men and porn by Dominique

Are you feeling distraught over what you think you know about men and porn? More importantly YOUR man and porn? Are you feeling desperate? Are you in pain? Do you feel inadequate? Insecure? Less than? Not enough in some way or in every way? Do you fear he prefers porn over you?

You are SO not alone in this. When I first discovered my man liked to look at porn on the internet, I thought my whole world was going to fall to pieces around my ears. I had no idea if I could even continue to be with him.

But we had been together three years at this point, and if I hadn’t happened upon his porn, to this day I would likely not know. He was and still is always loving and attentive and very sexual with me. I felt SO confused.

If nothing else registers here, please let it be this. Your man’s viewing and enjoyment of porn is NOT about YOU; it has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

Unless he’s an addict, and this would be an entirely different situation than what I am discussing here, then this is simply a pastime or a habit which YOU are having a hard time with because it’s triggering some things deep within you that finding your man’s porn has brought forward.

Men are just wired differently than women. They are far more visual, more easily aroused by visuals, and they enjoy being aroused. Don’t you?

BUT there is a big difference between men and women in their responses.

When we women see someone who attracts us whether in a photo or on the computer, TV, or movie screen or in the flesh, we are far more prone to go off into fantasies about this person. We very quickly create an emotional connection which can include all our senses in our imaginations.

Men on the other hand become briefly aroused, and that’s the end of it. He’s onto the next thing, a news article, business at hand, sports. The OBJECT of arousal is forgotten already.

We can linger with our memory of this person we saw briefly for hours, days, months even. This is NOT so for men.

Now I use the word object on purpose. If your man loves and is in love with you, someone to whom he is devoted, body, mind, heart, and soul, other women are simply that, objects of arousal. When he sees or thinks about you on the other hand, you are his FIGURE of DESIRE, a REAL life, three-dimensional woman, a figure he ADORES.

This may sound strange, but OTHER WOMEN ARE GOOD FOR YOU. Other women keep your man’s juices flowing for YOU.

Men can get quick buzzes of arousal building throughout the day or a couple of days to bring to US, and with far greater desire. Other women fuel the fires of their lust for US.

Your man does NOT want those other women. He wants YOU.

Men And Porn Has Become A Strange Yet Interesting Phenomenon

Men are not so much programmed socially to look at porn, though that can certainly play a role, as men are hard-wired to look at women. It’s the biological spreading of the seed thing. In eras past men would act on this all the time, far more than now, for the most part. Nowadays men look at nudie pictures or video clips, movies. It really doesn’t mean anything.

Men simply love to look at women. It makes them feel good, but again there is NO emotional context, connection, not even likely in their fantasies.

This is an issue that you may not resolve within yourself quickly. This will likely be a process. If you find yourself deeply troubled over men and porn, it’s an indication that you have some things to deal with that go far deeper and beyond porn.

This is a tremendous opportunity to look at and release old habits and patterns, protections that no longer serve you and in fact hinder your growth as a sensuous, loving woman.

And There Are Many Ways To Ease Your Journey Involving Men And Porn As You Work To Shed Old Issues.

  1. Learning how to communicate with your man so he can not only hear you but maybe help you with your healing is a key piece.

Confrontations or even a “can we talk?” will cause your man to shut down. Speaking your feelings from the heart on the other hand will not. Briefly, just tell him how you feel. That’s it.

He may or may not respond. It doesn’t matter. This is about you. As an example, “I feel really nervous bringing this up, but it’s been bothering me and making me feel bad. I feel so insecure and just so not good enough when I think about you looking at pictures of other women, especially naked ones. It just feels so awful.”

That’s all you need to say. Don’t expect anything, not resolution or even a reply. If you get one great, but don’t expect it. Keep talking about how you feel using those words exactly, “I feel…” You can also ask him for his help with this. Men love to help.

  1. Meditation and journalling are wonderfully helpful as a catharsis and as tools to work through emotions, ease the pain as more and more of your stuff rises to the surface asking to be cleared away.
  2. Having someone close to you, someone you trust with whom to talk is a hugely hurt abating practice.
  3. Finding like minded individuals via the internet is great for not feeling so alone, and the women on a good site will be unbiasedly supportive.
  4. And you may also have to come to accept, at least mostly, that porn will probably never go away, and that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

No matter what your man tells you, that he will stop etc., he probably won’t, and believe me when I say you would much rather have it out in the open than hidden from you. This creates secrets between you two, and SECRETS are DAMAGING. They will cause rifts between you.

  1. NOW think about sharing some porn with him. It may help you see for yourself how SO it’s not what you’ve imagined it as. And who knows, this may turn out to be a lovely new thing to add to your sexual repertoire, with him or alone even.

You may never feel totally fine with porn, but you CAN come to a place where you are mostly okay with it, and you may even come to embrace it sometimes.

Work on your own healing first, and then decide if you can learn to live with porn. If your man loves you, is attentive and loving towards you the vast majority of the time, what does it matter if he likes to warm himself up with porn, FOR YOU?

If it ever becomes something where he neglects you, gets himself off with porn more than with you, then you may have cause for concern. He like most men, would rather save it, but don’t worry or fret if your man does orgasm to it now and then. It’s normal especially the younger he is.

Know that you CAN HEAL from this. It may take time, a little patience, but when it comes down to choice, men and porn or you alone by yourself, if your man is truly a good one, then he will be worth it, porn and all.

From Sarah – Dominique is a woman I trust with my life – her personal story is amazing, and her gifts for helping us women heal our hearts, bodies and emotions AND heal our men, too – especially around everything sexual and sensual –  is something you’ll want to take advantage of in her free newsletters…just go here to get great advice, including some great help around men and porn

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