Here is an excerpt of a relationship e-mail I received from a woman who is bemoaning what she thought was her man’s inability to connect with her or maybe difficulty in connecting with her due to his fears.
And she asked me what I suggested she do about this, what to say to him, how to behave around him.
“I am having some challenges with someone I am in early stages of dating at the moment – generally my problem is that I find it very hard to know what I should do sometimes, persist or let go…. So when I got your latest email last night, I had a massive jolt – all along I have been telling myself I am strong, independent and not scared to love or be loved, to trust…
Well, after reading, I realized in a big way, that I DO have fear, I just couldn’t see it before, the way I understood it. It was a bit of a shock! All along I was focusing on was his fear and how I didn’t like how it felt to be on the receiving end of that.”
My Take On This Relationship
This man apparently has a history of attracting “ice queens” which plays very nicely into his fears. He cannot get close to someone who won’t let him in, and these women have been perfect for him, giving him an easy, convenient out of any “real” relationship. These women support his claim that there are only cold women out there.
But he is the one who is attracted to this kind of woman, not so much the other way around. (though we could go into this hypothesizing that we attract and are attracted to equally) And this stems from his fear to connect on a deeper level, his fear to be truly intimate with another person, a woman.
He keeps women at arm’s length further supporting this life he has created for himself for whatever reason.
And these are all valid things to look at and think about.
BUT really the important thing here for this woman, I’ll call her Marie, is that SHE MANIFESTED THIS kind of a MAN into her life, a man who has this kind of fear. This is not co-incidence.
Though she was unaware of this until now, this man has been in some ways perfect for her. She does indeed have fear, and he is giving HER an ideal reason for not connecting to another person, a man, on a deeper level, being truly intimate just as he has done.
She was so focused on him, she lost sight of herself and the role she was playing here.
You know how I speak frequently of bringing things back to you? I don’t always only mean taking care of you, being kind and gentle with yourself, having work you enjoy, hobbies which feel fun, friends with whom you connect well.
And it’s not just about keeping your energy and focus off of him. You know, the common state we women can find ourselves in, fretting about what your man is thinking, doing, feeling.
You already know that one of the best things you can do for YOU is to turn off your tapes, and one of the healthiest thing to do for the relationship is to immerse yourself in YOU; taking of your sacred temple, your body; taking care of your brain and your spirit, your passions; taking care of your heart, your friends and family.
And though these elements are very important, there is more to this, more to bringing things back to you. If your man is displaying characteristics which make you feel confused or annoyed or angry or in despair, have a look within yourself to see if maybe he’s not reflecting a part of you back to you.
When you find yourself focused on his emotional lacks, have a look at your own emotional lacks, your own areas which still need healing before you can heal a relationship.
Are they maybe eerily similar to his? IS YOUR MAN YOUR MIRROR?
So in Marie’s case, I pointed out to her how that the ice queen was in her as well, even as warm and lovely and loving as she is. She too was carrying some of the cool characteristics, the guardedness which her man complains of and which he must surely feel on some level in her. She was another “safe” bet, since this is what he’s attracted to.
Though Marie has been exhibiting some of these qualities her man has been attracted to, she has also been different than the others. She does have a warm and accepting side. And since this part of her flies in the face of what he feels comfortable with, as a result, one of the things he did was to acquire a habit of voicing blatant appreciation for other women in her presence which feels so hurtful to her.
Even if he genuinely felt attraction to these other women, as with most men, it would be a fleeting thought. A man without his fears or at least a diminished version of them, would keep these thoughts to himself where they belong. They are truly benign thoughts, as quickly gone as formed.
But since he feels compelled to speak his thoughts out loud, I see this is as an extension of his fear, an act which is attempting to pushing her away since his comfort levels are being challenged with her.
Since this has occurred more than once, it would be appropriate to tell him that this kind of expression makes you feel awful, makes you feel not enough or whatever it is you feel. And add that you don’t want to feel this way with him.
But really there are deeper things going on here. This is merely a symptom. It’s not clear at this point if this man is capable of a “real” relationship, for his issues seem to run deeply which isn’t to say he can’t heal them, but he has to want to. And this isn’t Marie’s responsibility.
What If He’s Not Ready For a Real Relationship
If you are with a man such as this, I would suggest please proceeding with caution. And please don’t expect to be able to change him. Please don’t expect anything. Expectations usually lead to disappointment.
And what it really comes down to is what can and cannot be tolerated, what the deal breakers are for you. Are these things you could learn to live with even if NOTHING around them ever changed. Does the rest that is good outweigh these things that bother you? These are serious questions to ask yourself.
But no matter what Marie’s decision is, this is a wonderful opportunity for her to go even more deeply inside herself and uncover some more of her own fears, discover her own ice queen goddess, love her and then warm her up.
If you are with a man who gives you pause, know that the more you heal YOU, the more you keep your focus on you, taking exquisite care of you in all ways, not worrying about what he’s thinking, doing, saying, the more you can keep your heart open and vulnerable, no matter how you feel, no matter what he does or doesn’t do, the better you will feel AND the safer he will feel with you, making him feel loved and accepted. AND the better chance you have of having the relationship you want.
There may be a great many not so great men out there and if you find yourself with one, take a really good, hard LOOK IN the MIRROR he’s providing for you. And embrace this as the gift it really can be. Healing yourself is precious and wonderful, and if someone is in your life presenting you with one such as this, how about accepting it appreciatively.
And know that there are many wonderful men out there too. The more you raise your energy, the more you heal YOU and maybe via these men in your mirror, the more better quality men will appear. Whether it be this man or another one better suited for you.
From The Editors: We love Dominique as a person, and think she’s one of the best coaches around. She’s the ONLY coach we recommend to women who want to open their hearts and find their true selves in a deep emotional, physical, spiritual, sensual and sexual way. Start with her ebook “Sex and Heart” – and then email her for coaching for your relationship->