rori1.jpg by Rori Raye

If you’re struggling with intense feelings of jealousy that are slowly destroying your relationship, you’re not alone. Jealousy is one of the most awful parts of not feeling strong inside yourself, and I want to give you some quick ways to lift your self-esteem and get you back on your Bridge To Happy Ever After, instead of stuck in the dead-end of Jealousy…

So…if Jealousy’s got you by the throat, and you find yourself alternating between rage at the way your man is behaving – even if he isn’t DOING anything wrong – and guilt and fear about the intensity of your own feelings and how it’s affecting your relationship, here’s some help –

This is a letter from Alice, who’s struggling with jealousy that’s destroying her relationship – let’s use it to get some Tools going and help your situation, too:

“Hello, Rori, I have a really bad jealousy problem that affects our relationship of 2 years. We love each other and seem to have a perfect relationship – he treats me like a princess but gets angry and annoyed when I compare myself to other girls. Or if I see half-naked women on TV or something I always think “Is she better? What if you find her more attractive?”…and I get in a mood.

I have a birthmark on my bottom which my boyfriend likes but every time I see a flawless butt on TV that he sees, I think “Oh no I don’t want him to look at mine because I’m not like that.”

It upsets me because I love him and can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He doesn’t even look at other women – but this jealousy problem is horrid and causes major arguments where there are tears and shouting frequently. Best wishes, Alice (hope you can help)”

***I know how easy it is to see that this problem is mostly Alice’s, and it’s incredibly great that Alice recognizes this and wants help to fix it…and yet I know how hard it is to get started fixing something we’ve been doing and feeling for so long. So – to be really helpful, I’m going to be a little tough, here. (If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, this will help you, too.)

Alice – I know you know that your boyfriend, like all men, finds your low self-esteem and jealousy hard to deal with… …and here’s the WHY of it: Bottom line, it makes him feel less attracted to you.

It s sort of like he’s thinking – “Well, if SHE doesn’t think she s hot, then what am I doing with her?” He begins to doubt his own attraction to you. And then, added to that, he feels smothered by the fact that you need HIM to do or say – or not do or say – SOMETHING in order to make sure YOU’RE OKAY.

I’m not talking about his actual, real job in the relationship – which is to make you happy. What I’m talking about is the requirement you’re setting up for him where he has to make sure you’re basically OKAY inside YOURSELF. And being responsible for whether or not you’re okay inside yourself is NOT his job.

Okay – enough tough love. Because it’s easy to SAY all this. I mean, we all KNOW we’re all responsible for what s going on inside us. It’s just the HOW-TO of getting ourselves OUT of the place of pinning our hopes and our lives and our hearts to our man, and INTO trusting OURSELVES with our hopes, our lives and our hearts, that we need.

We KNOW that the moment we pin our feelings about ourselves onto a man – we seem desperate, clingy, immature, unstable, and weak. And yet we fall into that place over and over again.

So – let me make some of this clearer and easier to SEE, so that it’s easier to work with and change: Pinning our feelings about ourselves on a man FEELS completely different from SHARING our feelings of insecurity and weakness with our man. I know that sounds confusing, so I’m going to break it down: Here s how it works:

When we feel insecure, afraid, weak, jealous and worried, we have 3 choices – we can either:

1. Stuff all the feelings down, or simply just not NOTICE what we’re feeling, and try to ACT okay

2. Take whatever we can notice of our feelings and then ACT THEM OUT – that would look like arguing, yelling, throwing things, all forms of “Drama,” explaining, reassuring him, making “nice,” having “discussions,” asking him to reassure you, complaining, making suggestions, making demands…

3. And here’s the Rori Raye way – you notice what you’re feeling and you say it straight out…that looks like “I’m feeling jealous and insecure.” Or “I’m feeling really angry.” And “I’m feeling really upset and embarrassed that I’m feeling so jealous and angry and insecure.”

I know that sounds ridiculous. That sounds like “letting him know” you feel all those yucky feelings, and you’d think that would make him run away and not feel attracted. You’d think letting him know you feel those things would seem “weak.”

But it’s not. And it doesn’t work that way. Letting a man know exactly what you’re feeling in a sharing way – pretty much “Sharing Your Feeling State,” looks to him like CONFIDENCE.

That’s right. It looks like high self-esteem. And it looks very different from what options 1 and 2 look and feel like to him.

So – try this now: As you walk around, notice what you’re feeling. (All my programs go deeply into this, teaching you how – step-by-step – to find your feelings and put words to them so that a man can truly HEAR you, and you can check them all out by going here): [catalog]

After you notice what you’re feeling, even if it’s noticing that you’re feeling numb or blank, notice what you do and say next.

Notice if you’re Stuffing, like option 1 above, or Acting Out, like option 2, and then use my Feeling Statement Tools to choose Option 3 – Sharing Your Feelings. It’s actually pretty magical. Your man will respond to you in a completely new way, and you’ll be amazed.

Be sure to let me know what happens when you try dealing with your Jealousy in this new way, and I’ll let you know what happens with Alice. I have total faith in you, and look forward to hearing about every step you take. Love, Rori

From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters

9 Comments

  1. Bren on October 8, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    Thanks for the great article! At the core of jealousy are issues of self-esteem. If you’re not confident in yourself, you will either look for constant reassurance from your mate or accuse him or her of not being supportive enough. This kind of second-guessing of both yourself and your partner will be the downfall of any relationship.



  2. Gina on October 9, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks for the great advice. Honesty and confidence really make a person more attractive and help create a relationship that has substance.



  3. sanjha on November 13, 2008 at 1:10 am

    Rori thanks for sharing such a great information. I’ll try this in my life to take me out of my relationship problems with my wife. Honest and loving relationship is what i want and will try to go by your advice. Thanks



  4. Cole on November 17, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    Jealousy certainly is something I struggle with at certain points. I often worry about the strengths other females may have that I like, even if it’s not attractiveness. If someone knows something or shares and interest with my SO which I do not, I feel insecure. Sometimes bottling that up can make it into a bigger issue than it is because you’re trying to deny it so admitting that is good advice.



  5. John on November 19, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    Jealousy …!!
    Well jealousy is something that is everywhere,in every relationship and in every marriage.. The problem is not do you have it.. the problem is how to handle it..how to get above jealousym,how to trust each other and avoid bigger problems ..
    Its all about believe in each other.. Talk about certain situations..Stay together..



  6. Bernadette on November 27, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    well, i really have the same situation with Alice. And I WANT TO SHARE MINE TOO. but how? i really love this article. Thank you Rori.



  7. Sarah on November 28, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Bernadette – Hi! and PLEASE – we’d LOVE to hear your story! If you’d like us to post it as an actual true story with your name, write it here as a comment and let us know you’d like us to post it! If it’s a question, we’ll get Tinque and Rori to answer questions occasionally here, too…Sarah



  8. Charlie on January 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    I have never been the insecure type or the jealous type. But I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man that has complicated relationships with his ex girlfriends and fear I am turning into a lunatic with jealousy and suspicion. My boyfriend stays very close with at least three of his ex-girlfriends. We met over a year ago and got close through email, etc while he was out of the country. During that time, he had a girlfriend that he told me was basically on the outs with but never actually got the chance to formally break it off. When he returned about five months ago, he broke up with her for me. Before that time, he was, at least physically, pretty honorable, although it was certainly emotional infidelity to some extent. Now, she has started contacting him again. He talks to her frequently, has met up with her for lunch twice recently. He always tells me about it. Doesn’t hide it. She sends him gifts. She does not know about me and he won’t let me come to events where their mutual friends will be. He says this is because she has mental health problems and he fears for her safety if she finds out.
    His most significant ex he is even more close with. He stays at her house about half of the week. She lives two hours away but is the mother of a two year old child he is helping to raise. This part is complicated, but if you know the back story seems understandable. He loves the child and is the only father figure he has. It is not his child, but they owned a home together where she lived when the child was born. When he stays there, he rarely answers calls from me, often “falls asleep early” with the little boy. I have not met the little guy, although I have seen countless pictures. He is also very close with her. They are good friends. They talk every day. About the child he says, but thats not totally true. He is a huge support for her, and I believe she is for him as well. When I am with him and he speaks to her on the phone, I have to be quiet. He says this is because she would freak out about me being in the house and then he would have to deal with her and fight with her. They have been broken up for three years.
    The third ex is his first love. She lives 3000 miles away but they text daily and chat. They talk on the phone about once a week. Email each other, send pictures. He will show me the messages when I ask, but mostly is very protective of his phone. Even takes it in the bathroom with him when he showers. I only really found out their relationship was so close because I happened upon some emails where she was very inappropriate, calling him her long distance lover, etc. She continues to be inappropriate, saying how she misses him and how great they would be together. He claims he has let her know that she is being inappropriate and he is with me. But it seems that he still feeds into it. He tells me they have maintained the long distance friendship for years, through two past girlfriends. But one of her texts said that they had only begun heavy contact a few months ago. He claims that their level of contact goes up and down through the years. He refused to do facebook.
    Is this normal? There seem to be explanations for everything, and he at least presents as being very open and forthcoming with this information. Still, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I am being deceived. The strange thing is that he is really into me and spends a lot of time with me. If he were really running all these schemes, why would he be so awesome with me? I can’t wrap my head around it. I want so badly to trust him. If he is being totally honest and honorable, how do I shake this feeling? What can help?



  9. Sarah on January 25, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Charlie – OMG – I know how you feel – my first husband had LOTS of old girlfriends around – and I couldn’t stand it – but I stood it – and I know now that I don’t want that. I made it clear with my man now that I don’t even want him having an innocent lunch with an old girlfriend, and if that’s a problem for him, I understand, but then we have no future. Straight out. Never had a problem since. Love, Sarah



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