by Carol Allen
Do you ever hear from men from a past relationship and think it means something, well, BIG?
Like that maybe he’s missing you… maybe he’s coming back… or maybe you can start again?
Has it kept you from moving on from a dead or PAST relationship, even though there was no reason to hope things would ever be good again?
When you love a man, or even sleep with a man, you form a “soul tie” to him that can connect you even when you don’t want it to… But there are powerful, spiritual ways to break such a connection and get your very “heart and soul” back.
To discover ancient Vedic and shamanic tools to assist you in taking back your power and reclaiming yourself so you can move on and have the life you really want (and not have some guy it’s never going to work with holding you back like a dead weight), check this out.
If you’ve ever felt confused because a man came on like proverbial gang busters and then withdrew as soon as you gave him your heart, you’re not alone.
I think it’s probably happened to almost every woman on the planet at some time or another.
This letter from a reader is typical of what women share with me about this…
A Letter From A Reader Haunted by a Confusing Relationship
I became romantically involved with a coworker friend almost two years ago. Initially I wasn’t attracted to him but over time and his continued persistence, I grew to like him. I finally responded to his romantic advances and fell in love and felt that he was “the one.” However, just as all my defenses came down and I professed my feelings (which he did as well) all of a sudden over the last few months he’s gone cold and withdrawn and I’m feeling hurt and confused. I also noticed that he was communicating with another female at work and my intuition is telling me that he’s involved with her although he claims he’s not.
I’ve tried very hard to get over him but just when I think I’ve mastered this, I’ll get an unexpected email or a phone call from him and all my defenses come down. I’m very much confused by his behavior and am not sure what to do. I’m not sure where I went wrong. Any advice?
Thanks much, Eva
Ouch! Bummer – the old, “He had to have you, until he had you” routine.
Let me briefly recap:
1. You were friends with this guy and not attracted to him.
2. He made lots of overtures, and wore you down over time.
3. Just as you got close and opened up, he shut down.
4. He’s now withdrawn and cold, and flirting with other women under your nose.
And you want to know what you did wrong…
It sounds to me like the only thing you’ve done wrong is to think this is all because of something you’ve done wrong!
Here’s the deal… love takes risk. There’s never any guarantee that a man will return your feelings or love you, even if he says he does – and even if he’s said it over and over for years.
At some point you have to throw caution to the wind and say, “You know what? This is worth a try.”
But that might mean you’ll get squished. That might mean he’ll change his mind. Or you won’t really connect deeply. Or the chemistry will be off. Or any number of possible outcomes.
One of those possible outcomes happened here. You just don’t know which.
It’s great you’re trying to look at your part and learn what you can do better.
I applaud you for taking stock of your side of the relationship and wanting to know all you can about your side of things.
But you can make yourself nuts with wondering such things…
So stop wondering.
Find out from the only person that does know what happened.
Ask the man!
Here’s what I’d do if I were you. I’d be as upbeat and friendly as possible. I’d invite him out for coffee. Once you’re having a nice time out in a public setting, let him know that his friendship is important and that you want to be able to continue to work together without things being awkward.
Then let him know you’ve been confused about how things seemed to fall apart and ask him if there’s anything you could’ve done differently to make a different outcome happen between you.
Did you offend him? Did you hurt his feelings and not know it?
Or was it just that he was more in love with “the chase” than “the capture?”
One of two things will happen. He’ll either actually answer your questions so you can move on at last…
Or, he won’t be man enough to tell you anything and it will be a very awkward coffee date.
Which is totally great, because either way you win.
If he lets you in on his process, you can finally know what went wrong and make peace with it all.
If he doesn’t answer you, then you’ll know he’s a wimpy boy who isn’t capable of a real relationship with a real woman, anyway, and that he’s not healthy enough to honor your feelings and meet your needs.
If you can’t possibly take him to coffee and ask him anything about what went wrong (and would rather throw yourself under a moving bus), then you may want to go get some assertiveness training or therapy.
I’m not kidding!
But really, the truth is, you already do know all you need to know. He’s not showing up for you and your relationship the way that you need him to and he’s not being an emotionally mature grown up and letting you know why.
Which should disqualify him from being “the one” immediately!
The Final Catch at the End of a Relationship –
So here’s the part I really don’t like: just as you “start to move on” he calls or emails you.
And then, I gotta be honest here – you ARE doing something VERY wrong!
The thing you definitely ARE doing wrong is letting that – his measly phone call or (cue the gagging sound here) email – lower “all of your defenses.”
My dear, at this point it should take a big, fat diamond ring, a huge apology, and a fireworks display that writes your name in the sky in a huge red heart to lower all – make that ANY – of your defenses!
A phone call or email from time to time isn’t a big deal. In fact, I wouldn’t get excited about it at all.
In my experience of working with women and their relationships for almost two decades, I’ve seen something fascinating…
MEN DO NOT GO QUIETLY.
Even when they’re the one that doesn’t want the relationship and rejects you!
It’s uncanny – they pop in and check on you once in a while, perhaps out of guilt, perhaps to keep your attention, perhaps to torment you, perhaps because they want to stay your friend, who knows?
I’ve seen this happen so often, in fact, that I now tell a woman as soon as she informs me that a man she’s been seeing has ended things.
I say, “Oh, be careful. He’ll stay in your orbit. Men do not go quietly – so don’t think that it means anything. It simply means nothing more than that they don’t go quietly…”
But it’s not enough to get so excited about. Think about it: it’s easy to call or email someone. Very. It’s really NOT a generous, intimate gesture on his part.
So you need to take care of yourself, because clearly he’s not taking care of you.
And that means if it’s too painful for you to be in contact with him (you thought he was “the one,” after all!) ask him to stop contacting you.
There’s one other thing you’re doing wrong…
You’re hoping he’ll be back. Otherwise hearing from him wouldn’t make you so upset and vulnerable!
The fact that he’s being cold and letting you wonder why he went away, and keeping you on a shelf while he pays other women attention right in front of you AGAIN tells you all you need to know – he’s not worthy of your love or ready for a real relationship.
And thank your lucky stars you found out…
If you need more help understanding men and their mysterious ways, then I encourage you to check out my eBook, “Love Is in the Stars – the Wise Woman’s Astrological Guide To Men.”
In it, I tell you exactly how to recognize if a man is “relationship material” and ready for love.
I share six simple questions to assess a man’s “emotional maturity” so that you never give your heart to a man not able to care for it again.
I tell you how to recognize if a man is a good man or if he’s astrologically “afflicted” so you can STOP making so much effort with those who aren’t worth your time and attention.
Please stop thinking, like Eva above, that if your relationship with such a man doesn’t work out that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.
And my God and His planets and stars shower you with love!
From Sarah: We LOVE Carol here – because her “Right Man Report” is so totally amazing and so completely helpful! It helped me absolutely understand what’s going on between my man and me, and it made me feel SO much better. Not only does Carol lay out the dynamics of what’s going on with you and ANY man – she tells you exactly what to DO about it. Just go here to get her free newsletters and benefit your next relationship ->