rori1.jpg by Rori Raye

If you’ve ever found yourself confused about a man’s feelings for you and spending your valuable love and energy second- guessing yourself all the time, it’s time to reverse all that and put YOURSELF FIRST. You can do it so much more easily than you think – no matter what anyone else tells you. Raising your self-esteem isn’t about acting cool and as though you don’t care if your man is hot or if he’s cold – it’s about caring how YOU FEEL. And really caring whether or not you FEEL GOOD.

Have you ever been with a man who blows so hot and then so cold that you never know where you stand with him? And you feel so tense and on edge that you can only relax when he’s WITH you, and you never know WHEN he’ll be with you? Where you never know how it’s going to go, or how he’s going to act, and so you’re thinking about EVERYTHING over and over again before it even happens?

Before I discovered how to NOT have this happen to me, I was the Queen of “working things out in my head.” I’d watch his face carefully for any sign that he was going to “go cold” so I could try to head that off. (And of course I was doing all the wrong things to stop him from going cold and so usually just made him go even colder.)

I’d ASK him things because I was trying to find out what was going to happen. I’d ask him when we were going to see each other, or ask him where he was going, or ask him when we were going to spend time together, or see that movie, or when he’d call me (so I’d be sure and be available).

why is a man hot and coldAnd I’d do it in what I thought was such a non-pressuring way. I’d ask him things out of curiosity. Or caring. Or just because my schedule was so “busy” that I “needed to know our plans.” And it always had the same effect.

No matter how I asked, or what I did, it pushed him further away. I remember actually SEEING his face cloud over and his body move backward. But I didn’t have a clue what else to do, so I kept doing the same things over and over again. I remember thinking it was about the MAN. I thought if I did the same things over and over, and if the MAN were DIFFERENT – he’d respond differently. That it would finally work. But it never did.

It never even occurred to me that if the man were DIFFERENT – I wouldn’t even have to ASK for anything! This good man would just AUTOMATICALLY be making me FEEL happy and secure. It wasn’t until I started dating my husband that I saw how that worked.

With him, I actually EXPERIENCED how love and relationship isn’t supposed to be so hard.

And yet, even with him – I almost pushed him away. I foolishly let him move in when my roommate moved out. I set up house with him without an engagement ring – even though I’d made it clear that I “didn’t want a boyfriend,” I wanted a “husband.”

And after more months than I wanted to wait went by, and he seemed “unready” and “afraid” of committing to marriage, I finally figured out what I needed to do for myself. One of the biggest things was undoing the idea that he “had” me already, and could stall as long as he wanted, because we were already living together.

AND IF I COULD DO IT, “SHAKEY” AND “STUCK” AS I WAS and with no help from professionals, or girlfriends in better situations than I was to guide me…

To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here for her -> Free Relationship Advice eLetters

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  1. miss Delicate on January 1, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    Hi everyone, I don’t know were to begin. I met this man nearly two months ago. He called me almost everyday for the past two months. We been on a couple of dates he met my daughter. We have not yet slept together but find other ways to entertain ourselves. what I really want to know is that his mom came to visit for the holidays for about two week. He was still calling me an even visiting me but the last week that she was here he didn’t cal me for a week even I would call and it was like no response for sometime. I haven’t really called him in the two months that we met. An now the calls stop. He visited me on Christmas morning after christmas he stops calling me so I decided to cal him after three days went by, he cal right back or sometimes didn’t cal at all so I decided to give up an let him. Just be, just when I thought it was over he comes to see me on new years eve, he tells me that it was really stressful when his mom was here an they just left, But my question is why have the calls stops what do I do I’ve been mellow so far an just trying to see what’s the best way to get him for myself,

  2. dolfacewantmor on January 15, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    this is soo true. this is exactly what i’m learning right now. it would be hard to catch me, then he would want me to be ‘his’ then i would be all his.. then he would be hot and cold. why?? because women want to marry when they find ‘the one’ men want to marry when it’s time.

    this is just so true. the best way to keep a man is to date other men. you can be monogamous sexually.. but ALWAYS keep your options open. i plan to keep my options open now until i’m ready to marry and until i find someone who is ready to marry when i am.

    it has made my current relationship so much better. he keeps asking me to be his gf again, but i tell him i cannot commit now especially when it’s unsure whether that commitment will last from his side on the long run.

    why would i commit now as a gf, just to wait to see if he will want to marry in the future? that’s what a gf does (unless they can actually say they can see themselves marrying you, etc.)… becoming their gf means that they claim you for the time so that you can’t have options, though he still will. women have a biological clock. men don’t.

    don’t commit without their commitment! keep your options open until you find the ‘one’ at the right time. otherwise, girls, you will properly torture yourself


  3. BK on January 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    This is truly, the best article I have read about this topic so far

  4. SF on January 24, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I’m currently having this problem with my (currently ex) boyfriend of almost a year! He talks of our future but refuses to allow me to leave my shaving cream on an EMPTY shelf on his shower (I know because every visit I clean his place but that shelf is never dirty). I left underwear at his place my last few visits but when I returned they were all gone. I’ve lost about 7 pairs of underwear at his place and they’re all gone. Just today I told him I needed a break and thanks to your advice and book I’m going to make a better tomorrow for myself. Thank you!!!!

  5. Liz on January 28, 2012 at 3:53 am

    Thank you so, so much for this. It’s exactly what I needed. The only thing that worries me is that if I do start seeing other guys, he’ll say “alright, I’ll move on then”
    But I’ll definitely try this. If it’s not meant to be, it’s just not meant to be. Everything should fall into place. I shouldn’t try to make things happen. Thank you again.

  6. BC on February 1, 2012 at 8:23 am


    After reading all the problems and issues everyone has been or are going through, its made me feel better.

    My bf and I have been together for almost 8 months. We went through a rough patch were he wasnt seeing anyone and wanted time alone. He was in touch with me but no one else. He was very hot and cold with everyone. This happened a few months back.

    We overcame that and everything well back to normal, well so I thought. He recently became distant and wasnt speaking to me properly. So I was ringing and texting him and he still wasnt clear with me. I felt abit clingy trying to talk to him but then with him not calling back, I had to get to the bottom of this.

    I asked his work partner and he said he has a habit of going through a phase were he wants to be left alone to do his own stuff. So I didnt question it, but asked why he was treating me like one of his friends. His friends would just leave him and get on with things and he’d come back when he’s ready. My point is that Im not just a friend, Im his gf.

    I tried to talk to him but he said was busy and was texting me instead. He asked if I was okay and my answer was no not really. I wasnt too nice to him and I told him exactly how I felt. I told him that I dont know what ive done to upset him that he wont see me. He hasnt been in touch unless I contact him and he replied saying that I havent done anything wrong and that he needs his space and I keep talking about us. Not being able to talk to him, it is driving me crazy as I keep thinking that it is something to do with us.

    He’s not been rude in the sense that he will answer my calls and text back. what is my next step? Ive had alot of people say that he’s an idiot and that I should leave him and throw in the towel.

    The truth is that I love him and im hoping that its a rough patch we’re going through. I dont want to throw in the towel and give up because Im not the kind to give up. If anything, I want to be able to talk things through and move forward.

    Now that he’s asked for space. I feel better that he’s said what he wants. But then I dont want to give him too much space that he’ll forget about me. At the same time, I dont want to do all the communicating to make the relationship work. Its not beein easy waiting for him to contact me. Ive been trying to keep myself busy and get on with things, but sometimes I cant help wonder what he’s doing. He’s been on fb and has been out with his friends.

    His mates have told me that Im too good for him and that he is abit of a loser. But he isnt. Ive got to know him and he’s not bad. He isnt perfect either. None of us are.

    I think Im gna let him be. If he doesnt contact me, then I guess I know my answer.

    What do you think?

  7. ke on February 3, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    I been wit my bf for a year in 5 months now it seem everything going down hill we dont talk much i dont see him intell at night in when i do we fuse alot he the type that want me to do everything he say which i dont think that i should i do luv him but at times it seem that he a user when i ask him for money he say iam useing him i mean how when i get mind i give him more than he ever give me in a day i dont think i can take this should i just move on cause things dont seem right any more

  8. hannah on February 17, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Ive been with my boyfriend for a while now, but he wont go near me in public.
    We go to college together, but when I see him around the most he does in smile and say hi, but when we are on our own he is amazing and caring and makes me happy… so what should I do? Im starting to feel like he’s embarrass of me, when I started to like him I thought I wasn’t his type at all, he normally goes for Barbie doll girls, who are tall and skinny and to put it frankly I am the complete opposite ……

  9. Jason on February 21, 2012 at 12:11 am

    Ladies, please. Don’t date other men. Seriously. That’s horrible.

    While I do agree that the ‘eye for an eye’ mentality is appealing (and a very quick fix for feeling terrible during those hot/cold periods), if it’s reached a point where a guy is dating other people than you should make your escape as soon as possible. If they’re just a bit off from time to time than visibly opening up your options is a surefire way to either send them running or ignite the fires of the dreaded crazy train, and neither of those options are fun. Just be honest. Don’t play games, don’t eat your feelings. Be honest. It’ll calm his fears and make him reflect positively on being with you, all while giving him a much-needed ego boost.

    But don’t start flirting around or dating other guys. That’s cruel.

  10. L on February 27, 2012 at 3:08 am

    Ladies it so sad we all have to go through this. I was married for a long time and things just ended one day. I like this guy but this hot and cold is hurting my brain. When i want to move on It’s hard cause i say he will come around sooner or later.I feel like i’m running behind him and he just don’t care. I so tired of being lonely. but my heart won’t let me go out and met new guys. I pray but i’m still home like fool wishing and crying to myself. Where do we have to be treated so cold. at I even ask god lord u gave us woman these big loving hearts. then how come man have to take are feeling and destory them like they do. All i want is beside god is that i found someone to treat me like a queen and love me unconditional and faithful and trustly, like god does. I pray if it’s not ment then lord remove these feeling. ladies i’m so confused i just feel like we all fool ourself. But at the sametime i’m lose HELP me please understand were we deserve this kind of treatment. I’m trying so hard not to put up awall against mans. cause i know someday god going me that man and i’m going push him away cause of the nogood one that have taken my feeling for a game. where the real man at that care and mind sharing there true feeling ,caring, and love. I need some answer. Ladys and gentleman please.we all must keep our head up. i just dont know how much longer i can take this from him. sometime i feel like it’s worth it to just go on. but the heart say stand still (really)thanks

  11. P on February 28, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Ladies – in half of these cases your men likely have Borderline Personality Disorder… A lot of people have it… Set limits and boundaries and do a little reading – it will all make sense. A good therapist will set you all straight…it did for me. Love yourself first – only you can make yourself whole. Once you set some limits and boundaries, watch him change. Good luck!

  12. season on March 3, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Hi Carla,

    I can relate to your situation I was with my ex for 7 years and we lived together for 3yrs. He left me and I later found out because he met someone else. He didn’t even break up with me in person, it was through a text msg. After finding this out it made me feel like I was 2nd to someone new too. After he left he did keep in contact with me he contacted me first matter of fact. What I was told was there was no one else and that we just had too many problems and maybe we could work out these problems. We spoke on the phone all the time after our breakup and he occasionally came by. I found out about this girl on my own. I knew nothing about her at all, like I said he told me there was no one else. I found out he was cheating on me for 5 months with this girl and left our 7 year relationship for her. She knew about me, she knew my name even. She also knew we lived together but he told her I was his ex and he was looking for a place to stay. This hurt me in the worst way he made me feel stupid you know. He acted like the whole time it was me but it was because he found someone else. Carla it still hurts until this day and just last wk he called me and told me that their relationship is nothing like ours and he doesn’t feel comfortable in it. He believes it wasn’t meant for us to be together right now but he believes in the future we will be. Well this is how he feels right now he made sure I knew that. I told him I was still in love with him, and he said he was still in love with me. I told him he doesn’t have to say that I don’t feel like this is true. He says it is but you know what if he was would he be in another relationship right now? This week he hasn’t called me at all just a lousy text msg.
    Carla, I’m no better than you, but we can’t let these men think we will be on reserve until they are tired of chasing and ready to just settle down with the person they know will never leave them. This is not good enough I love my ex with all my heart. I don’t think I will ever love another man as much as I love him. Just this week I decided if I have to choose between him and myself I choose myself because he’s not. The nerve he wants me to choose him??? If we are ever going to have the shoe fall off the other foot (his) we have to choose ourselves, love ourselves, learn our worth and put our value back on the market. If we can’t do this for ourselves how can we ever expect for him to? Carla, what he is doing is not healthy for you, he is not respecting you as a woman, and why because you are not respecting yourself. We can never tell a man we are willing to share, no a man is not something we want to share, we devalue ourselves by doing this. I know I shouldn’t of told my ex I’m still in love with him, but he was contacting me and missing me and I thought that it would finally be ok to tell him this. It wasn’t, now that he knows this he feels like he still has time to keep feeling this new relationship out. He’ll call again but no time soon. See I have mastered not calling him and being obsessed and he was scared that I was over him he kind of told me this. Then I gave him confirmation I was not I will never make that mistake again.
    Carla I need you to make the decision you come first,and love yourself like I did just this week. We are our own advertiser, promoter and if we don’t beleive what we’re selling no one else will. Be confident, strong, sexy, happy,loving woman without him trust me he will contact you. By then hopefully you’ll know what to do I’m just figuring this all out myself as well.
    :) smile always


  13. season on March 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Hi Jasmine,
    I’m so happy everything worked out for you. It just kills me though that we have to play so many games. Why I can’t just let him know how I feel. Why do men love to chase I mean what if this woman really doesn’t love him he gives her everything anyway because he hopes this will make her confess her love for him. I think the person you are suppose to be with will love you for confessing your love everytime you get or not. I do realize everyone is different but it has to be someone for everyone. I mean I like to confess my love for the person I’m with and I can live my life separate from him if I want but I don’t want. I want to be with him every chance I get and I want us to be the best of friends. I just don’t understand why it can’t just be this way without saying oh your so clingy. Well I will keep living on my own and maintaining my own happiness this person will come in time.

  14. not happy on March 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    I feel we all know this stuff already really maybe someones need to get a life. Thanks for not helping at all.

  15. Allison on March 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I hadn’t realized this was such a common occurrance?!? I recently just starting dating a guy who is completely hot and cold yet this was the first guy like this I had encountered. After reading this article I understand things a little better and will definetly be putting myself and my life first from now on! This is a huge change from my waiting around for him! Excellent!

  16. feeling confused on February 11, 2014 at 11:37 am

    I recently reunited with a classmate over facebook. We got to talking and couldn’t stop. We both fell fast and ended up telling each other we loved each other. I finally went to meet him and we hit it off great. Yes we did sleep together and the next morning as well. But then it changed like almost immediately. He still told me he loved me when I left but I felt it was different so I messaged him and told him that I felt like things changed after we slept together. He told me that he wasn’t over his ex wife who was remarried and a few other things were going on in his life that he just couldn’t have a relationship right now. But just 2 weeks before that he was saying I was everything he ever wanted and couldn’t wait to start our lives together. I still go see him and he still holds me and we have slept together we just haven’t spoken the “L” word since. I really love this guy and he is so perfect. I just don’t know what to do.

  17. Barbie on February 13, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Hi, I’ve been recently seeing this guy. Never official, but dating since September. Around Thanksgiving he told me that he needed to be my friend more than hooking up right now. Mind you I’m separated right now so it was hard for me at 1st. I was very resistant to let him in but he would text me non-stop and say sweet thing like he was thinking about me. He went out with friends and the next day text me and said he thought about me all night. He was sweet and then I finally let myself to start falling for him. I guess it got too much and my husband would constantly start fights with me and the other guy was like someone I could talk to bc he had been through it. Thanksgiving he said he just wanted to be my friend and I was hurt but said ok. After thanksgiving a little into December he text me one day and things took off again. He was away for work and we would talk all day and night. One day he text me saying he had a problem and needed money so I put money in his acct. we still continued to talk and everything was great. He came home right before Xmas and the weekend after Xmas was when I finally saw him again since thanksgiving. He had gotten me a Xmas gift and the money back that he borrowed. That night was the 1st night he told me he’d fallen in love with me. Everything was fantastic for a few weeks then one day in the middle of January he never text me and when I finally did he said he was busy so I said ok. He avoided me that whole week then finally Saturday he told me he needed space and I needed to fix myself and love myself 1st bc the separation did take a toll on me. So I said ok he would hang out here and there and we would talk every now and then. It sort of freaked me out tho bc I was upset. I could tell he was withdrawing himself. So then one day I got clingy and kept asking questions. He would get mad, I said is it another girl he said no he just needs space. I was devastated. Then the other day I sent him a long text saying sorry and how much I cared for him. Hours later his response was “whatever we have is over. Good luck.” I freaked out, I was so hurt, I took his valentines gift and left it on his car. It was the truck he always says he’s getting next, just the toy version, I found on eBay. I really fell in love with him. I don’t get how he just got so cold. It hurts, everyone says he never cared just move on. But he stuck by me at my worst times so I don’t know what switch went off or I just got to be too much.

  18. Dee on May 8, 2014 at 1:37 am

    Love yourself first, men think so different than weas women, if you meet a guyvand he constantly says things and never act on it,.just run don`t give a an your time if hes not willing to give you his…hes showing you whats important..because you kniw rhat his time is not spent with you…

  19. Jess on June 2, 2014 at 1:53 am

    Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for three years. Everything was fine at the beginning but now it’s an argument nearly every day, nine times out of ten it’s because of his jealousy!! It wears me down every time he accuses me, I’m so sick of it!! So when he did it the other morning he told me how he wasn’t happy, he was going to leave me ect ect ………. He says it all the time an in the next breath he tells me he’s sorry that he didn’t mean a word, so I just continued getting ready for work and didn’t bite!! Once at work he text me to say sorry then rang me, he said how sorry he was but it somehow turned into him accusing me again, I hung up the phone and sent a text as I was so angry!! I told him I wanted him to move out, that I deserve so much better than to be treated so badly and that all the while I was making myself believe he really loved and cared for me I was ignoring the flashing sign of ” ur being taken for a fool” . So it’s been nearly four days and not once have I had the flowers, meal, chocolates …… Frigg all to show me anyway he cares!! So good luck and good riddance lol he just further proved to me what I knew all along!!

  20. danielle on March 28, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Having similar issues been together 3months he been busy all week meant to meet today but no reply I’m tryin hard not to txt but dnt knw where I stand and he unfriend me on social network and all he says is he will see me soon help ?x

  21. Jim on December 15, 2015 at 12:17 am

    And how do us men stop this behaviour ourselves or how do we deal with it because what I have learnt is that it is a natural cycle in us and it’s course lasts about as long as a womans menstrual cycle.By God I can promise you one thing it is no joke for us either.And don’t give me this garbage about moving onto this one and that one for I want this relationship to work.

  22. Sarah on December 29, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Jim – here’s what you do. You become aware of yourself withdrawing, pulling away, and ask yourself what’s going on for you. You’re being “triggered” somehow by this woman, and it’s making you close up. You then walk up to her, kiss her, take her in your arms and say – “I need to talk with you about something.”

    You then say “When you said that (or “that happened”) I just closed up. I don’t know why. I don’t know if I’m angry (unless you DO know that you’re angry!) – but I do love you, and I want us to have good communication so we don’t just shut down. How do you feel?”
    If you can do this – you can get and keep ANY woman you want!!!! Sarah

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