christian-carter-wideby Christian Carter

Ever feel like you’d have less real “connection” or intimacy with a man if you didn’t try so hard to keep your relationship “alive”?

And, that the man you’re with might not even notice, let alone know how to help you both grow and change together when something is “off” in your relationship?

Are men really so different that they don’t think about or notice problems in your relationship?

Or is something worse going on here where a man doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere and has given up on it and you?

And…

Have you ever had the sudden realization that if it wasn’t for YOUR patience, caring and the attention you pay to him and your relationship, that you’d just be drifting apart from each other?

That you’d never grow closer… never get to know each other on a deeper level… and never become MORE COMMITTED if it wasn’t for what YOU insist on and struggle to create?

Do you ever wonder why it can seem like a man just doesn’t care about your relationship and where it’s headed… even though you know that somewhere deep down he does love and care about you?

Well, there’s a reason why these things are so common with men in relationships… and why they can be so frustrating to deal with and get past as a woman.

The truth is, if you’re like most women who are UNSUCCESSFUL in their long term relationships, then your “approach” to your relationship often depends on a man figuring out how to have a great relationship FOR YOU.

You know, all that knight in shining armor stuff where a man’s love and unrelenting commitment to you will make it all work out.

Good luck with that.

There’s a better way…

If you’ve had a few relationships in the past, then you’ve already learned that putting the fate of your love life and relationship in the hands of a man to save is NOT the perfect or ideal situation.

You’ve figured out that if you’re going to have a REAL relationship, that a man isn’t going to have all the answers when things get difficult or uncertain.

Don’t wait for a man to figure out how love and a relationship works.

And sure… a man has to do HIS part and learn and grow too. A man needs to know how to love and be loved too. But wouldn’t it be great if you had the CONFIDENCE that comes from KNOWING that you could create what YOU WANT in your relationship?

What if you never had to wait for a man to “figure it out” to have the love and connection you want in your life?

It’s likely that you’ve already got a head start growing up as a woman… which is why it’s time to put your knowledge and intuition to good use. You’re about to learn 3 of the most important ways that men are different when it comes to relationships… and what to do about it.

And, by the way, if you’ve got a man in your life who knows how to keep you both close and connected in your relationship at all times and you KNOW it’s going to LAST… then you don’t need to read this article. Go enjoy your love life with confidence, and give and share all of yourself freely.

But, if you aren’t 100% CERTAIN that you’re going to be able to keep a loving relationship with a man… and you’ve had problems with this in the past… then it’s time to recognize and learn how to get past those UNCERTAIN and UNCOMMITTED places with men and relationships.

Keep reading and you’ll be on your way to finding the confidence and understanding in your relationship that only a deep, close, emotional connection with a man can bring.

“Getting Clear” On What’s Going On With Men When They’re Distant Or Uninvolved In Relationships

Let me tell you a quick story…

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17 Comments

  1. Sally on January 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Dear Christian,

    I love what you said in your article br driving men away with our “intense” and “emotional” conversations. Early this week I was asking my bf a simple q, not aiming a fight, he exploded att me. I think he felt a fight was going to come & he reacted in a way to end up the fight not answering back and being angry too. I was really annoyed and I preferred to keep myself silent. A day later, he said “Why would you start a fight..I love you..Why not enjoy our relationship”!! I thought I didn’t initiate any fight ..you did that! A simple q would escalate into anger. why is that? He never admitted he was in the wrong though so again I kept silent. Instead of apologizing , he sent me a romantic card (we’re long distance) and nice text msgs saying “don’t be upset” and others. Still, i didn’t get “I’m sorry or anything and I was really annoyed. Later he kept himself distant (probably to torture me to drop the subject easily: as I always do) but I didn’t. I was firm but polite. To brief up things. Last Thursday he said sincerely “don’t be upset”..”I care” so I thought not to drive him crazy so I said “Thank you and I feel better now”> Surprisingly, he acted distant after that!!!. I think he’s teaching me a lesson never to get an apology of him again. Or, he’s torturing me to initiate a conv. (which I won’t, really). He texted and I replied in a nice way. Today. our weekly call..he didn’t even call. Acting distant after days of wanting me to feel better, does it make sense? I think he’s giving me a lesson so I get weak and approach him first (when he should as he really hurt me). I don’t know what’s the best way to deal with this? I’ve noticed when I’m distant he gets worried and sends a nice msg, once i reply nicely..his second msg is bland, tasteless one!..So, he’s pulling me to force me to say smth. Once I say smth nice, he acts either distant or just indifferent and say bland tasteless things. So, don’t tell me to start. How to let him grow up and quit playing these games? How to let him not taking me for granted? Please help :)

    Thanks Christian :)



  2. Sarah on January 11, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Sally – This is Sarah, an editor here at LoveRomanceRelationship – I’ll send your comment off to an expert to answer, but in the meantime…long distance is hard. It sounds like he’s trying to create conflict, and I wish I could tell you why. So much is about how old you both are, how long you’ve been a “couple” and what the potential is for you to be together forever soon. Sincerely, Sarah



  3. caroline hall on September 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Please help me. Already sound needy don’t I. I’m 54-year & he’s 58. Called him for my book – he was old friend (really!) from University 33-yrs ago. Drove straight up – long-distance relationship. Hot & heavy romance. Email cards & music every day. Phoned 10X a day. I’ve been separated 15-yrs. He had just moved out into his own apt. Started divorce proceedings/sale of matrimonial home. Wife can’t work/police/ alcoholic /restraining order. I had lot of emotional baggage going in. Told him so up front. Told him Christian – no sex b4 marriage. He proposed in front of entire town – repeatedly “I’m marrying this girl!” Kept saying I am most beautiful woman in world & smart like him. Suddenly both our lives go downhill. He loses 650K & inheritance from mother (father just died – broke his heart) & can’t keep promises made: trip to Halifax for my book to immigration museum – he never told me why & I hit the roof; went from calling 10 X day- 0. I went nuts he avoided all calls. We did have sex – couldn’t be helped. Too in love. Told him b4 it meant marriage. He was like a happy puppy – painted my fingernails. I guess I did everything wrong in the book. Called & sent emails countless times trying to talk it out.Told him I was sorry. He was amazing & I appreciated him. Everything could be worked out. No answer. Kept calling, he came up to fix computer he gave me right off the top of his desk (his big baby LG Linux, which he replaced with M/C & 3 hard-drives to protect & back up book). Still said he loved me, but was in a dark place. Had to meet with wife to close house & to keep kids happy (11 & 13) gave her entire home. He’s penniless now and said I’m too much drama & he’s had enough with her. But there’s no one like me -he loved listening to my book & the unexpected goofy things I did on occasion. I wrote 3 more emails trying everything. He never responded. It’s long-distance – I won’t show up at his downtime apt again – he has kids every week.Wife can’t drive – so he’s in there like a dirty shirt. He told me his kids come first – he introduced them to me.
    I’m 54-yrs-old & have NEVER been this madly in-love, although he has hurt me terribly so many times. He said he has NEVER been so in love with anyone else in life & doubts another me will come along, BUT he’s ‘DONE.’ I can’t tickle him to the floor through the phone, which he doesn’t answer anyway. Is there a magical word I can say to at least keep him in the loop. Is there any hope he will ever come back? Thank you so much for answering. I really appreciate it.



  4. Shari on December 4, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Hi, Caroline, you are a very funny woman and I am sure that he likes that ALOT!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR AWHILE AND HE WILL BE SEEKING YOU OUT!!! Just be patient…Shari



  5. Zara on January 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Hi this is Zara ,Iam an Intern(medical student) and recently dating one of my head chef GP ,he is 34 and 9 years older than me ,he was an addict and now he is clean for about 2 years ,but passed a very hard time alone .he is trying to start a new life and we found each other amazing .Indeed I was born in a very cold family and always wanna find a way out of this hell and be with my dreamy man .
    he tried so hard to reach my privacy and we had fun just for one week,but after that I feel a big distance and his heart is silent for me .he behaves me like a social friend just little romance and sexual relationship.but he rent a new apartment near my place and I did everything for him,I am a very kind and lovely and also sexy girlfriend .but he cant see me as I want.Iam so alone in this life and dont have any closed friend and my family is worst .
    I found myself alone and needy .thats all !
    when we are sitting near each other while watching Tv ,he does not like to touch my hair and acts like a distant friend and I dont really what to do!
    he lost his parents ,and he is not happy at all too.he is rich and deserves a happy life but I think he does not want my love and just needs a friend .
    please help me ,I love him so much and have no one in this life .



  6. n194 on January 29, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Hi Christian,

    When a guy opens up to you about his life and his past, his relationship with his family, his previous relationships with women, how he sometimes retreats into his ‘cave’, etc does that mean he is trying to connect with you on an emotional level? What can I make of that ‘openness’?

    Also, he’s very open with his PDAs – kissing me, grabbing and holding my hand in public, telling me I look nice when we go out…does this mean anything? Or he’s just playing? Do guys do that on a normal basis without feeling anything for the girl?

    I am so confused because while he is doing all that, he tells me that he is not ready for a serious relationship and he’s doing a ‘rubberband’ thing on me.

    Recently we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks as he claims he is busy with work. I understood and gave him his space. Then on that 2nd week Saturday I texted him and asked if he was doing anything on Sunday and if he wasn’t shall we hang out as it has been awhile. Then he said no. I asked why not.

    A couple of (playful) text exchanges followed and one which I was teasing him about another guy. He got instantly mad and I said I was joking. But he kept on being angry and started sending hurtful texts. In which some of it he called me nasty names. I was so hurt, (and clearly provoked) I rebuked with the same. A couple more of nasty text exchanges followed and one in which he said “I’ve rejected you twice this week. Take a hint.”
    I was so hurt by that comment. I keep wondering what suddenly went wrong as the last time we went out together he acted so lovey-dovey, showering me with PDAs, grabbing and holding my hand, touching me, hugging me in public and then all of a sudden he acted like he was disgusted with me and sent those mean nasty texts.

    Deep in my heart I don’t believe that he is such a nasty person. But I am so hurt by his remarks and although I miss him so I’m wondering if I should initiate first contact and apologise – for the nasty rebuttal texts. It has been a week plus since we had that fall out and I miss him but he has not initiated any contact. I’m thinking maybe he’s just nursing his bruised ego and therefore refused any contact with me. Should I hold on? Do you reckon I have any chance?

    SO SO SOOO Confused & Extremely Frustrated. Please please help. Thank you.



  7. e on March 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Hi .Im so sorry u wnt through this. What has happened is all that pda.etc. Was him trying to gt u into having sex with him. If u did hes done if u didnt hes still done. He lost interest in u either way.hes a player move on he will only break ur heart.



  8. Alice on March 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Help!!
    I’ve been with this guy for 6 1/2 yrs. He’s 27 and I’m 25. Around Xmas time we went through a ruff patch he wasn’t sure if he stillwanted to be with me or how it was going to work. Then throughout January it was great he was calling me his girlfriend planning dates and doing everything I wanted. Towards end of January he went overseas with his dad and his step family who he doesn’t get along with for 3weeks. During this time I moved back home to finish studying (7hrs away from where we lived in the city separately) he knew this as we are from the same town. He sent me loving emails saying how much he misses me and a valentines email apologizing for not being here with me. I asked him went he was returning but no answer. I found out he was back due to his half sister posting it on Facebook. I called but no answer. The next day I called a number of times he eventually texted sorry, I’m fine just getting organized I’ll talk tonight. We talked that night he said as soon as he got back he had to move house as he’s lease was up and moved in with a friend just unroll he finds his feet, he was going back to work the next morning. He told me that he’s lookingforward to seeing me but not sure when that will be, he asked me to call the next night. So I called no answer, he didn’t answer for the rest of the week. Sunday came and I was so angry I called off another number and he answered. When he realized it was me he said “oh” I paused then he apologized for not answering said he’s been busy. I said no then he replied that I called too much and he doesn’t want to bother with all this, he’s happy being my himself in he’s room. I told him I don’t want to hear it, I agreed I called to many times. He asked me “just to give him some time to find his feet then he’ll let me know that’s going on, he’ll send me text during the week saying everything I want to hear and he’ll let me know when I can come down and spend time with him” I agreed. I left him alone for 3days then I called him and texted he replied “sorry I’m in the shed painting I’ll talk to you soon” so I left it a day then over contacted aging Being annoying and clingy and then I would apologized this went on for 5 days he replied “I’m ok, sorry for not answering”. I left it again then did the same thing for another 5days asking him if he didnt want to be with me then tell me he replied “stop it, I’m getting sick of you, I’m busy” so I left him alone for 6days then I contacted him again off and on I’ve been doing this for the past 2weeks now. I can see from what I’ve read on your site that my behavior to this situation is wrong and isn’t helping at all. Is there any way to fix this situation and repair what I’ve done so he stops withdrawing??



  9. Gia on April 7, 2012 at 8:30 am

    The writer of this article does what my husband does when he speaks to me in terms of “issues
    and “problems” he is “trying to resolve,” – that is, he says absolutely nothing coherently explaining what the are issues and problems. In other words, this type of talk is nothing but an easy way to say nothing – it is gobbledygook at its best and BS at is worst. If I ask my husband or SO if there is anything I can do to help him sort out the issues and problems I expect him to tell me yes or no – not give me the silent treatment. Were his supervisor or boss to put the same question to him regarding what could be done to help with the issues and problems certainly he would not walk away as if his supervisor was clueless and getting on his nerves. Women are frustrated by answers that are not answers at all when a simple yes or no would curtail the immediate need to continue the questioning.



  10. lydia on May 11, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Loving everything.. really ready to apply these steps. I think fear is my major issue…



  11. jules on June 8, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Boyfriend of 3.5 years recently stayed at my house for 2 months while his house was under construction. He’s big on space and privacy, so I went out of my way to provide that while he was here. He moved to his new house 2 weeks ago and has barely talked to me since. Again, trying to give him time to settle in and not be all in his face. We are early 50’s. Is there such a thing as being too kind, giving, patient and tolerant?



  12. Zarad on June 16, 2014 at 1:41 am

    I ve been in a long distance relationship ( in two different countries) for 4 and a half years. It might seem ridiculous and impossible to many but I was fine till recently. We met each other 5 times during the entire time we knew each other and each time we spent time with each other for at least 1 month. We text, email and call each other everyday, though. I really love him and he does too. When I ask him to take me to his country, he doesn’t want as he doesn’t like to live there and when I ask him to move to mine, he keeps saying I am settling my issues to join you.. Of course, I am almost aware of his issues regarding his finance, health and taxation… But in my view, none of them can keep two people, who are so-called in love, apart for such a long time. I am 38 and he is 45. We have never been married before and he keeps telling me that he wants me as his ever-partner. He says the reason he came to me after 2 months knowing me was to make sure we are the right person for each other or not. If we were did not have anything common, as he says, we would stop it right there and would not waste our time and emotions. So here I am, in this relationship, but recently I just can’t take it anymore. I still love him but this distance and waiting to see him is frustrating… He was supposed to be with me since January this year and every month he postpones it to the other month..like last month he promised to be with me for good in June and just 3 days ago he said he would be in July…. I don’t know what to do.. I used to be a very active, happy and lively person till recently but these days I can’t help crying.. It seems my patience is over so much! For a few days I didn’t email or text him but I talked to him over the phone very cold…he emailed me and was wondering what has happened to me that I stopped sending texts and emails.. I know if I want to open up the issue I will get this reply as usual: You don’t understand my situation, please just wait a bit more…I am leaving here because of you, I am in love for you… if you are not here for me, I ll go crazy!!!
    Dear friends, please let me know what to do..I really love him and he is the one I really want to spend my life with, my only problem with him is that he takes everything very hard and is scared of changes, I guess.



  13. Liza on July 12, 2014 at 1:49 am

    Please help! I’ll make this very quick. My boyfriend is distant because I’m not having sex with him. He said that he feels bad because he’s keeping himself distant just because we aren’t having sex yet Seems shallow but he cant help feeling that way. He said for him it’s important and we have a different outlook. When i sort of initiate a breakup he resists it but I cant stop feeling neglected anymore. We talk about what we can do but just end up not resolving anything. i think he really is clinically sexually frustrated. At first I thought it was shallow but after researching, i found out that when you are sexually frustrated, you will resent your partner and i think this is what’s happening to us. I hope you can answer this soon. And by the way, i wanna wait a few more months to have sex with him cause we just started out as a couple. I dont know what to do anymore :(



  14. Eca on July 15, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    I have been a in long distance relationship before and with all honesty. I wouldn’t put my heart to it, because you really don’t know what’s happening down his end. Who knows he might just be playing you. Well, at least that’s what I thought when I was still in that situation. I wouldn’t hold my breath on his promises..I think its best and wise to just go on with your life and forget the guy. Believe me, long distance wont work. At least that’s my experience. Life is too short. Enjoy it while you can. Besides, he’s not the only fish in the ocean. Goodluck!



  15. Amy on September 23, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    I feel like I am the one to try and communicate with my boyfriend more when he is gone or we are apart, and I feel like he would not if I did not initiate talking to him. We just got back together and I try to understand him, how he feels, and his needs, to strengthen our relationship and to be different from how I was when we were together the first time. However, I don’t feel he does the same or tries to, it may be he does in his own way, but I feel I am trying way harder to have things be different from my end than he is on his end, which makes it hard for me to work on my things. And, I don’t know how to make him see it, as I have tried and it’s getting frustrating for me.



  16. Elizabeth on January 23, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    I met a guy at work and we have been seeing each other for 9 months. Everything was great in the beginning. He was very warm and affectionate. He called on a regular basis and we took trips together and he used to come over for dinner at my house. He even met my kids. In the beginning he said he didn’t want anything serious, but acted more like a boyfriend then friends with benefits. I told him that I had developed feelings for him and he seemed to be warming up to the idea of more with me. Then after five months he started acting detached and distant. He made some comment about me going to some restaurant with another guy. I told him that I was not seeing any other guys. Then he made some hurtful comment about someone wearing him out and who says he was talking about me. He said this on a trip we took together. I was hurt and we didn’t talk for the rest of the trip. A couple of weeks went by and we didn’t speak. Then he called me up and said he wanted to see me and he wanted to be close to me and so we were together intimately. The next day, he took me to lunch but was acting distant. We had another argument about his distance and then a month went by without him talking to me. After that month he called again and I just told him that I had feelings for him and wanted a real relationship with him. He said he didn’t feel like he was prepared for that and said that he didn’t want that. That night he mentioned us going out to lunch the next day, but then never called me. He made some excuse and said we could do it a different day. Oh forgot to mention, he has been separated from his wife for a long time and they have different residences. He claimed to me that things were over between them. Anyhow, after he stood me up for lunch a couple of weeks went by and I didn’t hear from him. Then some mutual friends of ours told him how he was at work bragging about how he was moving to South America with his wife and it had something to do with money from an oil inheritance. She does have money so this is true. Him going to South American was not true though. He never did go to South America. Anyhow, I was very hurt by hearing this and him telling other people this. He made up a story to put up a front at work, but it still hurt. I wrote him a message telling him what I heard and he blocked me from facebook and didn’t speak to me for 4 months. Then all of a sudden I get a message from him and he wants to see me and talk to me. I resisted the urge the first time to be intimate with him, but ended up being the second time. Then he didn’t talk to me after that. Then the same people told me that he said I was a nut job and was chasing after him and he never slept with me and planned to go back with his wife. Well his wife is not going to take him back so he told another story again. Anyhow, this time I wrote a message to him that told him that I know about what he said to these people. I told him that he hurt me more than he will every know. I told him that I sarcastically told him that I won’t chase after him anymore because I wouldn’t want to be thought of as a nut job, but then again maybe I am a nut job because I fell in love with him. I told him that I loved and cared about him and can’t believe he said these things about me to people because I never said anything bad about him to anyone. I told him that I wanted a REAL relationship with him. I also told him that if he is less married and wants a REAL relationship with me and can provide proper intentions and respect he knows where to find me, if not please don’t call me. I told him I would want a relationship where I didn’t have to share him with some other woman anyhow. I also added that I was nice to him and could believe he could do this to me. Anyhow, I know he will call again because this is a pattern. I believe he thinks that I will take him back no matter what he does. This time, however, I will not speak to him until he offers me proper intentions, respect, an apology, explanation, and something real. If he calls me at night, I definitely won’t pick up the phone. Any ideas or thoughts. I made many mistakes here but am trying to correct them. I have very strong feelings for him even though he has seriously taken me for granted and not treated me right.



  17. Bem on November 11, 2015 at 3:26 am

    I met a guy online when i visited my relatives in australia. We started talking but not romantically until he confessed that he fell inlove with his lesbian bestfriend(has a girlfriend but they are still constantly talking, my bf told me that he just can’t cut off any person in his life, they also met in the net 5 years ago, the bestfriend knows that my bf was inlove with her but she didn’t give him the chance. He was trying too hard to get over it. I was there and i became his confidant. After 2 weeks if talking he decided to go to my house as a meet-up with all my family there and he brought with him a packed food prepared earlier on the day. We’vebhad several dates but it never was sexual. We would watch movies and go to museums and walk by the seashore holding hands by the beach. He would visit twice a week in my sister’s house(when he is visiting my relatives are required to be around). He would go to our house after work even if he was tired and would drive for an hour to get to my place. He knew that i was only on a tourist visa and he told me before that if there was any chance he wouldn’t go for a ldr. But after 3 mos i had to leave and he knows about my worries that he might not be able to carry on with a ldr but he committed. We’ve been talking about future kids and all when after a month he started to be distant. Our fights started to stem in his being unsure of the future. He stopped talking about everything. He started to say he just wanted to live in the present. I guess i was to pressuring that he ended up breaking up with me. I begged and realized it was too much. I stopped communicating for 3 days then he messaged me with a long text saying that he was so stupid and he was sorry for doing it, he said he was wrong to say that he can’t see me in the future because he thinks we will have a good future together and he also mentioned that when i get back he would let me meet his family and friends. He said it was time for him to beg for forgiveness and so i did forgive him and we got back together. After a month we’ve been thru alot pf fights again because he can’t answer me if im asking if he can see a future with me. And he cancelled his trip supposedly and was giving me reasons that he has negative leave days and he was not able to save enough when i know that he is morthan able to come back and forth,he did it for the lesbian but he cannot do it for me. Now he started to be distant again and he was saying that he doesnt want to be unfair to me, he cant give me time that i deserve becaise he is busy with work and his dog and he wants me to be with someone who can be certain with me. For now he doesn’t know what he wants but he still greets me in the morning and calls me baby and tells me he loves me even at night but he would really talk short in between. I am so confused



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