you’ll cry – a long-term relationship with the man you love just ended. Despite the result you still have the memories of your time together and that by itself is worth crying over. But just because I said you can cry doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stop. Do it for one day then snap out of it. You still have your life ahead of you. Don’t derail it by becoming a teary-eyed mess.
2) If you’re not going to cry, or if you feel like crying just isn’t enough then by all means get angry. After all it is part of the coping process. Let it all out. Scream, rant, rave, whatever it takes. Even better do it in a productive way. Take up boxing for example, or Tae-Bo.
Release that anger while doing something that helps you get out of it is way better than just releasing your anger by hitting your head against the wall. It won’t do anything for your wall and your head won’t be any better either. And you wind up with two huge bills to fix your wall and your head, so now you become doubly down.
Personally, I would recommend the former and definitely not the latter.
3) Don’t romanticize your past. Reminiscing about the “happy days” is normal but don’t dwell on it for too long. Romanticizing your past will only make you long for him. Don’t play these mind games with yourself. Just treat the memories as simply memories, much like any other memories that you have. Doing that makes it easier for you to move on from all of this.
4) Total communications black-out. And I mean TOTAL communications black-out. No calls, no texting, no IMs, no e-mails, no seeing his friends and family, no checking his Facebook or Myspace account, NOTHING. I know it sounds harsh but it’s for the best.
You don’t want to suffer a relapse just when you’re about to be over him. And that can happen if you communicate with him. Once that happens, it can get even harder to get out of it. You can start communicating with him once you’re finally over him. And that’s when you don’t get dreary eyed just by thinking of him. How’s that?
5) Surround yourself with people you love and trust like your family and closest friends. You can vent yourself to them while they give you comfort and support. Yes they can be nosy busy-bodies but they will the ones who will get you out of your rut or give you a wake up call if they think you’re going down the wrong path.
It pays to have family and friends like those. I know. :-)
6) Keep yourself busy, stay active, clean-up and get organized. You have a social calendar – fill it. Go out with friends and have fun. Concentrate on your work. Learn a new skill. Rearrange your pad. Simply put, do something other than thinking about your past relationship.
Keep your mind busy with something else. The more you do that, the more likely you will forget about the past event. Once that happens you can look forward to your next step: Finding your Mr. Right.
There is a Relationship in Your Future
You heard me – finding your Mr. Right. It’s an ocean of choices out there. One is bound to be Mr. Right, right? But I must warn you, don’t be fooled by the first Mr. Right that comes along. They call it rebound love. Any guy that comes along and shows compassion for you will seem like the Mr. Right from where you’re standing.
And that’s not the way to find Mr. Right. It will take a strong will but you shouldn’t do it just because you want a replacement. Not only is it not fair for you, it’s also not fair for the other person.
After all, rebound affairs don’t typically last long. Instead prepare yourself for when you meet Mr. Right.
The most important thing is how you cope with it. That’s why I put together this guide that will help you find your very own Mr. Right. It’s easy to get your copy here–>>
Everything comes down to having the right perspective for your emotions to follow. Use the experience to make yourself stronger. In the end you can experience a loving relationship with Mr. Right.
Until next we meet,
From Sarah: Ruth is a stupendous and experienced relationship coach, who can help you gain perspective when dealing with infidelity in your relationship. You can find more relationship advice from her and information about her book, “You Can Get Him Back” –>>