Is He Really Unavailable?

Mine is a weird story but I’m thinking now that my guy falls into this category.

by Evan Marc Katz

From a reader: He broke up with me over text, first of all. We’re both in our later years so this, in my opinion, is very rude at any age.

He came on strong at first, started betting busy with his life, then texted me he can no longer date as his 17 year old is going through issues that he would not discuss. He said something about depression and suicide counseling.

We had only dated for 3 months and I get the issues but he claimed to love me and that I was the “woman of his dreams”.

My question is would you dump the girl of your dreams if your life got hard and your kid needed some guidance and support? I would have expected some down time but dumped? I got a sweet card that said nice things about being in his heart and I ran into him the other day and he seemed sad but I just don’t get it. Am I being selfish? Was he simply emotionally unavailable or is this a normal response? …Eve

Evan’s Response:

I’m sorry you’re hurting, Eve.

Getting unceremoniously dumped is an awful feeling and receiving the news by text certainly doesn’t make it any better.

However, I would encourage you to step back from this situation — as I’m attempting to — and refrain from making it about you for a second.

This is what dating coaching is all about — stepping out of your own shoes and attempting to understand the thoughts and behaviors of someone else.

I don’t know your ex from Adam, but then, I’m not sure I need to, given this one piece of information: his 17-year-old is going through depression and contemplating suicide.

That is everything and you’re writing about it as if it’s a minor part of the story. It’s not. It’s the ENTIRE story.

If your teenager is grappling with life and death, everything else falls by the wayside, and it’s not for me (or you) to judge how he feels he should best handle the situation.

Some men would lean on you for support during this trying time.
Some men would realize they have nothing to give right now and break up.
Neither option involves handling the situation improperly, just differently.

But your question doesn’t seem to acknowledge this. Everything is framed in terms of how it affects you, like you can’t even consider what it’s like to be a scared and overwhelmed single parent with a desperately sick child who needs all of your love and support.

I think there’s a big difference between declaring someone temporarily unavailable due to a crisis (like this) as opposed to permanently unavailable.

So, I’m going to throw in a third option:

Some men would rather have no girlfriend than one who can’t muster the empathy to see the big picture.

As far as whether your ex — or any man — is emotionally available, I think there’s a big difference between declaring someone temporarily unavailable due to a crisis (like this) as opposed to permanently unavailable (because he’s scarred and incapable of intimacy and commitment).

I can’t say which he is but I can say that whatever his response to his crisis, it’s not wrong. It’s just what he has to do.

And if you’re the woman of his dreams, you’ll understand and support him wherever he’s at.

Good luck to both of you.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men. He has over 24 million blog readers, over 150,000 newsletter subscribers, and thousands of satisfied clients who find his take on relationships to be enlightening, entertaining and empowering. It wasn’t until Katz took his own wisdom that he met his future wife – and became a much better dating coach in the process. By opening up to a new kind of partner, Katz proved that to get different results in love, you have to make different choices. “I had to make fifteen years of dating mistakes before I finally figured out how to have a happy relationship. I believe firmly that the road to success is paved with failure, and since I’d failed so prolifically and ultimately found my own way, I feel uniquely qualified to help others have success in love.” Make sure to check out “Why He Disappeared” <=== Click here!

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