by Rori Raye
If you’ve ever found yourself confused about a man’s feelings for you and spending your valuable love and energy second- guessing yourself all the time, it’s time to reverse all that and put YOURSELF FIRST. You can do it so much more easily than you think – no matter what anyone else tells you. Raising your self-esteem isn’t about acting cool and as though you don’t care if your man is hot or if he’s cold – it’s about caring how YOU FEEL. And really caring whether or not you FEEL GOOD.
Have you ever been with a man who blows so hot and then so cold that you never know where you stand with him? And you feel so tense and on edge that you can only relax when he’s WITH you, and you never know WHEN he’ll be with you? Where you never know how it’s going to go, or how he’s going to act, and so you’re thinking about EVERYTHING over and over again before it even happens?
Before I discovered how to NOT have this happen to me, I was the Queen of “working things out in my head.” I’d watch his face carefully for any sign that he was going to “go cold” so I could try to head that off. (And of course I was doing all the wrong things to stop him from going cold and so usually just made him go even colder.)
I’d ASK him things because I was trying to find out what was going to happen. I’d ask him when we were going to see each other, or ask him where he was going, or ask him when we were going to spend time together, or see that movie, or when he’d call me (so I’d be sure and be available).
And I’d do it in what I thought was such a non-pressuring way. I’d ask him things out of curiosity. Or caring. Or just because my schedule was so “busy” that I “needed to know our plans.” And it always had the same effect.
No matter how I asked, or what I did, it pushed him further away. I remember actually SEEING his face cloud over and his body move backward. But I didn’t have a clue what else to do, so I kept doing the same things over and over again. I remember thinking it was about the MAN. I thought if I did the same things over and over, and if the MAN were DIFFERENT – he’d respond differently. That it would finally work. But it never did.
It never even occurred to me that if the man were DIFFERENT – I wouldn’t even have to ASK for anything! This good man would just AUTOMATICALLY be making me FEEL happy and secure. It wasn’t until I started dating my husband that I saw how that worked.
With him, I actually EXPERIENCED how love and relationship isn’t supposed to be so hard.
And yet, even with him – I almost pushed him away. I foolishly let him move in when my roommate moved out. I set up house with him without an engagement ring – even though I’d made it clear that I “didn’t want a boyfriend,” I wanted a “husband.”
And after more months than I wanted to wait went by, and he seemed “unready” and “afraid” of committing to marriage, I finally figured out what I needed to do for myself. One of the biggest things was undoing the idea that he “had” me already, and could stall as long as he wanted, because we were already living together.
AND IF I COULD DO IT, “SHAKEY” AND “STUCK” AS I WAS and with no help from professionals, or girlfriends in better situations than I was to guide me…
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