by Rori Raye
If you’re struggling with intense feelings of jealousy that are slowly destroying your relationship, you’re not alone. Jealousy is one of the most awful parts of not feeling strong inside yourself, and I want to give you some quick ways to lift your self-esteem and get you back on your Bridge To Happy Ever After, instead of stuck in the dead-end of Jealousy…
So…if Jealousy’s got you by the throat, and you find yourself alternating between rage at the way your man is behaving – even if he isn’t DOING anything wrong – and guilt and fear about the intensity of your own feelings and how it’s affecting your relationship, here’s some help –
This is a letter from Alice, who’s struggling with jealousy that’s destroying her relationship – let’s use it to get some Tools going and help your situation, too:
“Hello, Rori, I have a really bad jealousy problem that affects our relationship of 2 years. We love each other and seem to have a perfect relationship – he treats me like a princess but gets angry and annoyed when I compare myself to other girls. Or if I see half-naked women on TV or something I always think “Is she better? What if you find her more attractive?”…and I get in a mood.
I have a birthmark on my bottom which my boyfriend likes but every time I see a flawless butt on TV that he sees, I think “Oh no I don’t want him to look at mine because I’m not like that.”
It upsets me because I love him and can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He doesn’t even look at other women – but this jealousy problem is horrid and causes major arguments where there are tears and shouting frequently. Best wishes, Alice (hope you can help)”
***I know how easy it is to see that this problem is mostly Alice’s, and it’s incredibly great that Alice recognizes this and wants help to fix it…and yet I know how hard it is to get started fixing something we’ve been doing and feeling for so long. So – to be really helpful, I’m going to be a little tough, here. (If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, this will help you, too.)
Alice – I know you know that your boyfriend, like all men, finds your low self-esteem and jealousy hard to deal with… …and here’s the WHY of it: Bottom line, it makes him feel less attracted to you.
It s sort of like he’s thinking – “Well, if SHE doesn’t think she s hot, then what am I doing with her?” He begins to doubt his own attraction to you. And then, added to that, he feels smothered by the fact that you need HIM to do or say – or not do or say – SOMETHING in order to make sure YOU’RE OKAY.
I’m not talking about his actual, real job in the relationship – which is to make you happy. What I’m talking about is the requirement you’re setting up for him where he has to make sure you’re basically OKAY inside YOURSELF. And being responsible for whether or not you’re okay inside yourself is NOT his job.
Okay – enough tough love. Because it’s easy to SAY all this. I mean, we all KNOW we’re all responsible for what s going on inside us. It’s just the HOW-TO of getting ourselves OUT of the place of pinning our hopes and our lives and our hearts to our man, and INTO trusting OURSELVES with our hopes, our lives and our hearts, that we need.
We KNOW that the moment we pin our feelings about ourselves onto a man – we seem desperate, clingy, immature, unstable, and weak. And yet we fall into that place over and over again.
So – let me make some of this clearer and easier to SEE, so that it’s easier to work with and change: Pinning our feelings about ourselves on a man FEELS completely different from SHARING our feelings of insecurity and weakness with our man. I know that sounds confusing, so I’m going to break it down: Here s how it works:
When we feel insecure, afraid, weak, jealous and worried, we have 3 choices – we can either:
1. Stuff all the feelings down, or simply just not NOTICE what we’re feeling, and try to ACT okay
2. Take whatever we can notice of our feelings and then ACT THEM OUT – that would look like arguing, yelling, throwing things, all forms of “Drama,” explaining, reassuring him, making “nice,” having “discussions,” asking him to reassure you, complaining, making suggestions, making demands…
3. And here’s the Rori Raye way – you notice what you’re feeling and you say it straight out…that looks like “I’m feeling jealous and insecure.” Or “I’m feeling really angry.” And “I’m feeling really upset and embarrassed that I’m feeling so jealous and angry and insecure.”
I know that sounds ridiculous. That sounds like “letting him know” you feel all those yucky feelings, and you’d think that would make him run away and not feel attracted. You’d think letting him know you feel those things would seem “weak.”
But it’s not. And it doesn’t work that way. Letting a man know exactly what you’re feeling in a sharing way – pretty much “Sharing Your Feeling State,” looks to him like CONFIDENCE.
That’s right. It looks like high self-esteem. And it looks very different from what options 1 and 2 look and feel like to him.
So – try this now: As you walk around, notice what you’re feeling. (All my programs go deeply into this, teaching you how – step-by-step – to find your feelings and put words to them so that a man can truly HEAR you, and you can check them all out by going here): [catalog]
After you notice what you’re feeling, even if it’s noticing that you’re feeling numb or blank, notice what you do and say next.
Notice if you’re Stuffing, like option 1 above, or Acting Out, like option 2, and then use my Feeling Statement Tools to choose Option 3 – Sharing Your Feelings. It’s actually pretty magical. Your man will respond to you in a completely new way, and you’ll be amazed.
Be sure to let me know what happens when you try dealing with your Jealousy in this new way, and I’ll let you know what happens with Alice. I have total faith in you, and look forward to hearing about every step you take. Love, Rori
From Sarah – Rori Raye rocks – even her sales pages are amazing, filled with information and help – she goes at this relationship thing and attraction thing in a different way than anyone out there. To learn how you can have the relationship of your dreams and get your free Rori Raye newsletters, go here-> Rori Raye’s Free Relationship Advice eLetters