Compatibility is not what we think it is.
If I’ve learned anything after 15 years of coaching and 11 years of marriage, that’s one of the big ones.
Most people think compatibility is having things in common:
“I’m Catholic. He’s Catholic. We must be a great cultural fit based on our backgrounds.”
“I have a Masters Degree. He should have one, too. Only men with advanced degrees can understand me and men without it will be intimidated.”
“I like skiing. He should like skiing. What, am I supposed to go the rest of my life without a husband who likes skiing?”
On the surface, this sounds like compatibility. In practice, it is nothing of the sort.
Imagine the opposite sex version of yourself (admit it: that’s what you’re attracted to).
Have you dated someone like this before? What happened to the relationship?
You broke up, of course.
You broke up over money. You broke up over honesty. You broke up over sexual incompatibility. You broke up over selfishness and poor communication.
Compatibility isn’t about what you have in common; it’s whether you work well together as a couple.
The fact that you were both Catholics with Masters Degrees who like skiing didn’t give you a happy marriage. Compatibility isn’t about what you have in common; it’s whether you work well together as a couple. Full stop.
For years, people have been trying to find a short-cut to compatibility. OkCupid thinks that your feelings about horror films are telling (they’re not). eHarmony has a 436 question personality test to gauge compatibility (which, unfortunately, leaves out chemistry).
And, of course, there are personality tests like Myers-Briggs. It’s pretty limited – more of a footnote to explain how people think and act – as opposed to an actual test of relationship compatibility.
My test for relationship compatibility inside Love U is far simpler: how do you feel in your relationship on a day to day basis, year after year?
If it’s good, don’t worry about whether you’re an INTJ or whether he makes as much money as you.
Your feelings about your relationship reveal your actual compatibility.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men. He has over 24 million blog readers, over 150,000 newsletter subscribers, and thousands of satisfied clients who find his take on relationships to be enlightening, entertaining and empowering. He created “Believe In Love” program to help you find that special person and avoid the old patterns and traps that hold you back. It wasn’t until Katz took his own wisdom that he met his future wife – and became a much better dating coach in the process. By opening up to a new kind of partner, Katz proved that to get different results in love, you have to make different choices. “I had to make fifteen years of dating mistakes before I finally figured out how to have a happy relationship. I believe firmly that the road to success is paved with failure, and since I’d failed so prolifically and ultimately found my own way, I feel uniquely qualified to help others have success in love.”