by Jeffrey Mark Levine
Here’s a great question from a reader that just about sums up nearly every difficulty in a relationship or marriage:
“How do I get my man to stop doing all this stuff he does that hurts our relationship, and start paying me more attention instead of spending his time doing things like going out with his guy friends (and not even telling me beforehand)?”
I don’t know why he’s doing this (whatever he’s doing) but the real issue I hear is:
“Why can’t you two talk about what’s going on?”
Here’s the thing: Guys like to fix things.
Men Like To Be The Solution To Problems And In A Relationship, It’s Very Hard For Them To Hear That They Are The Cause Of The Problem.
So in order to have a constructive conversation where you can hopefully make it clear to him what is on your mind and what is bothering you, is for you to keep the focus on what’s going on for you – YOUR experience of the situation happening.
Give him a chance to respond in his own way without having to defend himself.
I know you’re just giving me a specific example – he didn’t call you before he went with the guys for dinner, and you may have said it any number ways.
But I want you from this point forward, to take a look when you’re talking to him, are you talking about him to him?
Are you telling him that you disapprove of what he’s doing?
Are you accusing him of doing things that you don’t like?
And if you are it’s going to be very difficult to have a conversation that will get you the result that you want – which is for him to be more attentive to your needs.
(But its all his fault) It may or may not be.
There’s no question that if he is not taking your feelings into consideration before he makes dinner plans that that is an action that he has taken.
How you choose to react to it is completely what you have control over.
No Matter How Long You’ve Been In A Relationship Or Marriage With Him – You Cannot Ever Control Him
You can control yourself so we can talk about how you can control your piece of the situation in a way that makes him want to open up and connect with you in the way that you hope – because obviously what you’re doing now isn’t working.
Are you willing to shift how you approach the situation as well?
If you had a relationship or marriage that’s gone on for a while, where the communication has been less than complete or not very clean, or where the communication hasn’t been good, it’s not something that’s going to turnaround overnight.
You are going to have to make a committed effort to approach the problem a little differently in order to elicit a different response from him.
In order to save your marriage, doing things differently may require you, at least at the beginning, of just accepting some of your feelings about what he’s doing – if he is making plans without checking with you first that’s going to continue to be frustrating and make you angry.
You’re probably wishing you could just change some things about your husband. And you’ve probably heard that it’s impossible to change anyone. But Jeffrey Mark Levine has news for you, because he’s found a fast and effective way to change the dynamic in your relationship with your husband and get more of what you need in your marriage–>>