Here’s one reader’s story: I’m divorced, 47, in excellent health and shape. I’m a successful Registered nurse at a Veterans health center.
by Rori Raye
Own my own home, car etc. But seem to attract clingy needy men that want or need constant verification of my feelings for them, and in some way need to be fixed.
They seem to distrust me, and accuse me. I had a nice relationship with a guy who would be upset that I was spending my “downtime” on my phone reading self help info, or just researching things. After I work 12 or more hours this was my way to vegetate.
The other type of man I’ve attracted is completely emotionally unavailable.
Sex only. No connection to the heart, although when he is with me, I could swear the look of love is there. And then he runs away, I hear nothing for literally weeks.
He got to me, I know I handled it poorly as I poured out my sadness and anger to him about his actions throughout the affair, all the time I was angry at myself, but the physical connection left me feeling high, which made it so hard tell him no. I would tell him how wonderful I was and lucky he was to have me, but that didn’t work either.
My anger led to insecurities and I pushed him away.
The other one sends me 1 message a day, super sweet, enough to respond to without another reply from him until the next day or 2.. I work with this one, and at work he is very attentive, but doesn’t make the extra effort to spend quality time together outside of work.
He will come over once a week, we hang out I lean back, we laugh, he leans in, sex, more talking, kissing, and gone.
I don’t row the boat for any man. I told him about how lonely I feel when he’s absent and how wonderful I feel when we connect. He responded with, “this is the most beautiful words anyone has ever said to me.”
I’m not hung up on any of the men I’ve had the pleasure of dating, I’m just ready to draw in a better quality man, who stays and pursues me.
Rori, I absolutely love your work! Thank you for sharing your heartaches and insight with all of us, to help us learn to stop settling for breadcrumbs.
I would love to have help with my dating life.
Here is my answer:
Like so many of us – your man picker is off, which makes your “man attracter” off, and is causing all this pain and dead ends.
AND – the cause of this, what’s at bottom is old and complex – and the “fix” is easy and fast – yet, requires bravery and commitment to yourself and the process.
You are attracting above-average-wounded, feminine energy men who are attracted to your “healing” nature, which can translate into “masculine energy of doing.”
You are attracting closed-off men for this reason only – you, yourself are afraid of true emotional intimacy. You are therefore avoiding men who might “bore you” because they are both whole and reasonably healthy, and because they LIKE you and want to love you and give to you.
In other words, like most of us, though you ‘say” you want love, you’re really pushing it away.
A reasonably healthy, whole man who wants to love and give to you can be terrifying.
It’s scary because you are no longer in control.
With a man who’s needy – you’re in control.
With a man who’s closed off and unavailable – you’re in control. With this man, you get to ‘feel’ all the longing, love, sexual turn-on – everything intense – and you’ll never have to worry about actually being vulnerable with him or intimately, emotionally connected because he’s “holding the line.”
You can go emotionally overboard, even – and that can feel great sometimes, just to feel so much emotion.
Yet, you’ll never have to worry about getting that intensity of feeling BACK from him.
The solution has always been years and years and thousands of dollars of “therapy,” to solve your “inner problems,” break down your “walls,” and learn to be “authentic.”
Brene Brown is a champion of “vulnerability” – and yet, if you’re like me and most women, you’ve been taught your whole life to NOT be vulnerable.
So expecting that to be an easy overnight change just from “reading about it” seems useless and painful to me.
For me, then, the answer is Circular Dating, (and having a Rori Raye trained coach holding your hand) until you get the hang of it, and just need to “check in” once in awhile with your coach.
In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around.
“I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After.” If you’re not familiar with her work, please check out “Have The Relationship You Want!”