by Susie and Otto Collins
How do you stop jealousy if you’ve had a past filled with partners who cheated on you (maybe including your current partner) even though you think your partner is faithful at the present time?
NOTE: Jealousy can ruin a relationship or marriage faster than almost anything.
***QUESTION FROM A READER: “I really don’t know how to stop being jealous. Here’s the deal: I’ve been married several times and all of the men in my life have cheated on me with the exception of one and he abused me.
“Contrary to this scenario, I’m not a stupid person. I have two college degrees and have always been career minded. I am however very insecure about my relationships and in certain situations in social settings.
“Jealousy thoughts tend to be overbearing at times and I don’t know how to control this. My current husband has been intimate with someone else but refuses to admit it.
“It was during a time when I was on medication and numb to the world. I know he is currently devoted to me now, but it is still hard to trust.”
Thanks for your question and before we answer it, we need to first give you “the facts” about what we know about jealousy…
**Jealousy has nothing to do with how smart or how successful you are.
**Given the right circumstances, anyone can experience jealousy.
**Chronic jealousy usually is tied to insecurity and low self-esteem.
Okay, with that being said, we see that you have two strikes against trusting in your relationship and here they are…
1. Your past negative experiences of being cheated on keep you in hyper-alert mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. In other words, because you’ve been cheated on so many times before, you are expecting to be cheated on again.
2. You’re certain that your husband cheated on you but he won’t admit it. Even though he may be acting devoted right now, there’s been no resolution of what you suspected happened in the past.
Of course it’s hard to trust him!
Your past experiences + an unresolved infidelity issue with your current husband = no trust.
So it’s no wonder you are jealous and find it difficult to trust.
Here’s What We Suggest to Deal with Your Jealousy…
1. Take a step toward healing your past.
Since all of the men in your past have cheated on you and one was abusive, we’d suggest working with a trained coach or therapist to help you get to the root of this pattern and heal it.
If you were on medication, we’re guessing that you have been seeking the help of a professional.
Good for you for noticing that you felt numb when you were on the drug.
Since we all heal from past hurts in layers, you may be ready for healing at a deeper level.
2. Decide if you want to let go of being jealous and move toward trusting your husband.
You may think that this is a “no-brainer” question but it really isn’t.
We’ve seen that jealous behavior is sometimes unconsciously a way to keep a partner at arm’s length so he or she won’t get close–because it’s not safe to trust.
We’re not saying that this is what you are doing but it’s a thought to consider.
Letting go of jealousy is a choice and it can be done–but it takes a commitment and learning and practicing some new skills to do it.
It takes monitoring your thoughts and making empowering changes to them.
Our No More Jealousy course can give you some new skills to practice to help you make those changes.
But none of this can happen unless you are committed to doing it–for yourself–and have the support and the skills to do it.
Since he isn’t admitting to cheating in the past but you are sure he has, you have two options as we see it…
–You can keep holding yourself back from him
–You can create a plan to begin trusting him
While we certainly can understand your desire for him to be honest about his past relationship, the reality is that he doesn’t seem to be confessing.
So you are left with the choice of whether to start new with him or not.
Not an easy choice, we know, but that seems to be the choice at hand.
If you want to tap into some of the best strategies available anywhere for rebuilding trust in a relationship or marriage, read this now: Relationship Trust Turnaround
If you decide you do want to start anew with your partner, then it’s going to be important for you to…
3. Decide how you want to connect with your husband.
When there’s jealousy, the emphasis is on a partner’s behavior that may or may not be happening that disrespects or dishonors the other person and violates an agreement.
While behavior that violates agreements and dishonors the other person has to stop, there’s also another side to it.
You have to figure out how you want to connect with each other.
If trust has been violated in the past, it’s natural to close down and not move toward connection.
We’re saying that if you know that he is no longer cheating and you want to rebuild a relationship with him, find ways that you can reconnect and let that be your focus.
So How Does This Stop Jealousy?
If you are feeling more connected with each other more of the time, if you are feeling more attention from your partner, if you are moving toward one another–and actually having fun together…
Your jealousy will begin to ease if you are working to heal the past and changing your thoughts.
It all goes hand in hand.
Our best to you,
Susie and Otto
Susie and Otto are the only husband-and-wife team we know of dealing EXCLUSIVELY with the problem of jealousy – and their success rate in saving relationships from jealousy is tremendous. If you’re enduring the pain of jealousy, whatever the cause, go check out their great ebook and stop the damage from happening right now – get help for jealousy and your relationship here->