by Carol Allen
If you’re with a man right now that you’re not 100% sure is the right man for you, it can be a little scary.
You don’t know if the time and emotional energy you’re giving to him will all be worth it in the end, or if he’ll turn out to disappoint you.
So many things can go wrong in love…
He may turn out to be totally clueless about what you really NEED in order to feel loved and valued.
He might end up pushing all of your buttons and bringing out all of your insecurities – even if he’s an otherwise nice guy…
You just don’t know unless you spend enough time with him. But by then it may be too late. You may already be hopelessly attached to him, and end up feeling hurt and devastated.
Do yourself a favor and run an astrological compatibility report called “The Right Man Report” between you and that man right this minute.
It can save you a TON of wasted tears and years:
If you’re like most women (me included not so long ago) you’ve probably spent a fair amount of time being confused by men.
I think the most heartbreaking thing is when a man SEEMS like he loves and wants you, but then the next minute he’s distant and withdrawn, seeming like he DOESN’T.
Ah, yes, the perfect recipe to make a woman go QUICKLY insane.
A certain amount of ambivalence or doubt is healthy and normal in relationships, but when is it too much, and when should you RUN, RUN, RUN for the hills?
Obviously, there’s no perfect formula, though I do have some big opinions on this (don’t I always?).
A letter from a reader is typical of this dilemma – I hope you can’t relate…
Letter from reader:
* * * * * * * * * *
At first I truly and honestly loved this guy but I don’t know if he really loves me the way I love him since he treated me badly. He broke up with me often. And every time he did, it hurt me a lot. That made me hate him at that moment, but every time he says sorry for the things he’d done I easily get carried away because I think of the moment that we are happy together and I’m afraid to let go.
He is the only person that makes me laugh every day and that’s the part I really like about him but every time I have a problem I can’t rely on him.
He only says, “Stop talking about your problems ‘coz it makes my head ache.” That’s the part I hate about him. It hurts me. Does he really care about me? Hmmm! What do you think? Is he the right man for me?
We’ve been together now for 1 yr. and 8 mos. and I can’t make up my mind. But every time I try to break up with him it still hurts me. It’s like I can’t let go. Something’s stopping me that I don’t understand. Do I still love him?
* * * * * * * * * *
Ann must be dating my high school sweetheart…
Yes, Ann, I fell for it, too!
Okay, so here’s the deal.
If a guy loves you and then leaves you, then regrets it and begs to get you back, only to leave you again, it tells you a few things…
1. He’s conflicted
2. He’s AFFLICTED (which can be seen in his stars – afflicted men have a hard time “staying the course” and keeping their commitments)
3. He’s got a split personality (okay, probably not, but it’s possible)
4. He’s not ready for a relationship
5. He’s a boy
6. He’s feminine
So, what should Ann do?
Well, the part of her letter that actually concerns me MORE than the loving and leaving and loving again on the part of this guy, is his HUGE selfishness.
In Ann’s own words, when she has a problem she can’t rely on him.
Uh, that’s bad.
Life is long and FULL of problems.
If you can only share your “good news” with a man, then soon you’re going to turn into a psycho, resentful, knife yielding woman…
There’s an idea I just love that I learned from a famous therapist and author named Pat Allen.
She says something along the lines of, “When the man isn’t a man, the woman becomes a bitch.”
And rightfully so, I’d say!
Okay, but back to how I can help Ann and YOU deal with bozos like this.
Ann describes something extremely well – when this guy hurts her but then wants her back, she remembers their good times and is afraid to let him go.
In other words, she puts on her rose colored glasses and only thinks of the nice parts of their relationship, and so can’t resist when he worms his way back.
Boy did she say a mouthful there!
We’ve all been there…
Can I get an “amen, Sister?”
Here’s the deal – Ann and women with men like this can’t “wish away” his bad qualities, his poor treatment, and his selfish behavior.
You have to take ALL of a person when you’re in a relationship.
You don’t get to “cherry pick” the parts of a man you like (like that he makes her laugh every day), and reject the parts that you DON’T like (like that he essentially tells her to SHUT UP when she’s sharing something troubling with him).
If Ann stays with him, he’ll continue to shut her out when she’s not totally positive and happy (good luck with that one, Ann!), and break up with her often.
How do I know without seeing their astrology charts?
I know because the best predictor of the future is THE PAST.
And unless this guy gets “body snatched” by angels and has a total personality make over, this is their relationship.
So Ann, if you want to laugh every day, go rent a big pile of Will Ferrill movies and old “Saturday Night Live” episodes, and laugh your face off.
Loverboy may in fact love you. He probably does – or else, why would he keep coming back?
But his relationship skills are sorely lacking and his capacity for love is low…
But it doesn’t matter what he feels – it matters what YOU FEEL. And you feel HURT much too much.
You don’t feel supported or accepted for all of you.
And that’s really all you need to know.
So, no – I’m sorry but he’s NOT the man for you.
That was easy!
But what do you do when it’s not so clear cut?
What do you do when the man’s behavior, though not ideal, isn’t so bad…
When the good times are really good, but yet there’s still frequent problems?
How can you tell if he’s the one for you then?
(Because NO relationship or man is perfect, and studies actually show that the higher your expectations of a relationship, the more unhappy you’ll be – yikes!)
Treating a man very well, but also treating YOURSELF very well with him is the best way to find out.
You’ve heard the old saying, “You teach others how to treat you.”
Well, it’s true.
If Ann knew how to set healthy boundaries, and not tolerate bad behavior (in a loving, non-hostile, non-knife yielding way) then she’d be able to find out if more of the GOOD of this guy and this relationship can come forward.
If she could say to him, “Wow – when you won’t listen to me and care about my troubles, it makes me feel separate from you and hurts my heart. Is that what you want? Because I want to feel close to you…”
Instead of getting angry, or shutting him out, she’d disarm him with her vulnerability and honesty.
This would do a few things – either make him realize what a selfish jerk he is, and that she has too much self-respect to be with him so he’d better start being a better partner, or make him dig in his heels and continue to make it her fault.
And then she’d have a lot more clarity about whether or not she should stay.
Ann is stuck and can’t decide what to do or even know her own feelings, because she hasn’t learned how to use her communication skills and relationship tools to figure it out.
And she’s SO not alone…
I talk to women like Ann EVERY DAY.
They’re in love with parts of a man, but tormented by others.
When they’re happy, it’s as though they go into DENIAL about the man’s limitations.
But when they’re UNHAPPY, they’re REALLY unhappy, and there’s no denying the problems.
I truly believe this whole process doesn’t need to drag on and on for women like Ann. And trust me, there’s WAY too many women out there like Ann…
(I cried over my high school sweetheart for wayyyyyyy too long, and took him back wayyyyyyy too many times! And it was always the same…)
If you’ve been struggling with a difficult relationship or a difficult man, you simply cannot keep doing what you’ve always done and expect it to be different.
But the good news is that you can find a new way of relating to your man to inspire him to be a better friend and lover to you.
And if you want to understand why some parts of your relationship with a man are easy, and some parts are difficult again and again, check out your “Right Man Report”
with him to understand exactly how you “trigger” each other.
“The Right Man Report” uses an ancient astrological technique that compares both how you and a man will FEEL together (looking at fifteen specific areas of your CONNECTION or DISCONNECTION) and the very destiny of your relationship itself.
You can really love a man, but have parts of your compatibility be so difficult and baffling, it can make you feel crazy.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that love is all you need to make a life together work – find out exactly what to do about your specific weak links with him, and if they can be helped or not.
And may God and his planets and stars shower you with love!
From Sarah: We LOVE Carol here – because her “Right Man Report” is so totally amazing and so completely helpful! It helped me absolutely understand what’s going on between my man and me, and it made me feel SO much better. Not only does Carol lay out the dynamics of what’s going on with you and ANY man – she tells you exactly what to DO about it. Just go here to get her free newsletters and check out her Right Man Report->