If You Save Your Marriage, Will It Need To Happen Again?

After a long conversation with “Nancy,” I thought she was ready to work to save her marriage.

by Lee Baucom, Ph.D.


But I noticed she was hesitant. I had no idea why. I just knew she was not quite ready to take action. I asked, “Nancy, do you want to save your marriage?”

Nancy claimed she did, but she was afraid. Which means that Nancy is like everyone else that is wanting to work on their marriage. It is a scary undertaking!

And finally, Nancy told me her fear: “What if I work on saving my marriage, and I DO save my marriage, and then our relationship gets into trouble again?”

As strongly as I could, I told Nancy this, “If you save your marriage, if you truly transform yourself and your relationship, your marriage will NEVER be threatened again!”

There are really two different ways to go about saving your relationship.

1) You can use reverse psychology, “hypnosis,” or any other number of tricks to stop your spouse’s actions that are moving toward ending a relationship.

You can manipulate, force, cajole, or guilt a spouse into not taking action. You can find some way of stopping your spouse by withholding finances, children, assets, etc., as a way of forcing NO action.

2) You can truly change your relationship. You can change yourself, improving your own life, while also transforming the relationship.

If you decide to take the “shortcut,” the “easy answer,” and do #1, you will find that this approach runs out of steam.

Eventually, a spouse figures out the manipulation, or a spouse refuses to be bullied. At that point, your spouse will be even MORE invested in getting out — and for good reason!

Now, they not only feel the relationship is failing, but that they are being forced, manipulated, and tricked. This only adds fuel to the fire.

IF, however, you take option #2 — you decide that the relationship you had did not work and must be transformed, and you decide that YOU need to make a change and grow to a new place, THEN you have solved the problems for good. Your marriage will never be threatened because it is now an entirely different relationship.

Does that mean you will never have a disagreement, never get angry, and never have times of disconnection? Absolutely not.

You will disagree, be angry, and feel disconnected at times.

The difference is that you will know how to move beyond those issues. You will learn to reconnect. You will know you can trust the bond between you.

Are you ready for that?

Lee Baucom, Ph.D. is a best-selling author, therapist, coach and speaker, and has over a quarter of a century of experience helping couples and individuals learn to thrive in their relationships and their lives. He is the creator of the internet marriage program, Save The Marriage.

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