A great question from a reader…
I have been seeing this man now for almost 5 yrs..on/off…I feel that he is just using me for his own benefit…You say get out there and start bridging..how do you do this when you are emotionally attached.
I feel I need to be home when he calls..I do not trust him..I know for a fact that lies to me quite often and over the littlest things..I guess what I am trying to say..How do I let go, I know this man is not into me like I am into him..
I know he has a so called “female friend”..I must tell you that I have been married for 40 yrs when my husband passed away… Like you said, I give all my time and energy into him, wondering what he is doing and who is he with…I try to keep busy, but it is so hard.
Also, like you said could it be just the challenge of what lie can I catch him in again.. If you have any advice I would like to know how to let him go, because in my heart I know this “so called relationship” is one-sided…
Thank You…”Stepping Stone”
Dear Stepping Stone:
Where we are now is where we are. In a very big way, feeling stuck is the result of fighting where we are.
Analyzing it, trying to get out of it, dissing it, dissecting it…
You already know this is not good for you.
You already know he can’t be the one for you because he doesn’t act like he is, or like he thinks YOU are HIS “one.”
You already know you’re not serving yourself well. You already know it’s cutting you off from life, shutting you down, making you feel week – and making you feel like you have no options but him.
The solution lies here:
- Fall in love with where you are. With the staying home, the pining, the waiting, the pain, the sorrow, the longing, the anger…all of it.
- Stop fighting any of it. Meaning – just fall on the floor and cry, stare at dustballs, watch the TV non-stop from the floor. Eat ice cream.
- Once you take the “fight” out of it – it will simply become BORING. Once you stop dissing yourself for “being like this” – you’ll start to want to do other things.
One day, you’ll want to walk down the street.
One day, you’ll want to walk shelter dogs, or read to children at the local woman’s shelter.
One day, you’ll go blonde, or red, or black.You’ll feel “fresh.”
One day, you’ll get dangly earrings and put on makeup and go to a bar by yourself and play pool.
One day you’ll get up early and follow a work-out or yoga video.
One day, you’ll put yourself on match.com, try tinder or bumble, and meet some sub-par men for starters.
One day, a not-so-subpar man will show up and look at you in a great way.
One day, you’ll stop pining for this man you’re pining for now – because you’ll have better things to do.
That could take a year or more (you’ve already given 5 to it). Or, that could take a week.
The less you fight where you are – the faster it’ll go, the more adventurous you can consider yourself, the more fun it’ll be.
Get yourself a coach. There’s nothing to compare with having a great coach who truly has your back. Who’s been where you’ve been and can lead you out of it, personally.
In her books, CDs, DVDs and seminars, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own, now-glorious two-decades-long marriage around. I’m a trained relationship coach, a former crisis counselor, and through my eBook, programs and newsletter, I’ve helped thousands of women succeed in love by teaching them the Tools I’ve created and developed with my clients – Tools that work quickly and effortlessly to change a struggling love life into Happy Ever After. If you’re not familiar with Rori’s work, please do yourself a favor and get her book “Have The Relationship You Want.” It will shift everything, almost overnight.