by Christian Carter
Continued from Part 2 of How to Improve Your Relationship with One Question.
We left off when you were figuring out patterns you unconsciously follow that might hinder how much you can improve your relationship. OK. So now you have two clear patterns of your own in your head. Take out a pen and a piece of paper and write down the patterns you identified. Do it now, don’t wait.
I want you to keep this piece of paper somewhere you can look at it again in a few days or weeks. It will be important to look at what you wrote down again at least once in the next few days.
Developing Consciousness to Improve Your Relationship
Now that you’ve got your two negative patterns, here’s where things are going to start coming together for you…
Move past your negative and self-defeating “patterns” in relationships with men.
First, I need you to get away from a dangerous kind of thinking that ALL WOMEN engage in when it comes to men, dating and relationships.
I call it “All or Nothing Thinking”.
Do you know any women who talk about how their relationship is hopeless and a complete failure… And then a few hours or days later they have shifted 180 degrees to where EVERYTHING is great?
What does this say about the woman who thinks and feels this way? What kind of relationship and communication “skills” does a woman like this have?
And how do you think a man experiences this kind of thinking and behavior… and what does it say to him about a woman? What does it say about her perspective and her ability to consciously improve her relationship?
Of course, this is an extreme example of “All or Nothing Thinking”. Unfortunately, the more common “All or Nothing Thinking” is subtle and difficult to recognize. Especially when YOU are the one having the thoughts.
So, let me ask you…
When you look at your pattern, is there a negative trait or habit of yours that stands out as the one that gets you into trouble the most? I’m certain there is. I want you to identify at least one of your greatest WEAKNESSES that shows up in your life through your negative patterns.
I’ll give you a minute to write this down next to the pattern it’s associated with.
OK. Now there’s something I want you to think about…
It makes sense to cut this negative trait or habit that’s associated with your pattern out of your relationship and behavior with a man… right? It’s caused a lot of these problems… right? If you cut these traits or qualities out of the way you are in a relationship with a man, then things will be better… right?
What if the problems that come up in your negative pattern are caused by these traits? And what if the traits in your negative pattern didn’t represent just your personal WEAKNESSES? What if they ALSO represented your personal STRENGTHS at the same time?
If you were thinking that you should get rid of the trait or quality entirely that’s involved in your negative pattern just to improve your relationship… then you’re going to that place of “All or Nothing Thinking”. Talk about throwing out the baby with the bath water.
To Improve Your Relationship Take Everything in Scope
Over the years I’ve recognized that there’s a fascinating mistake TONS of people make in relationships, in business, and in every aspect of life…
When something isn’t working and they want to fix a problem, they don’t look at the entire “system” around them. Instead, they focus their attention on the “symptoms” they see, in isolation. Some people complain about “Western Medicine” having the same shortcoming. That it only addresses symptoms, instead of taking a “holistic” approach to how everything works together.
Anyway… when you’re trying to improve your relationship, by not seeing the entire “system” going on around you, you can’t see how all the elements are inter-connected. So, when you go to make a change, you think you can change what’s related to the symptoms and everything will work better. This is like thinking blowing your nose will cure a cold.
What’s worse, often times the things that people change not only don’t work to fix the problem…
Often times the change they make ends up making things WORSE by affecting all the other related and inter-connected things that WERE WORKING.
Talk about COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.
Don’t start solving problems to improve your relationship when you can only see the “symptoms”. There’s a better way.
Gain Perspective When Working to Improve Your Improve Your Relationship
You need to start looking at the whole “system” of how you and a man connect and communicate in your relationship. You need to develop your own “holistic” approach. Then you’ll have the PERSPECTIVE to make choices and take action that will bring more connection and understanding into your life with a man.
So how can you start to see your own relationship with a man as the “system” that it is?
And how can you avoid the dead end strategy of trying to cover up the “symptoms”?
Tomorrow we’ll finish up in Part 4, and wrap up how to put the pieces together and improve your relationship.
From Sarah: You’ll want to get Christian’s free eletters – they’re all amazing, like this one, and once he’s sent them out, you won’t see them again (except here – and I’m working my way through my favorites for you) – just go here to learn more from Christian about how to improve your relationship.